Anyways, here I am at work. Little else to do other than surf and node. I phoned the employment agency and told my agent to hurry up and do her job - get me a new job. I have been bored for the most part of this year, and finally I have had enough and want to move on to a job where I actually have to work to earn my pay cheque at the end of the fortnight. She said that Monday should bring news. She is putting me towards a job that doesn't quite pay enough. You see I have this final goal left in life that I must achieve. It goes something like this:
Some may consider this a GTKY node (hence it is in a Day Log), so read no further...
Since I was twelve, I have had various goals set in life for myself. I always knew I would get into computing, so at the age of 14 I was taking typing classes at school whilst my other mates took woodwork and metalwork. I knew I would be into management, so took extra classes in Accounting and people management skills outside of school. I went to University and Polytech to earn enough qualification to score my first IT job. I have now, after 8 years of working, reached all but one of my goals. My final goal is to be earning $100K before I am 30. I have a couple of months to go, and a few grand extra required in my pay.
What do I do when I reach those goals? I have no idea. Will I feel a sense of achievement with my life? More likely I will then be lost. I have been striving for the last few years, as I ticked off achievements on my list and saw I was easily meeting them, to come up with new goals. I draw a blank when I try. I have no idea where to, or how from here. I try to look on the bright side and call it "green fields" or "into the unknown", but truthfully I realise it is a huge sense of lack of direction from here on in until I find that next set of goalposts.
I now trudge on, my career moving more sideways than up. I am fairly confident that I can reach that final goal no problems, but that is more of a concern than excitement at this stage.
Oh well, we forge on ahead, hoping that perhaps tomorrow might bring that unexpected pleasant twist of fate. That spark of unpredictability that makes us realise just what life is really about.
I am wearing my fat pants today. I love them, but they make me feel incredibly huge. Although I received a very nice compliment today concerning my bottom, I don't enjoy seeing myself in the mirror. And people shouldn't be looking at my bum anyways. I am a married woman. Well, not really. I'm just a self-conscious teenage female.
I was thinking about my mind set today after my nap. There are so many depressed people in the United States, and yet we are one of the most luxurious countries in the world. There is absolutely no reason, in theory, for anyone to be dissatisfied with his or her life. Unless over-indulgence contributes to misery, which I'm sure it can in some cases. But still. I have everything I need, and everything I could realistically want. There are minor things I am not satisfied with (read the previous paragraph), but they are extremely irrelevant when other world problems are taken into consideration. Would I rather force myself to be thin in a world of plenty, or have thinness forced upon my body in a world of nothingness?
Sometimes I wonder. Well, I wonder often. All of the time, actually. About lots of stuff, mostly selfishly directed towards my own pursuit of happiness in some direct or slightly more subtle manner. I got my report card today only to find I had a B+ in A.P. Stats. Not horrible, but not wonderful. Being average is worse than death. And yet I do not consider myself particularly overly intelligent. I know I'm smart, but there are millions of smart people. There are millions of dumb people as well. It's like when I used to be in middle school - I was head and shoulders taller than anyone else in my grade, or any grade schooled in the building for that matter. I hated it. Now I am only an inch or two above most people, and I hate that too.
My brother had some friends over today. They were all parked crookedly in the driveway, forcing me to leave my car in the road. Poor Saturn. I walked into the house, and simultaneously into a cloud of stench so strong I noticed it even with a slightly stuffed nose. Marijuana in my house. I don't think so. Adam and several friends were breaking up an ounce on the counter in the kitchen, filling the entire upstairs with the distinctive scent of weed. Wonderful.
I found out a friend of mine is dating a twenty seven year old. She's barely seventeen. It's a classic case; completely depressed, sad gothic chick known for her self-injuring and anorexic virtues strives to find belonging in a lonely man seeking young girls for some twisted reason. Been there, done that. Only time will heal the wounds she's inflicting on her wrists and her heart. I only wish I could talk some sense into her.
Good things: Semester over in about 3 weeks. No plans for summer = lots of possibilities. Going to Austin this friday to see Built to Spill. Doing well in classes. Listening to a lot of cool music. Been playing You Don't Know Jack.. c'est fun. I read The Little Prince, what an awesome book.
