| No, this is not about Trent Reznor selling out, nor about the recent cover of Nine Inch Nails's hurt by Johnny Cash on last year's album American IV: The Man Comes Around. But we're getting closer.
Roommate achan was stomping around the house bitterly bemoaning the recent death of Johnny's wife and partner June Carter Cash. "His days are numbered," he proclaims. "The Dexedrine addiction and Parkinson's were hard enough - he's got nothing to live for now. We should be putting all of our resources into finding him a new, suitable mate - and fast - otherwise the soul of country music could well sink into the quagmire of commercial radio for the last time." (too late.)
Yet even if we were to ignore the occupation of Iraq and the ongoing dismantling of the US Constitution, exclusively diverting our energies instead towards addressing this emergency, where in the whole world could a suitable counterpart be found for such an obstinate, blazing, legendary, notorious son of a ... gun? This would be no mere trifle like the celebrity-music pairings of Britney Spears and Fred Durst or Diana Krall and Elvis Costello - to suitably replace June would take some hitherto unimagined conjunction on the scale of John and Yoko.
Singer-songwriter Bernstein, aka Dan Bern, makes such matchmaking his business - practically his bread-and-butter, following up his hit Marilyn (Monroe should have married Henry Miller) with this piece of (rare these days) Gallo-American goodwill. Tragically cruel tricks of time have rendered this kinky suggestion unfeasible, but it's unlikely that any other proposal will ever top it for bizarre and delightful juxtaposed imageries.
He started burning little packs of incense;
She found herself talking with a twang.
She said, "Man in black, here's a finger up your ass!"
And he sang, and he sang, and he sang sang sang...
He started wearing red silk underwear;
She ate grits while she tied him to the bedpost.
He started buying fancy oils and soap
and she found herself whistling and howling like a train.
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin,
Anaïs Nin and Johnny Cash.
Their friends all said, "seems like a good thing":
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin.
She started wearing boots and a ten-gallon hat;
He hung a bolo tie on each of her breasts.
She covered his body in honey from Brazil
and got a cow and some goats to lick it all off.
"Bonjour, monsieur." "Well, howdy ma'am!"
"Voulez-vous?" "Yes I do - I like it like that!"
"Stick this up your nose." "You mean all the way up?
Why not? Okay - I like it that way!"
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin,
Anaïs Nin and Johnny Cash.
It was dirty, it was clean but it wasn't no sin:
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin.
He said, "I will walk the line for you,
my dearest, sweetest - mon petit chou."
She said, "I feel the same, of course,
but I wouldn't mind one time trying out your horse."
They did it all night, they did it all day;
He said, "Magnifique!" - she said "Hooray!"
They did it in the opera and the Opry too,
and she spat tobacco juice on his Italian shoes.
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin,
Anaïs Nin and Johnny Cash.
The other stuff they did would make your little head spin:
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin,
Johnny Cash and Anaïs Nin. | 
