And there was great rejoicing. Yay.
Not bad, I think, after a tenure of six months. Hell, I know there are plenty of you guys out there who have blown right past me, but putting together 250 writeups of reasonable quality and with moderately defensible factual content in less than a year seems like pretty good work to me. For those of you interested, my ascendant node was one for the Sesame Street song AB-C-DEF-GHI. And for those of you interested in punishing me for such blatant nodevertising, it's spelled R-O-O-K.
(Actually, I feel a little left out, since I have yet to acquire an XP stalker. Everyone who's anyone seems to have one these days. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.)
^ITo the individual who gave me 20 downvotes: Thanks for making me feel like one of the gang. Hope you had a good time. PS: I was just KIDDING.
And it sure has been an interesting six months. I've had a pretty good time here, writing and ranting and drinking wine. It has proved, in many ways, to be much more challenging than I had anticipated. I've been writing for years (both as a career and as a means to vent), and the idea that I could get feedback from a broad group of individuals (as opposed to the 2-3 people that regularly visited my website) was intriguing. And, hey, I've done OK. At least I haven't been, to date, shown the door.
But I've been entirely unable to get a grip on what the nodegel wants deposited in it. Things I write that I think are good head down into the -2 rep range, while pieces I've just thrown together off the cuff find their way up to the 20s. And when I try to engineer a writeup in such a way as to get a large number of votes, this is invariably the result:
Begin possibly delicate segment:
Topic
(thing) by Rook
Rep: 3
Some facts on a topic, arranged as best as I could contrive given my available time, flavored with a bit of personal reflection.
(thing) by SomeOtherNoder
Rep: 45 C!
Pretty much the same thing, but incorporating the word "lesbian."
End possibly delicate segment
But don't get me wrong--I'm not complaining. I think that, when you get this many people together, people with different ideas and different perspectives, you get a beast that is hard to quantify. As individuals, we run the gamut from perverts to prudes, but E2 is both somewhere and nowhere between. It's an interesting sociological experience, if nothing else.
He said, "I don't know man, she's kinda funny, you know?" I said, "I know. Ev'rybody funny. Now you funny, too."
And so far, for me, it's been more or less just that--ranting and wondering about how those rants are received. Oh, I like to think I've made some contribution to the E2 universe, but the thing is, I haven't really had the time to make the move from E2 contributor to respected E2 citizen (I do have a toddler running about, mind you). It bothers me. I hate being an anonymous noder. Well, screw that. Time to pay the membership fee and get in the door.
Yes, I would like to buy a fish license, please.
As a Catholic, I know that penance is the best way to clean the slate. I therefore offer the following:
O, E2, I am heartily sorry for having neglected you, and I detest all my skulking because of EDB's just punishments. But most of all, because it offends you, dear users, who are (in the main) good and deserving of more of my attention. I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to hide no more and avoid the near occasions of hiding.
(Well, if my casual flirtation with Gnosticism doesn't do the trick, that should probably push me over the edge into excommunication. Hope there are no priests or bishops out there....)
I also pledge myself to the following resolutions:
Circles, leading me back to you...
Well, I guess this is supposed to be a daylog, so maybe I'd better begin my new noder's life by focusing on that. Well, let me see...woke up, re-diapered my daughter, watched some cartoons, ate some food, changed some more diapers...well, you get the picture. I promise that any future daylogs will stick far more closely to the advertised theme.
I once told a friend, "Age is not an accurate indication of maturity. It does not hold true that a person gets more mature as they get older; it's only a probability. Rather, maturity is attained in a process of degrees, each degree being measured in experience. Experience is earned through a lack of wisdom; wisdom comes from experience. Wisdom and maturity are not the same thing, though they are interdependent upon one another should a person want to embrace contentment, peace and true spiritual maturity." This is my personal philosophy and I'm sure it's not unique, but I have the distinction of having figured it out on my own and so far I have yet to see error with it.
epiphany: e·piph·a·ny (-pf-n) n., pl. e·piph·a·nies. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization.
I was sitting at a coffee shop tonight, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and reading a book. The coffee was one of my favorites, Hawaiian Hazelnut. My Marlboro Lights, in a box, were dwindling fast in the cool night breeze, weather that hadn't been seen in Nashville for quite some time and was very welcome to anyone with half a brain. I was reading "The Diamond Age" by Neal Stephenson, which is part sci-fi, part children's fairy tale, part speculative fiction, part future-history... definitely a book that was right up my alley. Friends floated about my table, coming and going as friends do, but they were respectful enough (this time) to leave me be and let me read, the earphones of my MP3 player blatantly exposed on my shaved head, making it clear that I was in another world entirely and happy to stay there until exhaustion struck or I ran out of smokes. It was almost bliss, for me, diminished only in the fact that there was a certain table companion whom I wish could have joined me. It's just as well, though. As into Mr. Stephenson's novel as I was, I might not have been very engaging company tonight- I ate that story up like it was candy.
