The United States should go to war with Iraq? That's pinko liberal bullshit! We should just take over the world and get it over with.

Why? Let's think about it for a second...

1. The war on terrorism is really just a continuation of the war on everyone.

Think about it. Now that we've gone to war with Afghanistan, we've gone to war with just about every country on the planet, except for Switzerland, Sweden, and Tibet (which is probably not a country at all). So what are we doing now? Doubling back and attacking Iraq? It makes no sense!

For the last 250 years, we've been supporting volatility, internal conflict, and starving kids with beady eyes across the globe. The United States is a peace-loving country, and shouldn't stand for any of this. We need to take over these countries NOW, and load 'em up on grunge, Lucky Charms, and Abercrombie and Fitch until the only places they'll fight are courtrooms and Jerry Springer.

Think about how much trouble this will save! No more trade disputes over Japanese cars. No more Islamic fundamentalism. No more France! I'm sure you can see the merits of this action already, but let's continue, shall we?

2. The war on everyone directly supports the war on terrorism.

This should be a no-brainer. If there aren't any other countries left, then there won't be any place for terrorists to hide. Drop some Agent Orange on, say, all of Asia, and you can find 'em all. Fuck the godless Chinese, anyway.

3. Everyone supports terrorism.

Saddam Hussein supports terrorism. Europe supports Saddam Hussein. Asia supports Europe. African groups fund the movements, Switzerland and the Cayman Islands keep their bank accounts, and Canada lets the little rag-headed fuckers slip into our land of plenty. There's also the Japanese Red Army, Colombia, and KAOS lurking out there. Nuke 'em all, and there's nobody left to support terrorism!

4. Invading everyone is the smartest move we can make to combat terrorism.

Forget Afghanistan. Forget Iraq. Once we invade everyone, where are the terrorists going to hide? The Breadbox of Solitude? Gimme a break.

5. Invading everyone might improve stability in the region.

Let's just take over North and South Korea, cut up the DMZ, give 'em all DVD players and let 'em rot together. Let's take over India and Pakistan, bring their nukes back to North Dakota where they belong, and set them up with NFL teams so that their rivalry can be properly redirected. Let's take over Israel... well, okay, I don't know how you deal with that. But you get the point.

6. Is it the oil that concerns people?

Well, it shouldn't. Once we own all the oil in the world, we can give it to Texaco and Exxon, and they'll sell it for perfectly reasonable prices because corporations are good.

7. Is it the rhetoric that concerns people?

This is the beautiful part. There hasn't been any rhetoric yet! Nobody will see this shit coming. Some poor godless commie in Moscow is going to wake up one morning and see a fucking tank division marching up to Red Square, with speakers blasting "You're in America now! Speak English!" Man, their faces will be a beautiful sight.

We'll have to come up with a new name, of course. We could be the United States of Earth, or the Greater North America Co-Prosperity Sphere.

8. Is it the certain death of everyone's civilians that concerns people?

Who the fuck cares?

9. Why now?

Because we've still got hegemony going on. If we're powerful enough to take over Iraq in, like, 90 minutes, from the other side of the planet, with minimal effort, we should be able to take over the world in maybe, oh, a couple of hours or so.

Then the New World Order kicks in, and we all live happily ever after. Go George W. Bush... make your daddy proud! I'll be watching on Fox News.


Some of you seem to be downvoting this node. Well, I expect that, coming from a bunch of bleeding heart leftists like yourselves, but what, exactly, do you take issue with?

Let's look at some facts here, okay? We lost the World Trade Center, a good part of the Pentagon, and an even better part of the National Hockey League to other countries. That's not supposed to happen! The only people who are supposed to be doing shit like that are the CIA and the A-Team, all right? It would be disrespecting the memory of however many million people died on September 11, 2001 if we didn't haul out some guns and pay back the favor QED.

While we're at it, we can use Richard Gere, Terry McAuliffe, and the entire cast of CNN for target practice.

I am dead fucking serious, you tree-hugging pillow-biting owl-kissing sons-of-bitches. All your base are belong to us. Eat THOSE freedom fries, Jack Shirak.

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