This message is for Nicholas. Could you please call Mercy Medical Center. We have some questions to ask you about you and your donating. Our number is ###-####.
Update: They wanted to know if the problems I was having were cleared up or if they are chronic. WHEW!
It is 1,600 miles from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Asheville, North Carolina.
Home...
Someone here in New Mexico once asked me about what the mountains of North Carolina are like.
"It's a wonderful place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit there."
It was the most true answer that I could give. I've only been home once in three years. I remember gazing out the window of the Greyhound in childlike wonder at the beautiful green carpet of plants growing heroically from the patches of soil on the granite cliff faces. I remember the electric charge in the air, and the smell of an impeding thunderstorm. I remember the smell of moist, rich soil deep in the forests. I remember the sight of honeysuckle, the plant that will always be associated with my childhood in my mind.
I just hadn't been there in so long... And it hurt so much when I had to leave.
The mountains of North Carolina are my home. I grew up running through the valleys, climbing the rock faces, eating blackberries straight off the plant, and finally throwing my sweaty young body into a mountain creek before I went home to sleep to the sounds of summer thunderstorms pounding against the tin roof of our house. I grew up reading books deep in the woods, lying in the shade next to a bubbling waterfall. I grew up in a place where I could learn to enjoy my own company. Where you can trek through the mountains for days without encountering another human being. Where the nights aren't lit by harsh sodium streetlights, but by the soft glow of the moon, the stars, and the clouds of fireflies blinking their mysterious messages into the night. There is an energy that fills me there that I have never been able to find anywhere else.
Tonight, I leave here to go home. But I can't stay. Yet.
My future wife is going to finally meet my family. She is going to get to visit the places where I had lived and laughed as a child. She'll see the creeks I used to swim in, the cliffs and trees I would climb. She'll see the rolling, blue-tinted hills on the horizon that will always bring the warmth of home into my heart.
I'M GOING HOME!!!
And this time, I'm not going alone.
For now, I search the sidewalks and alleys for portals. I think about how I could rip a hole in the universe to see the others. I think about whether it would be like looking in a mirror or through a window or both at the same time. I wonder.
Ok, new news. We changed the date, don't know if I already mentioned that. But now it is going to be on July 16,2005.
Also, I recently spent a week in Forest View. They found out I am bi-polar. Not that suprising, a lot of the women on my mom's side are bi-polar.
I found the perfect wedding dress. It is white with pink flowers beaded on the top.
Well, I will try to keep you updated over spring break, but I make no promises.
The man who can fly; no-one tells him what to do. Only the flightless man is ruled.
But what of Icarus? Icarus did not expect to die. He expected to fly off and live out his life. He was laid low by the Sun, because Icarus himself was ruled, he was ruled by the Sun.
The Sun rules us all. The Sun rules those who claim to rule us. The Sun gave life to every living thing. It continues to sustain us. We owe it. Sun-worship is no longer fashionable amongst the Human tribe, but of all religions it makes the most sense; the Sun is a tangible thing, its godliness a matter of scientific fact. The Sun is not an abstract concept, or a philosophy. It exists, it made us. No-one requires faith in order to believe in the Sun. It is.
Look too long at the Sun and you go blind, your skin cracks, your wings melt. It strips you. No God invented of human mind can do those things. The Sun does not require the help of human agents. It can kill us by itself, if it so chooses. One day the Sun will burn and destroy the Earth.
Every morning the Sun rises in the east. It traverses the sky in full view of everyone and sets in the west. Neither the Christian God nor the primitive tribal Gods of other religions appear to us daily in the sky. They hide themselves away.
Perhaps this is why we no longer worship the Sun. We don't have to. The Sun doesn't care whether we worship it or not. It'll get us all in the end. There is no special hurry. Perhaps we invented God to give the Sun a human face, a face with a big white beard and a temper. The Sun does not have a face. Neither do oysters.
And what rules the Sun? Nothing rules the Sun. It rules itself. Arguably, time rules the Sun, but time is not a thing, it is a process. Human beings can only relate to things, not processes. It is not time that one fears as one grows old; it is the thing we are becoming, the failing body in which we are trapped.
Just gotta get out. Just gotta get right out of here.
I have written a poem. It goes "flower roses dewdrops, birdsong breezes clouds jelly trifle chocolate", in italics - because italics make text seem more poetic - and that's that. From now on this will be my mantra, the chant which will cure my imbalance and keep me.
So, like, I came from school today to find this one letter in my mailbox from New York University. I don't even know why I applied, I knew even if I got in I'd need at least $10,000 in scholarships and grants just to come remotely to being able to pay the bill. Anyway, I was sort of running late for the weekly M:TG tournament at my local card store, so I chucked the letter onto my table and left. With a 3.6 GPA and a 1420 SAT, I knew I had almost no chance of getting in, let alone getting any scholarships, but I was banking on my FBLA and APs. Came home later today, popped open the letter
Guess I can't go where Bud Fox went. Ugh...so like, what now? Buy a semi-auto and blast away the incoming freshman class during the Open House? Mailbomb the gosh darned admissions office? DoS nyu.edu? I'm not sure, but I probably will just get over it and get on with my life now. I mean, what if they, like, nuke NYC while a course at NYU is in session, a course I could have attended? Perhaps this is a divine sign of some strange sort, a foreshadowing.
I think the real explanation is that I should have done some fucking work during my four years in high school instead of spending it on pointless computer games. I spent 180 hours on EternalVisions MUD. That's over 7 DAYS of NON FRICKING STOP gaming! Counter-Strike? OMFG, that must account for AT LEAST a month, considering that I pulled all nighters every other night during the summer. Diablo 2? Also days! StarCraft? The whole freshman year! Where is all this now? My EternalVisions account is long-gone due to inactivity; the Counter-Strike servers I played on are no longer in existence; I gave Diablo 2 away to my friend; StarCraft was replaced by Warcraft III...
If I spent even 1/10, no, 1/20 of that time on homework, I'd be a fricking OVERACHIEVER! If I spent 1/5 of all that time reading, I'd have read HUNDREDS of books by now! Had I worked during that time at minimum wage, I'd have thousands! But now, it's gone...ALL GONE!
Fellow young E2 noders, don't make the same mistake I did! The fools learn from their mistakes, the wise learn from mistakes of others...
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