Damsel in Distress

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CHAPTER 22.

"Young blighted Albert," said Keggs the butler, shifting his weight

so that it distributed itself more comfortably over the creaking

chair in which he reclined, "let this be a lesson to you, young

feller me lad."

The day was a week after Lord Marshmoreton's visit to London, the

hour six o'clock. The housekeeper's room, in which the upper

servants took their meals, had emptied. Of the gay company which

had just finished dinner only Keggs remained, placidly digesting.

Albert, whose duty it was to wait on the upper servants, was moving

to and fro, morosely collecting the plates and glasses. The boy was

in no happy frame of mind. Throughout dinner the conversation at

table had dealt almost exclusively with the now celebrated

elopement of Reggie Byng and his bride, and few subjects could have

made more painful listening to Albert.

"What's been the result and what I might call the upshot," said

Keggs, continuing his homily, "of all your making yourself so busy

and thrusting of yourself forward and meddling in the affairs of

your elders and betters? The upshot and issue of it 'as been that

you are out five shillings and nothing to show for it. Five

shillings what you might have spent on some good book and improved

your mind! And goodness knows it wants all the improving it can

get, for of all the worthless, idle little messers it's ever been

my misfortune to have dealings with, you are the champion. Be

careful of them plates, young man, and don't breathe so hard. You

'aven't got hasthma or something, 'ave you?"

"I can't breathe now!" complained the stricken child.

"Not like a grampus you can't, and don't you forget it." Keggs

wagged his head reprovingly. "Well, so your Reggie Byng's gone and

eloped, has he! That ought to teach you to be more careful another

time 'ow you go gambling and plunging into sweepstakes. The idea of

a child of your age 'aving the audacity to thrust 'isself forward

like that!"

"Don't call him my Reggie Byng! I didn't draw 'im!"

"There's no need to go into all that again, young feller. You

accepted 'im freely and without prejudice when the fair exchange

was suggested, so for all practical intents and purposes he is your

Reggie Byng. I 'ope you're going to send him a wedding-present."

"Well, you ain't any better off than me, with all your 'ighway

robbery!"

"My what!"

"You 'eard what I said."

"Well, don't let me 'ear it again. The idea! If you 'ad any

objections to parting with that ticket, you should have stated them

clearly at the time. And what do you mean by saying I ain't any

better off than you are?"

"I 'ave my reasons."

"You think you 'ave, which is a very different thing. I suppose you

imagine that you've put a stopper on a certain little affair by

surreptitiously destroying letters entrusted to you."

"I never!" exclaimed Albert with a convulsive start that nearly

sent eleven plates dashing to destruction.

"'Ow many times have I got to tell you to be careful of them

plates?" said Keggs sternly. "Who do you think you are--a juggler

on the 'Alls, 'urling them about like that? Yes, I know all about

that letter. You thought you was very clever, I've no doubt. But

let me tell you, young blighted Albert, that only the other evening

'er ladyship and Mr. Bevan 'ad a long and extended interview in

spite of all your hefforts. I saw through your little game, and I

proceeded and went and arranged the meeting."

In spite of himself Albert was awed. He was oppressed by the sense

of struggling with a superior intellect.

"Yes, you did!" he managed to say with the proper note of

incredulity, but in his heart he was not incredulous. Dimly, Albert

had begun to perceive that years must elapse before he could become

capable of matching himself in battles of wits with this

master-strategist.

"Yes, I certainly did!" said Keggs. "I don't know what 'appened at

the interview--not being present in person. But I've no doubt that

everything proceeded satisfactorily."

"And a fat lot of good that's going to do you, when 'e ain't

allowed to come inside the 'ouse!"

A bland smile irradiated the butler's moon-like face.

"If by 'e you're alloodin' to Mr. Bevan, young blighted Albert, let

me tell you that it won't be long before 'e becomes a regular duly

invited guest at the castle!"

"A lot of chance!"

"Would you care to 'ave another five shillings even money on it?"

Albert recoiled. He had had enough of speculation where the butler

was concerned. Where that schemer was allowed to get within reach

of it, hard cash melted away.

"What are you going to do?"

"Never you mind what I'm going to do. I 'ave my methods. All I

'ave to say to you is that tomorrow or the day after Mr. Bevan

will be seated in our dining-'all with 'is feet under our table,

replying according to his personal taste and preference, when I ask

'im if 'e'll 'ave 'ock or sherry. Brush all them crumbs carefully

off the tablecloth, young blighted Albert--don't shuffle your

feet--breathe softly through your nose--and close the door be'ind

you when you've finished!"

"Oh, go and eat cake!" said Albert bitterly. But he said

it to his immortal soul, not aloud. The lad's spirit was broken.

