Call if you need me

I would just like to bring something to the attention of everyone who has ever said this, or any of the variations of this statement, to me. I WILL NOT CALL.

I will not show up at your place at 4 in the morning, and I probably won't admit to you that I needed to not be alone. That all I needed was a hug, and a few adoring words of comfort and love.

Why?
Because I am stubborn, and because I think that the fact that I can't sleep doesn't really affect you anyway. Because I know that I won't ever get to a point where I am over whatever it is that ails me (something that I am resigned to), so you might as well save your energy for your own problems and sleep. Blissfully unaware that I was alone and in need of a friend.

Dont worry though. . .I won't ever hold you responsible for my inability to go to you with my problems. I certainly wont hold it in a negative light where our friendship is concerned. It isn't like you know what is going on with me or anything.
I don't know what is going on either.

I'd just like to point out that this node screams "I needed someone last night, but I didn't call you, or anyone else." Maybe you didn't hear quite right when I said I'd rather be woken up than find out you needed someone and didn't say anything.

Whether you hold me, or anyone else who offered to be there for you, responsible or not, I feel obliged to hold myself responsible. I should have known better. I shouldn't have climbed into bed while you were still online. It's my fault you suffered from your loneliness while I fell unconscious from exhaustion.

I doubt anyone expected to fix the problem that plagues your life, anemotis. I certainly didn't -- I didn't offer that. I offered to listen. I offered a shoulder. I offered a sounding board for all those things bouncing around in your head that keep your eyes open from the strain. I offered to make you smile and forget about your lonely depression, even if just for a few moments. I offered my support, any time, 10 digits away.

Obviously you doubted the truth in my statement, but knowing that you lay awake, with your mind probably racing about that guy (the one who ruined your life but you can't help loving anyways) just hurts. I didn't offer for my own self-edification. I offered because I knew you might, no, I knew you probably would need me, or someone, if not tonight, then tomorrow night, or the night after. It's not something I took lightly.

The fact that you couldn't sleep due to your problems does affect me.
The fact that you didn't think it might worries me.
(and if nobody knows what's going on in your life, least of all you, how do you expect it to get better?)

All that being said, I'm not angry. I'm just hurt, and I needed to say something. (and the fact that you pointed me to this node, even if I wasn't awake, is ironic)

You can get to the point where you are over whatever it is that ails you. Philippians 4:13. God can heal you.

I don't want to be blistfully unaware that you're alone and in need of a friend, and I want to use my energy to help you.

Preacher: "You know before I got married, Emily come by some times to help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, how come you are so eager to help clean up my place, when your place is just as bad. She said, 'because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a mess I have made of mine and when I sweep my floor, all I have done is sweep my floor, but when I help you clean up your place, I am helping you.' Of course, the way I lived back then sometimes the mess was to much for both of us, but it sure was nice to have the company." - (Babylon 5 episode)

I also feel obliged to hold myself responsible. What kind of friend (Yeah, I know it's just E2, but...) would I be if I felt otherwise? There are people who care about you and want to help you, but the ball is in your court.