At some point I glanced around me. The café was emptying of people and it was getting late. The establishment wasn't going to close, because it's open 24/7, but my eyelids suddenly became very, very heavy, as though some invisible force were purposely tugging them downward, inducing REM state. In those precious few moments when the world was quiet, conversations were at a low ebb and my mind was unfettered and massaged well-enough, the loose fabric of my consciousness began to coalesce into something new and different. One of those degrees of maturity, an experience, was in the process of being processed- wisdom was settling in and taking a firm hold on my psyche. It's no surprise, really, because I am, after all, only 27 years old. People continue to grow and mature even through their eighties and if they don't, then something's wrong.
During those immeasurable seconds of my mind's busy-work, a calm came over me. In a sense, it felt like I was stepping on my own grave and not too interested enough to really care or notice except in some dispassionate way, like, "Oh, man, should I even be doing this right now?" Having a moment of clarity should be an intensely private thing, like masturbation or winning the lottery, not something one does at the slightest opportunity, in front of everyone. I mean, let's be honest here, it's not like you can really share a moment of clarity with someone else, is it?
But that's what it was: clarity, like looking at a world that has become a crystal, blue lake of serenity and perception. I'm not entirely certain of what it was my mind was realizing, perhaps it was just the coffee, but whatever it was felt big, like destiny kinda stuff. I hope to drift to sleep soon and let my mind ruminate some more on this wonderfully mysterious epiphany so that I may ponder it tomorrow or, just maybe, share it with someone I love.
[ Dream Log ]
Last night... I spent a couple of hours downloading the 1.1.0.6 patch for Half-Life, and noticed one thing: The &#%@#* Counter-Strike patches for old versions ARE available out there, just that I had not been able to find them.
So, now I could patch my Beta7 to 1.1 by downloading, uh, 44 megabytes of stuff. NOW do you see why I don't play CS? I hope the future patches aren't as... cheerfully huge. =(
I sincerely hope the promised Pelit CD-ROM that comes this month has full Counter-Strike 1.1... or I have a painful download ahead.
::sigh:: Oh, I, too, wish that factual noding could get me anywhere. =(
Time to face the challenges of the day...
So Pelit came with CS 1.1. Now, whenever I connect to CS server, this happens:
See? Another reason why I don't play CS.
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: Dream Log: April 10, 2001 M-x doctor
Updated:
ia dahlia, on the dias; ua starling, ia dahlia. its a pleasure, your craft; a rising, rising above all surrounding
The Night Before The Morning After
Back from the hospital now, after the pre Caesarian section visit. Nothing much happened - they took some blood to make sure they have some of my type to spare (just in case), we met the anaesthetist and had a chat about spinal anaesthetic, and they listened to its heartbeat on the Doppler microphone. As usual, the baby's heartbeat came through loud and clear.
It was reassuring to see the ward, however briefly, and to be able to picture where I'll be for most of the next week. I've had a few nightmares about the hospital stay (just anxiety dreams), and seeing the place makes me feel better.
After the hospital, we strolled around the Meadows for a bit, then went to our favourite Indian restaurant, Kalpna, for a last dinner out. Now we're at home, with the phone switched off (both mothers have already rung), watching the DVD of Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?. I'm half nervous, half in desperate denial that my life changes tomorrow. Forever.
So tomorrow we turn up at Simpson Maternity Pavillion in the Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh at 8 AM. We're second in the queue, so we will probably be in theatre by 10:30ish. Families are probably getting calls at noon, in a brief mobile phone break by the no doubt proud and overwhelmed father.
I have no idea how either of us will sleep tonight.
What is evilrooster on about? See previous episodes of this drama in earlier daylogs:
Sun on the Daisies
The pale blooms rise, Sprout from the meadow; Sails of tall ships, Casting their shadow. This spring morning, Beneath warm sunshine, Its soft breezes Caress like white wine.
And her face, Clinging to winter's paleness, Yet awash in summer's naescent glory. Lines and curves Whispering of newly-minted dreams. No obstacles; just lost in the story.
In dancing flight, Spring birds paint the sky. Amid tall grass; Waltzing butterflies. The clouds stopped, Forgotten, lazy. The day simply Sun on the daisies.
Moving day!
