April 15, 2002

I found out a friend of mine is dying last night.

I always suspected she was sick, or had bad issues with eating and body image, but I never knew it was this bad. I guess the other morning she called these other two friends of mine because she couldn't get out of bed. So they got her a banana and some crackers, made her eat them, and then took her to the hospital emergency room. In the hospital, they IV'd her up with something and sent her home. Before they all left though, the two girls she had called went to talk to the doctor. The doctor told them that if she keeps doing what she is doing, she could be dead before the term is over, and at the very longest, before the year is over. The only thing keeping her alive is all the drugs she takes, and how once in a while, when she does eat, some of the food gets obsorbed before she throws it all back up. I guess she hasn't had anything in her stomach for more than an hour in the last four months.

I'm so scared. I just want to go to her and say something that would make it all better. But, there really isn't anything I could say. I don't want to watch her die. It seems that lately, there is nothing I can say.

Now, I am not saying I am a kid, or a parent... But my view into this subject shall be both.

That used to be a reoccurring thing that I would see every day. Now, we all know kids are curious and frankly stupid at time... But they do-do some things that are cute and as well as fun.

*Burp* Girl/Mom: "Ohhhhh, how cuteeee!." Boy/Dad: *Rolls eyes*

Or when the baby finally learns how to walk, or say a first word. The grandma's and other family members, usually the feminine ones, but every time they treasure the moment. Oh and don't forget when they also get it on tape and act like it's the biggest thing that will ever happen in the child's life. Even though, they will never even remember it.

Children come into life, and learn things even in their first minutes of life. While some things come natural such as breathing and well frankly releasing garbage... Other things come from watching and learning. The parents and older siblings "usually" teach the young child how to do anything. In some cases, the sad ones, the child learns from the Television.

Many writers have written books on how to "Baby Your Baby," "Teach Your Baby," or even "Toddler's First Steps." Reading books on children and having them are no near the same two things. Experience at first hand is the only way to understand such a thing.

Eventually the child will grow up into an adult after passing through school and finally rests down to be married. Then they have their own kids and the parent now becomes a grandparent, it is only then that the child even learns what they put their parents through. It betters the relationship even further than it had been before. None the less, having children can be a fun experience. Just beware of the diapers.

Sincerely, Speaker

Bah.

That basically sums me up. It was a pretty good day, then I fucked up. And the depression sets in... the only thing to let me even realize it is the fact that my winamp playlist is full of Sarah McLachlan. Add some more random whine whine whines here and that'll be good enough.

Yet for as shitty as I feel, I can't help but take comfort in the fact that this is the first depressive episode I've had since I started my Paxil. And this is just a bum feeling... not the I can't do anything but cry and cry and cry and I hate myself and I want to die feeling. I can look into the mirror and say I'm okay.

And that's enough to make me feel better.

Am I less of a man for breathing her name everytime I wake? I am definately left a shadow of a man for thinking of her as anything more than what she is. A hollow in my chest, that still beats the same red liquid as anyone else. That is all I have today. And then, of course, I have the negative sentiment that only someone as emotionally troubled as myself can posses.

I know I'll get better. I also believe that the way I am feeling now is consequential of my actions, however I do not recall asking for these thoughts, nor do I wish to retain them. The answer? You feel it in your bones, my dear. You feel it in your bones, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do except wait and see what will happen next.

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time"

I really do not have another minute to spend in this direction of thought, although I know that when I stop the exact same thoughts and feelings will come running right back

It is just petty emotion for fuck's sake.

I am halfway around the world, in paradise, and I have internet access. WFT!?

Bhutan is truly mystical. The valleys, the mountains, the temples, the people, the food. I have been here for two days and I feel so different - I feel more distant and more comfortable than I have ever been.

The architecture and art are amazing. I don't know what can be said at this point. I am in paradise.

I don't care about the things that have worried me up to this point. I really don't. Everything is wonderful, there is just so much beauty here. Why worry? I have everything.

So I return to the workforce today, this day, the fifteenth of April in the year two-thousand two. This, the twenty-third anniversary of my birth.

My new job is a technical support position, though it should be a bit of a breeze (if you don't count the 12a to 8a schedule), as I doubt many people will be calling during that time period.

Maybe I can convince the people at work to get me a cake. And a new car. Or maybe I'll just wander aimlessly around the office today.

Last night, we were finishing a long drive from one end of the state to the other. My wife is driving. She thinks I hate conversations in the car with her, and consequently dislikes driving long distances with me.

This is untrue. I do not dislike conversations with her, I just dislike talking about the same things every time.

I tried telling her about the book I was reading at the time. Nothing but a few nods. I tried talking about recent events in the Middle East that were in the weekend newspaper. Less nods.

I knew what kind of conversations she did want to have, of course. Talk about her family. Talk about her friends. Talk about the kids she takes care of during her weekday job. In short, talk about her and the things she's interested in.

I may as well. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just feel like turnabout is fair play and I should be allowed to expect her to pursue interest in my topics once in a while, or failing that, fake interest long enough for me to appreciate the effort. Obviously that's not going to happen here. Readers, take note: when intellectual introverts marry non-intellectual introverts, they're setting themselves up for problems.

I know I'm not going to give up, I determined that for myself back at the beginning. But the proverbial long haul has arrived a bit sooner than I expected. I can't seem to talk to her about how to solve these problems between us, because she's never interested in solving anything. "Compromise" to her seems to mean that she gets upset, angry and/or silent and I eventually do whatever she wants me to do. She wants to have a conversation, but it has to be a conversation on her interests.

Doubtless she sees my own stubbornness in the same way, with the same frustration. But at least I'm occasionally able to look at things objectively and see my stubbornness for what it is. She just seems to see it as one more terrific injustice in a long string of injustices people inflict upon her.

I'm going to let her counselor work on that, though. I still lack the patience.

This morning, the coworker I car pool to work with was no more familiar with my book than my wife was, but at least he was able to listen and respond with a few recent books of his own. My wife dislikes reading in general, and indeed pretty much anything that seems to involve actual imagination.

I wish I could spend more time at work.

back -- forth

Today the odometer in my car read 180000.

But only for a mile or so...

Well its been awhile since I noded here. Real Life has just been so busy this last week. I haven't had time to do most of things that I wanted to do, simply because of more important things to do.

My brother got married this weekend, which means it was really crazy getting everything all set. First we had to decorate the church, then we had the rehersal and then the rehersal dinner, followed the next day by the wedding ceremony and the reception. So all in all it was a crazy week. I'm trying to get back to spending time here so I can finish a couple of projects that I have started here and then we will see what is next.

I'm feeling pretty good for a change.

Chicago had another beautiful day, reaching up to 90 degrees away from the lake. I got to wander around downtown for a bit, both before and after my job interview. This was interview #2 for me at this company, and I did well enough that I have a fucking job now. Five months of unemployment was really starting to get me down.

The kicker is that I even have a few weeks to relax and enjoy spring before I start. They told me to expect the offer letter late next week, and I'd likely be starting a week or two after that. So I have a few weeks to get back on a normal sleep schedule, buy some new work clothes, and generally bum around being a happy person instead of the depressed motherfucker that I've been for the last few months.

Also got my taxes out of the way, along with sending a CARE package off to my friend Jen, who moved to New Orleans a few weeks ago. Apparently she can't find Lawry's Salsa Mix anywhere in the city, so I've sent her a few packages, along with a Heathers DVD that my DVD player wasn't able to play.

I don't get to be a non-depressed person very often. I really appreciate it when Fate sends such an opportunity along my way.