A cunning plan to reduce pedestrian stupidity and arrogance on the bike path

The path upon which I ride to work is somewhat ironically named a 'bike path'. It was constructed so that cyclists might avoid becoming road jam and random bone fragments beneath the wheels of Volvos while spinning their way to the CBD, which in the past was done along an extremely congested, narrow esplanade. The irony is generated by the rule that dictates pedestrian right of way on said 'bike path'.

In a world of love, harmony and premeditated acts of consideration, the 'bike path' would be a happy, carefree place of morning cheer, power-walkers looking like optimus prime on meth, manically smiling cyclists buzzing from their first five coffees of the day, and optimistically overweight joggers.

Instead, it is a hellish warzone of post-apocalyptic road warrior cross-dressing and buddhist cannibalism proportions. Pedestrians literally (or is that litter-ally) clog the path like low density lipo-proteins in bacon fueled arteries. Does this anger me? Yes, very much so. I have many times been forced to avoid an accident with a pedestrian, and I have yet to force one of them to avoid an accident with me. There's even a section with a dividing line and a picture of a bicycle on one side and a walking person on the other? Which side do you think they gravitate towards (rhetorical question)?

"Yay! Thank you pedestrian trio walking three abreast waving your arms in a randomly insane manner guaranteed to hit me in the face as I ride past....thanks to you three coming the other way too....I'll just stop shall I and wait for your big wanky-walk-talk festival parade to pass by; by the sacred shin-bone of Saint Cockpopsicle of bike-pump, I'll even clap too. Yay! Yes, that bicycle picture on the ground under your feet is actually just a city redecoration initiative...it's by a world renowned artist!"

Now before the accusations of empathic lack fly thick and fast like shit at the zoo, I too use the 'bike path' as a pedestrian, sometimes in company. I find it no great task to ensure that I don't fling cyclists into the brackish river water with my spastic gesticulations. I am able to circumvent the obviously great desire experienced universally to walk in the middle of the path, or form a mile wide 'hands across the bike path for peace' chain of sweaty palmed glee. Hence, my cyclist incomprehension when faced with pedestrians. I want to grab their blank bulbous faces and scream at them:

"You sure you don't want MORE FUCKING ROOM YOU HIDEOUS BLOATED SEVERED DOG KNOBS HANGING FROM THE SHIT BESMEARED FOREHEAD OF THE MORE CRETINOUS SIBLING OF THE AVATAR OF FREAKIN' IGNORANCE INCARNATE!!!"

....but I have yet to do so, due to my non-confrontational nature. Instead, I will be arraying my bike with all manner of pointed, sharpened, and poisonous weaponry, just like in Ben Hur. Upon being confronted with a pedestrian performing an act of Nobel Peace Prize level stupidity, I will proceed to collide with them repeatedly until they expire with much gurgling. I will then hang their leaking corpse from a light pole, after mounting a sign upon their chest prominently displaying the warning:

I DIED THAT OTHERS MAY LEARN; WALK CONSIDERATELY*

Naturally, I'll never use the 'bike path' again...people will be looking for me. Such is the life of a revolutionary martyr for world harmony, peace, and fairness.

* either that or 'eat used syringes and die you stupid pedestrian cocks'. Depends on my mood really.

Incidentally, in China where I live, the bicycle is the major mode of transportation, about 98% of the Chinese population (1.1 billion people) uses a bike, so in every city except the hilly ones there is a bike lane for the cyclists. Unfortunately, it is usually narrower than the main road. Pedestrians walk on the bike lane at their own risk, for the cyclists (believe me, I rode a bike in China) are perfectly willing to run over any person foolish enough to venture onto the bike path. Little kid? We don't care, get out of the way. Joggers? You better run really fast, because we're going to run you off our bike path. Fun stuff. On the bike lane, we have the right of way, no matter what happens.

And forget those wussy "race bikes" that Americans are so fond of, you know, the ones that weigh 5 pounds and have no inertia whatsoever. Chinese bikes are 70 pound behemoths made from old water pipes and a chain. They're so heavy you can knock people right over with them. If you get enough speed, you could probably kill someone. A grumpy farmer on one of these suckers is much more intimidating than say, a spandex clad Yank with a bike lighter than a feather and a pith helmet.

Even cars dare not venture onto the bike lane. If one does, we would slow our bikes down to a crawl, so the car behind us would honk its horn in a futile attempt to tell us to get out of the way, and then we would stop entirely and have a leisurely chit chat. The driver would get so pissed off he would try to reverse to get off the bike lane, but.... no, there are more cyclists coming up behind him, and he is stuck. Woe to the automobile user who tries to use the bike lane to beat rush hour traffic.

Or maybe you should just take a bus. Harmony joy bus rides are much more amusing than feuding with idiotic pedestrians and mindless drivers, don't you think?

The problem is that bikes are not welcomed on roads by most drivers, at least in the United States. If drivers viewed bicycles as vehicles, there would not be a need to construct bike lanes and bike paths. It has been shown to be safer to ride in the motor vehicle lane rather than in the bike lane or shoulder for two main reasons: (a) debris is more common on the side of the road and (b) drivers are more likely to see you if you are in front of them. Before you ask what happens on a two-lane road with no opportunities for passing, it is my understanding that bikes are required to move to the side to let cars pass when practicable (safe). Many states also have a law that a slow vehicle must pull over if possible to let vehicles behind pass if a certain number (five?) are backed up behind it. This is mainly aimed at farm equipment but would also apply to bikes.

Of course the sidewalk is right out because of pedestrians (it is usually illegal to ride on the sidewalk for this reason).

If instead of striping bike lanes, the department of transportation would construct a wider right lane than normal, about the same width as a regular lane plus a bike lane, this would allow bikes to ride in the normal lane and move over to let slow traffic pass if neccesary. On a multilane road, bikes would usually not even have to move over.

Source: some recent discussions on the usenet bicycle newsgroups (crossposted to misc.transport.road)