Bad things: Still sick (my throat, tonsils, and ears are infected.) Not doing my best in school. I am still too serious.. (no direction, no friends, etc.)
I had a (very) short lived relationship, it ended quickly because I decided that I would not be able to have a non-serious relationship without getting seriously hurt. I feel really stuck up. I don't know.. it just didn't feel right.. there was too much lust. As a 19 year old male, you think I would be all for consentual sexual experimentation, but no..
I have the urge to call up or IM my old ex, but I decide not to.. I really shouldn't be thinking about it, but, I wonder if she'll call me in the next couple of months. Well, time to do the one thing I can do, sleep..
---
The next day
My thought of the day: sex scares the hell out of me. Fact: A major issue (explicit or implicit) in all of my 2000 and 2001 relationships (well, I am a loser.. so this is all of 3) has been sex. I do not have an issue with pre-martial sex, however, I do have an issue with casual sex. If I have sex with anyone, I want to be 100% sure that we truely care about each other (or even better, love each other). I have been close to sex on more than one occasion, but I have always turned it down. Now that I look at it, I fear that I did not explain it to one of my ex's and that she mistook my sex anxiety as a rejection... : (
Why am I so scared of sex? Well, I think that I am scared of getting close to people, and it would follow that I would be scared of sex..
More random thoughts:: STILL thinking about calling her.
On behalf of the Office for Study Abroad, I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to participate in the University of Iowa's Fall '01 Semester in South India program...
"An unspeakable amount of pain, arrogance, harshness, estrangement, frigidity has entered into human feelings because we think we see opposites instead of transitions." --Nietzsche
I've been on a little E2 sabatical, and I realized, that I do still like this place. I've missed a lot of the random goofy conversations, yet somehow, I see that they still center around the same topic, Soy!
I've been working hard these last few weeks, I've been in the middle of a couple of projects. One of these projects, is that I am in charge of the ordering and configuring of a new server. I actually have been enjoying this task. The machine will be ordered this week, and I will be here this weekend, or next to set this puppy up.
My other project, lies in my UT server, it is down, and I am upgrading the hell out of it. The parts finally arrived last week. I was so excited when they came, I stopped cooking dinner, and immediately started working on the machine. 2 733mhz processors, 2 20GB ATA100 mirrored set drives, 3 30GB ATA100 RAID5 drives, and over a GB of RAM. All components running on 133mhz bus, and screaming right along. Until my Cable Routing MicroServer is up and running, the server is down, but I should be receiving that soon.
On top of this, I'm looking for a new job, this place has aged me, and I am now surly and bitter. I'm worth more than this place is paying, and I'm out. However, finding a job right now is a little difficult with unemployment so low.
Last night, I acted in a play for the first time in four years. Everyone said I was really good, too. (Ego boost--yay!) I haven't performed in front of anyone for two years (poetry, music, etc), and forgot how good it feels!
I hate the life of an English major. It really is the life of a hermit. You sit all day, reading, writing papers, stuck in some tiny room without sunlight... But being on a stage is unbelievable--orgasmic. I feel alive again!
What a very crappy day yesterday and today are turning out to be. No one seems to be giving each other a good break - everyone's only concerned about themselves. Politeness has totally been forgotten. Good manners are no longer practised.
And it seems as though what we're doing in the software industry is becoming superfluous in the world yet again. My mind often drifts to this conclusion whenever my existentialist mentality is the flavour of the week.
Hey! Happy Birthday
Very puzzling as my birthday is in February so he's either way too early or very late. I msg'd him back enquiring whether he'd sent it to the wrong person but no he hadn't it was my birthday, it took me a while but I got it.
Today isn't my actual birthday but my E2-day. It was a year yesterday since I first logged on.
So how do I celebrate, I mean I can't have a big party so I guess I'll have to be all spiritual about it and take it as a time of reflection about my time here
On come the rose tinted glasses
Remembering the good times, my first node and my first XP which a joyous feeling of satisfaction and relief that it wasn't voted down. My first message from Cool Man Eddie (which I've kept!)He spreads so much joy, what a wonderful job Getting to level 2, a fact I didn't even notice for an entire day. My first E2 Meet, Monkeys in Soho A-Go-Go which I'm glad I didn't run from!
