Little Miss Muffett
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
And what a big tuffet she had.
So if you're feeling insecure
Just stand next to her
And then you won't feel quite so bad.
Thank you.
Fuzzy Wuzzy
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy
So he changed his name to Ed Asner.
Thank you.
Ode to Jack
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over
The candlestick
And burned his butt.
Thank you.
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer and settled out of court for a lot of money and ownership of the wall.
Thank you.
Jack Sprat
Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
So he became macrobiotic and a giant pain in the neck.
Thank you.
Requiem for a Lamb
Mary had a little lamb
With mint jelly.
Thank you.
The Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
And, boy, did it stink in there.
Thank you.
This Little Piggy
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home,
And this little piggy got her own prime-time sitcom
And it really kills me because I'm so much more talented than she is.
Thank you.
Thirty Days
Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November.
All the rest have thirty-one
Except for my Uncle Spit who was given thirty to life.
Thank you.
Ode to a Veggie
Beans, beans:
The musical fruit.
The more you eat,
The more they kick you off the air if you finish this poem.
Thank you.
The Teapot
I'm a little teapot,
Short and stout!
Here is my handle,
And here is a note from my shrink.
He says I'm getting better!
Last week, I thought I was a toaster oven,
Ahahahahahahahaha!
Thank you.
(ed: I always tell my shrink "You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.")
The Poem that I Wrote
This is the poem that I wrote.
These are the words that are in the poem that I wrote.
This is the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote.
This is the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote.
This is the audience that would do anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote.
This is the TV show that tortures an audience until they would do anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying (fin)
Roses are Red
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That's what they say,
But it just isn't true.
Roses are red
And apples are, too.
But violets are violet,
Violets aren't blue!
An orange is orange,
But Greenland's not green.
A Pinky's not pink.
So what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not we defile it.
But, ah, what the heck -- it's hard to rhyme violet.
