I haven't been able to
write anything lately. My
mind has
fallen into some
horrible shutdown. The things I used to
enjoy are
starting to
annoy me. The
books I used to read are
losing their
seduction. I'm
wallowing in a pit of
self loathing and self
pity that I really want to
stop. Somethings changing in me but I don't like where it's going. I
feel almost like I'm
dying spiritually. I feel like my
soul is shutting
down and soon I'm just going to be some
mindless creep with no
real substance. I've been cooped up in my
house for quite some
time because of a
broken automobile. I get
out every once in a while and that's way too
little. My mind won't stay
focused and my
thoughts come in
brilliant flashes that fade to
memories that turn into
disorganized junk. My head feels
swollen but I haven't even
ventured anything new or
exciting in my
journal. I haven't even
written in my journal in
months.
Is this depression? Has someone out there had these exact experiences also? I'm screaming for help and hoping for some kind of release from this. I want someone to say, "I went through the exact same thing. It passes, trust me." I want something new to come. I want something to snap me out of this. I feel so very stagnate. Please say this goes away. Please say this is a phase. Please say there's something worth it on the other side. Please say this will help me to learn. I would hate to think that this is where it stops. I don't want this to be an impassable wall. I want something to open me up. I want something to lay me bare and turn me inside out. Someone must know this. Someone has to have been here. I can't be alone, can I? I don't want to be alone. I feel so weak for saying these things. I feel so helpless for not being able to control this. I can see no better place than here to express this. Here, amongst a collection of strangers. Here where no one will be afraid to tell me exactly what they think. This place has no concern for me and will provide me with impartial responses to, what may be, a very mundane problem. In any case it would be refreshing to know I'm not alone.