And the bad times which I can visit every day for a laugh in Node Heaven. The first time I got downvoted was very upsetting but I got over it and re-read E2 HTML Tags. My mission drive on Everything is
To learn understand and hopefully teach
I know I'm fulfilling it. Roll on the next year!
They are waiting for at least 20,000 people to show up. I live in Montreal so it's not too far from Quebec city (3 hours). I spent the day preparing my equipment for the event : - A gas mask (those cheap paper masks for doctors) - Many water bottles, mixed with Maalox to counter the effects of pepper spray and gas. - A raincoat. They announce some rain for the week-end and the cops are gonna use water cannons anyway. - Peanut butter sandwiches. Need a lot of energy. - A cheap walk-man to listen to the radio during the event. - A book for the bus trip. I bring Philip K. Dick's Ubik. - A camera. - A marker to write phone numbers on my arm (in jail, you don't have your phonebook).
I'm really excited. I went to many events in my life but this one is gonna rock. I don't fear the cops or the terrorists (is there a difference anyway?) and I'm sure everything will be ok. Jello Biafra and Noam Chomsky are gonna be there too. Yaaay!
I'll write another daylog when I come back, that means monday if I'm not in jail.
See also Post Summit Declaration of Quebec City
answers sit like bills, waiting I learned Mr. Brownstone yesterday, I fuckin love that song....reminds me of my own troubles with cocaine. Ultimate tonight, followed by Waterloo and the AMC....gotta find time for Lindsy, she had a cute little smile if I ever saw one.
I didn't ask her out. But I have a good reason. Someone in her family died. I don't think it is right to ask someone out right after someone in their family has died.
On a happyer note, I got a note from the VP at TSS about doing so well on CCC. That is it for now.
I blew off belly dancing class last night. I just didn't see the point in it. I'm getting depressed, aren't I? My therapist warned me that this might (probably) happen soon, if not already. It's hard to find good reasons to do stuff. I blew off the drumming circle last weekend, something I've been dying to do for quite some time. My lovely and wonderful daughter gave me some stuff from her job that they were throwing out and I haven't even tried them out yet. Two new 2B signature sticks and a Zildjan crash cymbal! None of my cymbals are this good. And I can't get the energy up yet to put them to the test.
My drums keep calling to me every day when I walk in the door - and I just ignore them. I've given myself permission to draw whatever I want, and I haven't done that either. It's too much effort. Sex is pretty much unimportant too. Maybe I do need some anti-depressant drug. Why should I keep feeling this way? Kind of foolish, actually.
I think I'll make a call to my doctor about this. Stop putting it off, hoping it will go away. It's becoming obvious to me that it won't, and I'll just end up missing out on fun, meeting new people, trying new things, having great experiences, one more year.
I was on a roving camera for the second show, and managed a shot which I was very impressed with, but the director decided to cut before the good bit. We finished the show with a close up on the two presenters, then as they finished talking, I walked back towards the back of the studio, to give the impression that they were disappearing into the distance. And, er, I walked straight into some chairs, fell over, and got wedged between them and a table. Anina was impressed, I'm sure of it...
Er, afternoon?
I woke up late again? Want to know why?
My open-source projects aren't entirely well-coordinated.
The thing went something like this:
open()
getLine()
Today? Nothing remarkable is going on, but will, I hope...
Time to face the challenges of the day.
(Oh, yeah, want to know what's really annoying? Noting three topics of which no one has been noded about, writing them down to Palm todo list, and then realizing that was all just a dream... =( )
Yesterday I realized I needed to send my updated furvey today... so I spent some time today updating the thing.
Read Usenet for long time. Explored the Pain of Parsing CGI stuff in C with no libraries to help my cause. Dammit, even Rexx was easier than C what comes to this sort of stuff =)
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: Comparision of IRC and Web chats furvey Jupiter Lander Winners Don't Use Drugs
Updated: Do Not Meddle In The Furry Politics...
printable version chaos
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