The firm finally got to move to the new offices. I tell you, an another week in the hell hole I was previously stationed, and you'd be having the first AK47-to-IT-workplace incident in Finland. :) It's amazing what kind of difference moving to the other end of the building could make. Instead of the small, dark, windowless space with people passing through all the time inhaling the little precious oxygen we had, we now have a real office with air conditioning and probably one of the nicest views you can get in a HML downtown office building. And instead of the old sardines in a can -style, all the employees actually have a decent amount of space for themselves. I won't say the new facilities are the best this town has to offer, but I definitely won't complain either. What I would like to complain about is the fact that I have to get up at 7:30 Thursday morning, in order to attend a not-very-interesting meeting held in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, at least the long Easter weekend starts soon after.
The other thing that has got me in such a fine mood today (again) is a good friend spending the evening with me. Although I am denied any sort of romantic relations by society's and its standards, it is sure nice to have friends to spend time with inside and outside the net. I guess I'm not the right person to bitterly complain about being lonely after all.
I was up late the other night listening to some friends talk about politics, and it finally hit me what the term armchair means when applied to politics, as in armchair liberal, armchair activist, etc.
My friends are perfect representations of why everyone gets pissed at members of the white middle class who think they're political. They've never been involved in any political campaigns, done any kind of activism or organizing, and at least one of them has apparently never talked to anyone outside his socioeconomic background where race, class, or gender differences became an issue. In short, they've lead politically sheltered lives, voting every year as their main political action.
In the course of the discussion, one of them demonstrated political naivete the likes of which I haven't seen since high school. The other has a philosophy that is better thought out, but that I as an activist have some issues with that transcend the objections my own political philosophy raises.
The point of this that politics is better learned through activism, whether it's in the streets or as part of a campaign, and that while I respect anyone with a knowledge of history, political science, or sociology, all this armchair discussion without action either to back it up or to base it on is just so much wind over open prairie.
I had so much on my mind already, and now even more so after therapy on Monday, my head is spinning. My therapist, when I blurted out my new-found bisexuality to her, just reassured me that it was not a big deal, not to worry about it. Whether she thought this was a passing phase or not a big deal for any woman, I don't know - we had run out of time. And I don't really care. It explains so many things in my life that I have just made up excuses for. Now I don't need an excuse, because the truth will suffice.
I don't like the way it feels inside my head anymore. Some typical emotions that are there whenever I'm not distracted are: sadness, despair, loneliness beyond any loneliness I've ever felt before (after all, there's no one left but me, now, is there? Is there?), futility, and a feeling of being trapped in a pointless, meaningless life.
Do I want a girlfriend? No, I don't think so. Do I want to sleep with a girl? Yes, I definitely do. In fact, I found out about a couple of bars in my home town that I am going to check out this weekend. Well, at least one bar. Or maybe I'll go tonight after belly dancing class. I'll probably be too timid to do anything but sit there and have a drink. But I'm going to go anyway.
Written in 1:30 PM Distributed Systems. Original formatting preserved, save conversion from uppercase to lowercase and side-by-side flipped columns. Aligned with bottom-left corner, text block basically fills most of the bottom 3/4 of the page. I took only a few actual notes on today's notepage, about Treadmarks and Basic Modes of Communication.
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{snip} wow, if i actually get into noding-as-study it could be really good for my gpa and my level maybe not my xp if people start getting sick of me like that ayb node i was so proud of but was almost instantly killed the bastards could at least node a warning into ayb that any new nodes in ayb will be killed sight-unseen, or at least with extreem predjudice. especially since i still lost the xp. its funny how im sucking my friends into e2 so far edibleplastic and azure lunatic are victims of my evangelism course with the vicious anal raping we've all been getting from lag (is it still hot in here, donfreenut?) i dont know if they'll stray from the fold... and id have corrected that vas deferens comment — lag couldnt enter through the vas deferens without burrowing thru skin — or just using the urethra in the first place which is more gender- {rotate page 180°} neutral anyway. {snip} {rotate page 180°} {snip} again ... i dont think ive ever had a prof more sleep deprived than myself. he just sat down in one of the class member chairs the ones for students with the desks they must have a name oh well another kind of pointless class attendance he sat down again i really dont think thats normal behavior for him {snip} latex shiny smooth tight and sexy slutty is that an inherently bad thing? some girls enjoy that sort of thing from time to time and i know guys do when they do fetishes are such an interesting topic and we humans especially males are so {rotate page 180°} easy to program just association is enough. this train of thought has very little to do with distributed systems. {snip} mind wants to get out tense frustration why it must be the handwriting mind not connected properly molasses between mind parts neurons train of thoughts not lasting long enough to complete sentences and dammit i took my medication there was a time when it worked properly ... do i mean the medication or my mind? does it matter anyway its all fscked up and going to hell in a handcart like in indiana jones and the temple of doom. christ ive filled my note page with crap!
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