Tonight is the annuel New Year's Eve party at my girlfriend's house. I have to work today, but after that I will be drinking heveley. My digital camera is charged up and ready to catch all of my drunken friends making stupid drunken mistakes. I am not sure what my New Year's resolution is, or if I am even going to make one for that matter. I guess I will have to think about it.
So a new year is once again on the horizon. A new chance to turn it all around and make my life a pleasure rather than a mess. Yet I never manage this simple feat, and now I start to wonder, do any of us? Each year, the same resolutions: quite smoking; lose weight; find a job that you actually enjoy and yet still pays the same salary; meet Mr. Right; take up that hobby you've always wanted to do. Every January 1st, the same resolutions. Every December the 31st, the same realisation that I've once again failed to achieve any of them.
Why do I, indeed any of us, bother? Put ourselves through this same charade every year? A few years ago I made the resolution to make no more resolutions. I still got to December the 31st of that year feeling unsatisfied with what I'd come to achieve with my time. And I hadn't even set myself up with any expectations!
So this year, I'm taking a new tack. Fuck it up. Go for it. Seems like a bad idea? Do it. Eat that entire box of Krispy Kreme's by yourself. Chain smoke like you've got a personal grudge against your lungs and arteries. Quit your job - not with the intention of going on to a new and better place, just to get away from the tedium of where you are now. Money to burn? Burn it! Literally if you're a member of the KLF. Maybe once I've torn myself down to my lowest level, I can start to rebuild it all on new foundations. Maybe it's only by revelling in my vices like a dog rolling in dead animal will I come to realise just how good I actually have it.
I have a job - maybe not a great one, but it pays the bills and gives me something to do with the day. I gave in my one month's notice yesterday. Yes, I smoke too much, but (and so few people will admit this to themselves) I ENJOY it. I love that first drag of the morning. I'm not going to be guilted by family and the government into giving up something that, in all honest truth, makes me feel good. I've stocked up on Malboro lights, and I'm seeing the New Year in with a fag in my gob. Okay, so my frame's carrying a few more pounds than it should, but bugger it. Why should I conform to what society expects a girl should look like? I *like* having hips. Everything with the words "low fat" on has been thrown out of my kitchen and into the bin. Mr. Right? Mr. Good-For-One-Night will do. And as for that new hobby... you know what, maybe I'm just going to rediscover an old one. I found this site a few months ago during a bored lunchtime at my soon-to-be ex-workplace. Writing. I used to spend so much time writing, just because I could. I don't think I've picked up a pen in months. Years. I intend to spend as much of 2006 as possible with a pen in one hand, cigarette in the other, a bar of chocolate on the table and Mr. Good-For-One-Night asleep in the bed behind me while I once again explore the depths of my head.
Bloody hell, but I'm looking forward to next year.
Fell in love with a girl. I fell in love once and almost completely...
I met her around this time a year ago. We went to the same college together. We had the same name, off by one letter. I've only been in love once other than her, and that man is my fiancee. She was a swirling vortex of sound and color and life and emotion, and there was nothing I could do but throw myself in. I've never fallen in love as fast or as hard as I did with her.
She had boyfriends that came and went during the semester. I had mine, who lived four hours away and I only saw on weekends. We were inseparable. Eventually, our friends pointed out that we were a couple and we couldn't deny it - I brought her flowers, we went out to dinner and movies together, we walked eachother to class, we danced together, we sang together, we cuddled on her bed, we held hands, we where sexually involved with each other, and I loved her completely.
But she was not perfect. Oh no, far from it.
That summer, when we were both living back at our parents houses on different sides of the country, she disappeared. She wouldn't answer her phone, or e-mails, or instant messages. I went crazy wondering why she wasn't talking to me. Eventually I got a letter from her, on plain white paper in purple sharpie. It was short and told me that she loved me, that I had made her strong enough to make the choices that she had to make. It was a thank you letter, it was a goodbye letter.