Keggs, the processes of digestion completed, presented himself

before Lord Belpher in the billiard-room. Percy was alone. The

house-party, so numerous on the night of the ball and on his

birthday, had melted down now to reasonable proportions. The

second and third cousins had retired, flushed and gratified, to

obscure dens from which they had emerged, and the castle housed

only the more prominent members of the family, always harder to

dislodge than the small fry. The Bishop still remained, and the

Colonel. Besides these, there were perhaps half a dozen more of the

closer relations: to Lord Belpher's way of thinking, half a dozen

too many. He was not fond of his family.

"Might I have a word with your lordship?"

"What is it, Keggs?"

Keggs was a self-possessed man, but he found it a little hard to

begin. Then he remembered that once in the misty past he had seen

Lord Belpher spanked for stealing jam, he himself having acted on

that occasion as prosecuting attorney; and the memory nerved him.

"I earnestly 'ope that your lordship will not think that I am

taking a liberty. I 'ave been in his lordship your father's service

many years now, and the family honour is, if I may be pardoned for

saying so, extremely near my 'eart. I 'ave known your lordship

since you were a mere boy, and . . ."

Lord Belpher had listened with growing impatience to this preamble.

His temper was seldom at its best these days, and the rolling

periods annoyed him.

"Yes, yes, of course," he said. "What is it?"

Keggs was himself now. In his opening remarks he had simply been,

as it were, winding up. He was now prepared to begin.

"Your lordship will recall inquiring of me on the night of the ball

as to the bona fides of one of the temporary waiters? The one that

stated that 'e was the cousin of young bli--of the boy Albert, the

page? I have been making inquiries, your lordship, and I regret to

say I find that the man was a impostor. He informed me that 'e was

Albert's cousin, but Albert now informs me that 'e 'as no cousin in

America. I am extremely sorry this should have occurred, your

lordship, and I 'ope you attribute it to the bustle and haste

inseparable from duties as mine on such a occasion."

"I know the fellow was an impostor. He was probably after the

spoons!"

Keggs coughed.

"If I might be allowed to take a further liberty, your lordship,

might I suggest that I am aware of the man's identity and of his

motive for visiting the castle."

He waited a little apprehensively. This was the crucial point in

the interview. If Lord Belpher did not now freeze him with a glance

and order him from the room, the danger would be past, and he could

speak freely. His light blue eyes were expressionless as they met

Percy's, but inwardly he was feeling much the same sensation as he

was wont to experience when the family was in town and he had

managed to slip off to Kempton Park or some other race-course and

put some of his savings on a horse. As he felt when the racing

steeds thundered down the straight, so did he feel now.

Astonishment showed in Lord Belpher's round face. Just as it was

about to be succeeded by indignation, the butler spoke again.

"I am aware, your lordship, that it is not my place to offer

suggestions as to the private and intimate affairs of the family I

'ave the honour to serve, but, if your lordship would consent to

overlook the liberty, I think I could be of 'elp and assistance in

a matter which is causing annoyance and unpleasantness to all."

He invigorated himself with another dip into the waters of memory.

Yes. The young man before him might be Lord Belpher, son of his

employer and heir to all these great estates, but once he had seen

him spanked.

Perhaps Percy also remembered this. Perhaps he merely felt that

Keggs was a faithful old servant and, as such, entitled to thrust

himself into the family affairs. Whatever his reasons, he now

definitely lowered the barrier.

"Well," he said, with a glance at the door to make sure that there

were no witnesses to an act of which the aristocrat in him

disapproved, "go on!"

Keggs breathed freely. The danger-point was past.

"'Aving a natural interest, your lordship," he said, "we of the

Servants' 'All generally manage to become respectfully aware of

whatever 'appens to be transpirin' above stairs. May I say that I

became acquainted at an early stage with the trouble which your

lordship is unfortunately 'aving with a certain party?"

Lord Belpher, although his whole being revolted against what

practically amounted to hobnobbing with a butler, perceived that he

had committed himself to the discussion. It revolted him to think

that these delicate family secrets were the subject of conversation

in menial circles, but it was too late to do anything now. And

such was the whole-heartedness with which he had declared war upon

George Bevan that, at this stage in the proceedings, his chief

emotion was a hope that Keggs might have something sensible to

suggest.

"I think, begging your lordship's pardon for making the remark,

that you are acting injudicious. I 'ave been in service a great

number of years, startin' as steward's room boy and rising to my

present position, and I may say I 'ave 'ad experience during those

years of several cases where the daughter or son of the 'ouse

contemplated a misalliance, and all but one of the cases ended

disastrously, your lordship, on account of the family trying

opposition. It is my experience that opposition in matters of the

'eart is useless, feedin', as it, so to speak, does the flame.

