So, last night (actually very early today), I talked to this girl I know.. we weren't friends.. i'm not sure if we are now.. but we have some
common ground, and a bit of
understanding about each other's world. It was a good talk, I think we both have gotten to a point where
we can drop out suspicions about one
another (of course, this doesn't include our natural "are you trying to fuck me over" aspects we have in general), and have a conversation about
something real. That to me is a good thing. Even with all the BS,
I always kind of respected her.. she seemed bright, and like me in some
aspects.. but that also made me even more suspicious.. because
I know how I am in some situations.. it made me even quicker to be critical,
and
paranoid, and to act on those feelings. I think this is something we can put behind us, leaving us to be more "sane" about whatever.. at least
for me. I don't know, whatever it was .. pointless in analyzing..
I walked away from it feeling ok. Which is something I really haven't done with
her.
I also talked to my
globe-trotting Joshie. I miss Josh. It sucks to go 2 years without seeing someone, especially when at one time you got to see
them every day. Even more so when the reason is physical distance. Josh is like this great person, with a rad outlook, unique.. with his intellect
and charm. I don't know if Josh realizes
how much he means to me. He has fallen out of friendships with some people we used to both be close
too.. but this doesn't affect the relationship we have. I really care about him, and
want to see him happy. As I do with most my friends, but the
happiness I want for Josh is different.
After this, realizing sleep was something that was to be without for at least now.. I intergrated some old stuff into my
livejournal.
I have to do laundry today, and later tonite I am going to a play, and dinner with some of my relatives visiting from
New York.
I am nervous about the new shrink. It is he is a psychoanalyst, who does
cognitive therepy. I know what I will do, It's what I do when I get a new shrink.. I go through this pattern of trying a shrink.. then quitting 3 weeks-3 months later. I have actually stayed with it for more than 6 months with only one therapist, and that was about 6 years ago. I will fuck with him, questioning his methods using his tools (
DSM-IV, documented research, his own perspective of the world). What happens then is either they freak because they don't like to be questioned, or he will play the game back. If he freaks, he is either insecure about his abilities, or is just an ass. If he doesn't, It shows he knows how to do he job.. at least partly.
I know why I'm trying again. This time it's not just the stuff in my head. I know I need to get rid, or put on pause or tune out the
eating disorder.
It was tolerable, just fucked up in my mind at first, but now it is affecting my emotional status. I realize that even with all that is being weighed out. Emotional strife, mental anguish, health problems later on, and basically choosing my not being a
fat girl over all of that is fucked up. The fact that
I was going 1-6 days with out eating, on a regular basis is abnormal and fucked.. but whatever.. physically, I am healthy (i've gone to the dr, had blood work done, etc).. that isn't enough to push me to seek help from others.. nevermind professional help. It is the fact that, it got better for 2 months, after a 13 month struggle.. then came back with a vengence. So bad, that it became the normal thing and I didn't realize that i'd go a few days without eating. I wasn't even trying. There is more I will write about the actual problem I have with eating. Not the name of it, but basically the problem and why later. Its too long to do now, emotionally I don't feel like it, and I am just now openly talking about it with details "publicly". My friends have known something was up with my eating habits, but minus 2 people.. no one really knew any facts. I'm just admitting the extent to myself.
More Later..