Soon after that she finally called to tell me that she wasn't coming back to Florida. She couldn't stay at school, she was unhappy there, there was to much history of pain there for her and she couldn't stay. I died, so I told her that it was okay and she should do what makes her happy.
I spent the second half of the year being the angriest I've ever been. I cursed her for being a hypocrite, a coward, a flake. The only reason I could sustain anger like that for so long was because I had never loved someone so much and hated them so much at the same time. I felt abandoned, and I didn't know how to forgive her.
God, I miss her. I miss taking naps with her. I miss skipping class to play mini-golf with her. I miss how soft her skin is. I miss watching Zim with her. I miss dancing with her at walls. I miss her hand in my back pocket. I miss her being fucking psycho. I miss the days when she seemed happy to be here. I miss smoking on her balcony. I miss spending hours at Barnes and Nobel. I miss dressing up with her. I miss her making me girly. I miss protesting. I miss playing video games with her. I miss singing with her. I miss kissing her.
I've gotten to the point where I have forgiven her for leaving. I can even kind of understand now why she had to go, and why she did it the way she did. But I haven't really gotten over her yet.
There are not enough words to adequately describe what happened between us. All I can say is that I loved her more than anyone will ever understand. So here it is, an ode to you my Fae. Today, I raise a glass to us, this last year, and to you, in hopes that on this trip around the sun you will find your missing pieces.
Some things cannot be fixed. Still, northern spyes taste good again. Maybe even more delicious now. Funny how the amygdala works. Moss have sperm. With tails! While we were all sidetracked with the controversy over Intelligent Design, the current epitome of American evolution scampering about the White House monkeyed around with time itself. The United States has formally proposed dropping the "leap second" added to the official time standard every 7 years or so to compensate for the Earth's slowing. (Daniel Gambis, "Leap Second Chief" for the International Earth Rotation Service, tried to explain this to the BBC in 1998. "The Earth is like a grapefruit..." You cannot make this stuff up.) In 2004, the United States proposed to the International Telecommunications Union that atomic time be separated from its archaic connection to astronomical time. Oh, we'd add a leap hour every half century or so, but our dependence on computers makes diddling with time a bit dicey. Remember Y2K? The United States has managed to annoy the international community for minor transgressions--a little invasion here, some Geneva Convention misreadings there--but now we've managed to piss off the astronomers! "A disaster for classical astronomy....dirty trick." Jean Meeus, Belgian astronomer I planted a wheat berry in class. I had harvested it from a tiny crop of wheat I grew 2 years ago. Those wheatberries came from a farm in Montana. The same lineage was once grown in the steppes of Russia by pacifist Menonite farmers invited over by Catherine the Great. They had to leave when she died--so in 1874, some wheat berries travelled with them to the Midwest. The wheat outgrew the plant lights, and I forgot about it. While I was busy muddling children's minds with the Calvin cycle, it formed a beard of new wheat berries. Our breath now grain from a lineage here by the kindness of Catherine the Great. So I learned I can grow wheat in a classroom. I saw a swarm of mayflies two days ago. Leslie and I were walking a few miles along a stream, and there they were. I used to be bothered by critters who confound the mortal calendar, and in years past would have turned to Leslie and editorialized about global warming or crazy cycles or God knows what other tangential thoughts ramble in my head. Instead we stopped for a moment, enjoyed their energy, then walked on. I think Mary Beth may have something to do with this. Some people from E2 got very sick this year; some stories were public, many were not. I can be an petulant prick here. And like a drunk clutching a mostly empty bottle, I can acknowledge an unhealthy dependency on something that lets me float away from what matters, then toss the bottle and watch it smash, spilling what little ether remained in the bottle. I've whiled away afternoons here, then vowed to break free from this electronic hooch. But I always come back. For the occasional brilliant flashes of words. For the inanity in the littybox as we create our cartoons, eager to please and amuse. And, yeah, I peek at xp, too. But mostly I come back for the unseen kindness of those who have quietly shared their thoughts guiding me through an impossibly gray time by sharing losses they have survived. Not one of the many who have done so promised things would be the same, but they all said things do get better. And they do. Apple pie tastes good again. Don't let the tears fool you.