Young people, your lordship, if I may be pardoned for employing the

expression in the present case, are naturally romantic and if you

keep 'em away from a thing they sit and pity themselves and want it

all the more. And in the end you may be sure they get it. There's

no way of stoppin' them. I was not on sufficiently easy terms with

the late Lord Worlingham to give 'im the benefit of my experience

on the occasion when the Honourable Aubrey Pershore fell in love

with the young person at the Gaiety Theatre. Otherwise I could

'ave told 'im he was not acting judicious. His lordship opposed

the match in every way, and the young couple ran off and got

married at a registrar's. It was the same when a young man who was

tutor to 'er ladyship's brother attracted Lady Evelyn Walls, the

only daughter of the Earl of Ackleton. In fact, your lordship, the

only entanglement of the kind that came to a satisfactory

conclusion in the whole of my personal experience was the affair of

Lady Catherine Duseby, Lord Bridgefield's daughter, who

injudiciously became infatuated with a roller-skating instructor."

Lord Belpher had ceased to feel distantly superior to his companion.

The butler's powerful personality hypnotized him. Long ere the

harangue was ended, he was as a little child drinking in the

utterances of a master. He bent forward eagerly. Keggs had broken

off his remarks at the most interesting point.

"What happened?" inquired Percy.

"The young man," proceeded Keggs, "was a young man of considerable

personal attractions, 'aving large brown eyes and a athletic

lissome figure, brought about by roller-skating. It was no wonder,

in the opinion of the Servants' 'All, that 'er ladyship should have

found 'erself fascinated by him, particularly as I myself 'ad 'eard

her observe at a full luncheon-table that roller-skating was in

her opinion the only thing except her toy Pomeranian that made life

worth living. But when she announced that she had become engaged to

this young man, there was the greatest consternation. I was not, of

course, privileged to be a participant at the many councils and

discussions that ensued and took place, but I was aware that such

transpired with great frequency. Eventually 'is lordship took the

shrewd step of assuming acquiescence and inviting the young man to

visit us in Scotland. And within ten days of his arrival, your

lordship, the match was broken off. He went back to 'is

roller-skating, and 'er ladyship took up visiting the poor and

eventually contracted an altogether suitable alliance by marrying

Lord Ronald Spofforth, the second son of his Grace the Duke of

Gorbals and Strathbungo."

"How did it happen?"

"Seein' the young man in the surroundings of 'er own 'ome, 'er

ladyship soon began to see that she had taken too romantic a view

of 'im previous, your lordship. 'E was one of the lower middle

class, what is sometimes termed the bourjoisy, and 'is 'abits were

not the 'abits of the class to which 'er ladyship belonged. 'E 'ad

nothing in common with the rest of the 'ouse-party, and was

injudicious in 'is choice of forks. The very first night at dinner

'e took a steel knife to the ontray, and I see 'er ladyship look at

him very sharp, as much as to say that scales had fallen from 'er

eyes. It didn't take 'er long after that to become convinced that

'er 'eart 'ad led 'er astray."

"Then you think--?"

"It is not for me to presume to offer anything but the most

respectful advice, your lordship, but I should most certainly

advocate a similar procedure in the present instance."

Lord Belpher reflected. Recent events had brought home to him the

magnitude of the task he had assumed when he had appointed himself

the watcher of his sister's movements. The affair of the curate and

the village blacksmith had shaken him both physically and

spiritually. His feet were still sore, and his confidence in

himself had waned considerably. The thought of having to continue

his espionage indefinitely was not a pleasant one. How much simpler

and more effective it would be to adopt the suggestion which had

been offered to him.

"--I'm not sure you aren't right, Keggs."

"Thank you, your lordship. I feel convinced of it."

"I will speak to my father tonight."

"Very good, your lordship. I am glad to have been of service."

"Young blighted Albert," said Keggs crisply, shortly after

breakfast on the following morning, "you're to take this note to

Mr. Bevan at the cottage down by Platt's farm, and you're to

deliver it without playing any of your monkey-tricks, and you're to

wait for an answer, and you're to bring that answer back to me,

too, and to Lord Marshmoreton. And I may tell you, to save you the

trouble of opening it with steam from the kitchen kettle, that I

'ave already done so. It's an invitation to dine with us tonight.

So now you know. Look slippy!"

Albert capitulated. For the first time in his life he felt humble.

He perceived how misguided he had been ever to suppose that he

could pit his pigmy wits against this smooth-faced worker of

wonders.

"Crikey!" he ejaculated.

It was all that he could say.

"And there's one more thing, young feller me lad," added Keggs

earnestly, "don't you ever grow up to be such a fat'ead as our

friend Percy. Don't forget I warned you."

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