Authentic amusing headlines

(thing)

by gambit32 (1.9 y)

Thu Jan 25 2001 at 21:14:18

The following is a bunch of actual newspaper headlines:

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation The Nodeshell Rescue Team

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Foreign Mistranslations	Stupid Quotes	Breaking off bits of other people's lives	The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
Lexical semantic ambiguity	Leading causes of death among porn stars	Syntactic ambiguity	Chinese exercise balls
The Straight Dope	adjective adjective adjective noun team	Man Bites Dog	American culture of fear
The Wizard of Oz	ambiguity	Swinging in the dark	school bus
Authentic	amusing	Nodeshell rescue	Uranus
Isaac Bonewits	Amon Tobin	June 11, 2005	The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

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Authentic amusing headlines

Brought to you by The Nodeshell Rescue Team...

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