April 24, 1997

I haven't felt lonely for a long time. Not like this. Even with Aaron, if I really needed to I could turn to him. He may not have understood, not nearly, but at least it was someone. Soon, I won't even have him. I'll be alone, and I'll have to stay alone, and hopefully I won't break again. No, I won't break. I've been broken for years, maybe all my life. I won't break again.

At least I'll be happy in my loneliness. I won't have to betray myself anymore. But it'll take time and patience. I can't jump into it like I usually do, I'll just shatter again. Or shatter him. I can't destroy another person's heart. I've done it before, and I thought I liked it. But I'm not angry anymore. So all I have is patience. Simply wait.

It will be hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. It'll be hard breaking free of the chains I locked on myself. No more self-struggle, I know what I want. And finally, I'll be able to get it. But it will take at least a few years to be utterfly free. I've waited this long, two years isn't much. I'll be able to be honest to myself, at least. I haven't even done that in years.

Maybe the only support I'll receive is from John. He helps a lot, more than he may know. Once this is over, I can thank him. It's good to know that at least one person understands. I truely believe he does.

I'm no longer looking for my knight in shining armor in John. Well, maybe just a little. But I'd rather be his friend. I've never been much of a friend to him. He still intrigues me. Maybe that's why I don't pry. The mystery has always kept me around.

Well, I'll wait and see. I'm alive again.

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