Elizabethan insults are in a class by themselves. They are incredibly fun to yell at people and have the added bonus of leaving the insulted temporarily speechless and therefore unable to respond before the insulter leaves the room. Simply select one word from each of the three columns below and yell it at an unsuspecting bystander.
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clank-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangles hell-hated jolthead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
quailing motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plum-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldworp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlet
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy urchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
To give these insults an even more renaissance-like feel, add the word "Thou" or "Thou art a/an" before the insult. Make insulting a family affair! Grab a sibling (or friend, roommate, total stranger) and have a conversation like this:
"Thou art a frothy, fat-kidneyed harpy."
"Really thou bootless, doghearted coxcomb?"
"Yes, you yeasty milk-livered malt-worm!"
"Malt-worm? Thou shalt pay for that, thou fobbing, earth-vexing measle!"
"Oh, shall I, you lumpish pox-marked canker-blossom?"
"Yes, artless, common-kissing maggot-pie!"
"...etc. etc. etc...."
Just be sure to stop before the other person punches you in the mouth (unless you like that sort of thing...). These also come in handy if you happen to be walking around in a renaissance faire. Yell one out and you will feel more a part of the action. Happy insulting!
While these insults are wonderfully direct and full of colorful imagery, the best insults, by far, from this era were written by Shakespeare. His plays are full of them and most are subtle enough not to provoke instant anger. Read a play of his through very carefully and look for the insults. You'll see what I mean.
Thanks to my English teacher for bringing me to a whole new level insults. He introduced this lesson buy yelling at us about our latest papers and throwing in a few of his favorite insults. He finished it by making us copy them off the board. We were sure to tell him our favorites from the list.
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