Teenage Angst is an uncomfortable state of mind. I think it is probably the best way to describe my current mental sphere, with the somewhat harrowing additions that I am no longer a teenager (thankfully, I stopped being a teenager about four years ago), and that - unlike most sufferers of this self-loathing, hormone-ridden, gutwrenchingly personality exploration-driven unneccesary drivel - I am thoroughly aware of the prognosis of this fear.

The past couple of months, I have been sidestepping fate relatively effortlessly, as s/he has been lobbing, hurling, and casually-yet-precisionfully chucking curveballs at me.

Life-changing experiences aplenty in the past few weeks. As the result of a building sensation of impending doom, I decided to move out from my one-year-long cohabiting with my girlfriend, only to discover that we work better as a couple now that we don't live together, than we ever did. Which, of course, is an excellent excuse for a lesson in self-evaluation, although this has thus far proven absolutely futile.

Graduating from University, starting your own business, observing my parents move from India via The Netherlands to their Port of Spain, Trinidad, my car breaking down again and discovering that my current landlord is considering to sell the house I live in, and is considering to put me out on the street less than 6 months after I moved in here - it all causes a certain level of stress. Or perhaps stress is the wrong word. The right word would be more like a perpetual sense of paranoia - something is waiting to pounce on me from around every corner, just because that is the sort of thing that is supposed to happen to me nowadays.

In a constant state of superficial fear - not enough to actually be worried, but just enough to wake up in a pool of sweat and a vague memory of a nightmare every night - with the added bonus of my business not yet running properly, so the iron claw of cashflow problems hovering a couple of inches outside my field of vision.

The problem, of course, is down to my own choices. I chose starting a business over taking gainful employment. I chose to drive a mini over something that would run and run. I chose to move away from my girlfriend. Some times I feel as if I am the richest person in the world, and when that happens, I know that all the choices I have made have been the right ones. Other times, I feel that the skies are about to collapse into my little universe, and taking me and all my problems with it.

Interestingly enough, when things are good, it seems as if they were never bad. When things are bad, it appears as if they will never improve. But they do. And they were. And it changes several times a day.

At least my life is not boring at the moment. Or at least I keep telling myself that this is an advantage.

Well... there goes that idea!

I was planning to go to to our nations capital this weekend to see a friend of mine perform in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was the Art Director and he was also a transylvanian chorus member. I was to attend the last showing of it this Saturday and then we were gonna have a good ol' time in the political center of our country. There was a lurking doom present in the planning stages. My car was starting to show me it didn't feel very well. It's been through alot, and I've gotten way more out of it than I ever though possible, so really these last couple years have all been just a bonus.

Anyway, as of late, I am the only one in my house that has a car. This means that my car is the way both my roommates (and myself) get a ride to and from work. My brother works 4 to midnight at the taxi company, and my other roommate works midnight to 8 am at the same place, so my roommate drives to work at midnight, and my brother drives it back home and everyone's happy... until today that is. My brother was having a bit of a struggle getting it into gear to leave work, but it finally popped into gear rather abruptly and reluctantly.

Problem solved, as long as you don't want to go past 30 mph, that is. After that, it got rather touchy. You can make it move, but not unless she has to! He made it home with a little scare. You know, the one you get when you push the gas pedal and it just doesn't go. I'm glad he made it home ok! I'm also glad that the tranny went out before I was a million miles away. I think I'll take the "this was a good thing" approach to this one.

Well Max, I hope you have a good show.
Sorry I'm gonna miss it.

Damn... I just filled up the gas tank, too !

45 pounds

In January of 2004, I decided that I was going to lose weight.  I made a resolution, and recorded it in my Treo on January 13, 2004.  The description I provided was this:

Lose weight with hacker's diet.

Starting weight: 231
Goal weight: 180

I have all kinds resolutions in my Palm, although, most of them don't have a definitive goal.  Essentially, things like "don't put things off until later" and "take responsibility".  I've always been a goal oriented, list-making kind of guy.  Although, what I've learned about myself is that I tend to make the list and then forget about the items on it.  Afterall, taking the time to accomplish the tasks on a list only takes away from time that could be devoted to making new lists.

It is August now, and I weigh 186 pounds.  It may not be in my best interest to lose any more weight, since I arbitrarily picked a number that a chart said was good for my height.  I'll chat with my doctor to see what she thinks, but I have always been a larger framed person and suspect that I am probably at a good weight.  I started by reading the entire contents of The Hacker's Diet online, downloading the Excel spreadsheets and picking an arbitrary caloric value that was 500 less than an estimate of what I would need to eat per day to maintain that weight.  (It ended up being closer to 1600 calories less than what I needed, according to my charts; it is easy to not notice how much you are really eating when you aren't paying attention.)

So, what was the trick?  Why was I able to succeed with this resolution but not with others?  This had not been my first attempt to lose weight.  What was different this time?

Although I have declared my diet officially a success, I knew before I lost my first pound that I would accomplish my goal.  The keys were:

1. A devotion to my weightloss
2. The knowledge I needed to create and follow a plan
3. The tools I needed to to measure my results.

Reading the Hacker's Diet gave me the knowledge I needed, and also provided the Excel sheets for tracking calories and charting weights.  But, the mystery is, where did my devotion come from?  Really, I cannot be certain.  I think it may have been that I was officially obese for too long and was simply tired of it.  Once I intellectually understood exactly how to lose weight, and knowing that all I had to do was keep track of what I was eating to do it, it became less of an effort and almost automatic.

For a long time, I was under the impression that people couldn't change, not really.  Sure, they could start something, and maybe be with it for awhile, but they would eventually end up back where they started.  Now, I know that is not exactly true.  Instead, I now believe that change can be very difficult, takes time, and requires a good  reason.  If you aren't convinced by your reason, save yourself some time and give up now.

Tales from the BK

At work, there is this retarded guy who imitates noises he hears, like the timer for the fries, the telephone, and small children ordering meals. I think he has Tourette's and some combination of other things.

One of the managers is this Asian dude who I suspect is the future mountain_dew. I think he manages the place for his own personal amusement and power trips:

"How long it take to make two cheese-burger??!!"

Today at work somebody ordered a Veggie Whopper. this is not the BK Veggie, but rather an "air burger" with the big-ass bun, mayonnaise, onions, tomatoes, pickles, lettuce and ketchup. That is it. What kind of nasty stuff is that? Wilted garnishes inside of a giant, warm fluffy bun. Why would you eat that when you can order the BK Veggie and get the actual patty that comes on it? I hope somebody orders the Veggie Whopper plain sometime. Or with "only ketchup" or something like that.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I got back into Oberlin :)

I went to see if I could register for classes using PRESTO, and instead of the "no term available" message, it said "contact your administrator for a time slot". No guarantees; I haven't heard anything official, but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing that my registration message changed on the day the committee made the decision whether or not I may go back.