Moss have sperm. With tails!
While we were all sidetracked with the controversy over Intelligent Design, the current epitome of American evolution scampering about the White House monkeyed around with time itself.
The United States has formally proposed dropping the "leap second" added to the official time standard every 7 years or so to compensate for the Earth's slowing. (Daniel Gambis, "Leap Second Chief" for the International Earth Rotation Service, tried to explain this to the BBC in 1998. "The Earth is like a grapefruit..." You cannot make this stuff up.)
In 2004, the United States proposed to the International Telecommunications Union that atomic time be separated from its archaic connection to astronomical time. Oh, we'd add a leap hour every half century or so, but our dependence on computers makes diddling with time a bit dicey. Remember Y2K?
The United States has managed to annoy the international community for minor transgressions--a little invasion here, some Geneva Convention misreadings there--but now we've managed to piss off the astronomers!
"A disaster for classical astronomy....dirty trick." Jean Meeus, Belgian astronomer
I planted a wheat berry in class. I had harvested it from a tiny crop of wheat I grew 2 years ago. Those wheatberries came from a farm in Montana. The same lineage was once grown in the steppes of Russia by pacifist Menonite farmers invited over by Catherine the Great. They had to leave when she died--so in 1874, some wheat berries travelled with them to the Midwest.
The wheat outgrew the plant lights, and I forgot about it.
While I was busy muddling children's minds with the Calvin cycle, it formed a beard of new wheat berries. Our breath now grain from a lineage here by the kindness of Catherine the Great.
So I learned I can grow wheat in a classroom.
I saw a swarm of mayflies two days ago. Leslie and I were walking a few miles along a stream, and there they were.
I used to be bothered by critters who confound the mortal calendar, and in years past would have turned to Leslie and editorialized about global warming or crazy cycles or God knows what other tangential thoughts ramble in my head.
Instead we stopped for a moment, enjoyed their energy, then walked on.
I think Mary Beth may have something to do with this.
Some people from E2 got very sick this year; some stories were public, many were not.
I can be an petulant prick here. And like a drunk clutching a mostly empty bottle, I can acknowledge an unhealthy dependency on something that lets me float away from what matters, then toss the bottle and watch it smash, spilling what little ether remained in the bottle. I've whiled away afternoons here, then vowed to break free from this electronic hooch.
But I always come back. For the occasional brilliant flashes of words. For the inanity in the littybox as we create our cartoons, eager to please and amuse. And, yeah, I peek at xp, too.
But mostly I come back for the unseen kindness of those who have quietly shared their thoughts guiding me through an impossibly gray time by sharing losses they have survived.
Not one of the many who have done so promised things would be the same, but they all said things do get better. And they do.
Apple pie tastes good again. Don't let the tears fool you.
Time - and a new beginning
Happy birthday to you, my friend Happy birthday to you, who make my oceans sing Happy birthday to you, The Master of Words Happy birthday to you, who make life worth living
Every wound in my screwed up mind You embalmed patiently, plastered and healed The door to nightmares so dark and early seen You closed, locked and sealed
Sometimes I'm hurt, sometimes I'm Lucy in the sky You change and steadily move in forward space My thoughts are flickering glims of confusedness We hunt together now, speed up and race
You're the one - you're time and time again You're past and present of all the silent sounds my tongue has yet not cried Every jigsaw-toothed leaf, every blackbird's shiny feather's fall Tell that you're worth it all - for you I will abide
When I go blind, and all's a blur of fog and waterish wells When I go to pieces, sharp and cracked like thrown bottles of blue You compassionately wrap your veil around my future path You're always there - my love - Happy birthday to you
This sums up what 2005 has given me.
