Computer Possession!

created by moJoe

(idea) by moJoe (3.1 mon) (print) ? 1 C! I like it! Sat Mar 11 2000 at 10:32:46

Some fun stuff from our friends at the weekly world news. :P

Is Your Computer Possesed[sic] by a Demon?

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.

"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed.

moJoe: Satan v6.66, faster, better and only takes up 30k of disk space, thats LESS than back orafice, and he's freeware under GNU license!

The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.

"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.

moJoe: Because it takes a demon to make men look at porn... It must be great to be a christian when your wife catches you looking at kiddie pr0n, "The devil made me do it! I was possessed!"

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

moJoe: It's called a pathetic sex life lady, get over it.

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' "

moJoe: Lots of AI programs floating around out there... :P Heh, he probably opened IRC..hahah

Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

moJoe: Them nasty mouthed Mesopotamians, "Your cow is frail like a starved chicken!" or "The fruit you harvest is not yet ripe you unripe fruit picker!"

Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.

"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them."

The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.

moJoe: I wonder if Nortons is working on this...

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."

moJoe: I can see it now, "Evil's reign of terror over? Microsoft bug kills Satan while possessing PC"

printable version
chaos

Command Line Porn	But my computer really IS possessed	sic	my daughter, the terrorist
PAL	The Devil made me do it	pr0n	Getting to know you nodes
Miracles

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