My grandmother was in the hospital. She was dying and I sat beside her in her bed to keep her company. Her right side pressed against me and I could feel her pulse through her nightgown. But then her heart stopped. There was simply no more beating. She slept beside me with her heart stopped and I didn't know what to do. I waited, hoping, "please start. please start." I didn't want to have to start CPR on my sleeping grandmother. The seconds spanned ages, until, finally, tere was a triplet of beats. The last one felt huge. A pause, and then her heart continued again. She was dying.
I got out of bed quietly crying to myself. My grandmother still slept. she didn't know what had just happened. The hospital was dark but I knew I should tell a doctor. Sitting on the hospital floor with my knees against my chest and my face in my hands, the dream lost form and continued in the space between fingers and crying eyes. I needed to tell someone but couldn't, because nobody knew.
The metaphor began to break down and I knew it was about my love for you, my broken heart, and not my grandmothers. There was no one I could tell. And then my best friend was there. He came to listen and to help, but he didn't know the details of us, and I couldn't tell him.
So I cried, for me, for us, for what couldn't be.
secrets suck
It was not at all strange to me that we were having class in a convenience store -- in fact it seemed perfectly normal. We were seated at tables similar to those in my old Physics lab at BU, but we were being taught art. I had a huge drawing of a vase of flowers in front of me, but for some reason I panicked last minute and erased it, replacing it with a drawing of two really old people. After doing this I felt much better until I realized that I was supposed to have a drawing of flowers - so frantically before the teacher came in I tried to somehow squeeze in a vase of flowers next to the old people. The teacher finally came in, the teacher was in fact Phil Donahue. He started to collect what we were drawing -which suddenly became paintings -- and because I was nervous I got up and went down the isle stopping to pick up a pack of frosting (not frosted mind you, frosting) Pop Tarts.
Next somehow I was in another building, it was a building full of computer labs that had elevators that led nowhere. Very weird. I kept going up and down in the elevator and nothing was happening. I began to get frightened until finally the door open into a small room with a computer. Rows and rows and rows of really odd characters that kept scrolling down the screen. I tried to get it to stop but it woulnd't and I became annoyed and started to pound on it.
Next thing I know my boyfriend is in the room with me telling me he had to go meet Cher for lunch.
I finally found my clothes and was off to Net Prep, which I don't even have. We were hooking up SCSI drives, but using ribbon cable for external drives. I got done real quick and got a pass out of my class. In the halls I ran into a kid from my Sociology class who is complaining that the gym teacher didn't even write him a pass, just wrote "Happy Fun Day!" on a piece of paper.
Then I was off to Algebra 2. For some reason I felt the need to flip out at the teacher. I was almost in tears going something like "You know we have a 45 minute period, you can teach for more than 8." The entire class, which happened to contain more of my friends than the real class, looked at me like I was crazy.
They took me away to the library, where I was reading a Road and Track tidbit about how DaimlerChrysler was building a platform to be used in both the Mercedes-Benz S-Class and Chrysler's 300M/LHS. At this point I realized it was a dream, and that the constant Bob Marley music in the background was coming from my stereo along with some strange beeping sound...
i was awake until 3am attempting to make my halloween costume, so i was pretty tired when i finally fell asleep.
that didn't stop me from having a nightmare about getting laughed at because my costume was really really stupid. the first permutation of the nightmare was me walking into work with my birthday suit on. what a terrible outfit for halloween. the worst part is that everyone laughed at my penis size because they thought it was a costume. my subconcious didnt like that idea, so it tried making a different dream where i didnt go to work at all on halloween and stayed at home masturbating. my boss called me during a "session" and told me to get right into work and fix the mrtg graphing system for our network. so i ran as fast as i could back into work and realized i was wearing nothing again. redux!
there were a couple more of these, but they are very blurry now.
printable version chaos
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