My father tells me that there are a lot of opportunites to make money. That would be fine if I were just chasing dollars. I would rather be what Buckminster Fuller describes as the money-bee that creates an impact.
I came across this article in Business Week: (http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/06_02/b3966074.htm)
It's about how the China Economy is in the boom phase and how they have yet to develop managers that have the Western style of management. It also talks about how the western teaching methods are applied.
I responded with the following comment: "It sounds like a lot of people are using what they "used to know" about a situation that requires special design and attention. The Chinese society is entirely different from the Western world. Everyone trying to grow this ecomony needs to "let go" of the mantra that "you only need to know what we tell you." (The Communist way.) In others words, just survive and not thrive. My father has been there and witnessed the Chinese say one thing, but practice another. The person who figures out how to bridge this gap will be among the richest. " Date reviewed: Dec 31, 2005 1:09 AM
Also, does this really make it right that the western culture is able to grow an economy that was once Communist into a Capitalist paradigm? I suppose that doesn't really matter if the China Governement wants to be among the power of the global economy. I pity the opinions people from Greenpeace might have to say about this.
Out of this particular instance, I then ask myself and then wonder - if I hadn't joined Interbiz, would I have ever thought about and responded to such news? This question undoubtedly asks whether the path I had chosen was indeed correct. The amount of knowledge gained from such a business system has put my interests into a different area of expertise. No longer am I just interested in web design and interface design. These are mere products development procedures that allow me to make money in the short term.
The long term knowledge will be acquired from such questions asked on articles having to do with socioeconomic conditions and situations that arise from developing economies of scale as well as business and its leadership development required for a successful business as a whole.
I am certain that I would not have been interested in such things, and would have developed a different sense towards material goods and hedonism as suppose to more wordly-significant items.
As for China, I keep thinking and asking what exactly could be the opportunity here? A business device to bridge the gap would indeed have to be applied across the board in corporations in China. But to have that kind of leverage needs also credibility. Maybe it only needs to be applied in one company so that it may spread out once successful. Maybe it is up to the North Americans with the Capital know-how as well as leadership know how, but not to teach the workers, the employees so much as to undermine and perhaps "pass" ourselves.
Such a person who holds back this kind of information may not be entirely useful in the best, most purist sense to help others - but would the Government allow it?
On the other hand, we could be the people who are the implementers.
I have always thought about what our place in the Global Economy could be. While China is finally developing their own industrial revolution, other parts of the first world economy have been living and developing the information age/revolution. Enlightenment in the corporations amidst some of the scandals and dishonesty - a correction for the entire socioeconomic paradigm, a Darwinism to weed out the bad.
So the answer could be - bring those from the first world to develop the others. That in itself is already a near selfless act - with a price. Let's hope those who want such knowledge are willing to pay for it.
So, it's 7.20pm on New Year's Eve, and at this point, I rate my chances of going out at around 10%. But that's alright. I'm not feeling mopey or maudlin, just ambivalent. I'll probably stay up past midnight, as I usually do, but not actually doing anything to 'celebrate' the new year ... and really, why bother? It's far too hot, and any social aspects are easily countered by the inevitable headaches of drunkenness, the horror of packed trains on a hot night, followed by giving up waiting for a taxi, and probably ending up walking 45 minutes up a mountain to get home. No thanks.
Overall? Not the best of years. A couple of hiccups with employers, contracts drying up, and so forth. But I've landed on my feet at this last place. Innovative work. Latest technology (who can complain about having several plasma and LCD TV's in their vicinity, and the freedom to watch new release movies and HDTV?), ability to work from home, and a lot of international travel.
My goals for the next year? Visit the US. Quite a bit. Build my websites - both my project and personal sites. Save money. Be happy. Successful. And "lucky in love". It's not too much to ask, is it?
So there we are, the three-minute-wrap of my life. Do you feel more enlightened?
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