Don't give me crap about 5-year olds not knowing words like upholstry. Which, incidentally reminds me of another joke:
3-year old old Joey and Lisa are playing in the living room. Joey: Lisa, do you want to give me a blowjob in the patio? Lisa: What's a patio?
But I digress...
I'll end on this, one of the more classic classics. Chances are you've heard it, but I did call this node Essential Dirty Jokes, (watch it, clown!), so I'm including it.
One particular morning, the farmer wakes up and goes outside to milk the cow. Upon going into the barn, he sees that the cow is dead. The farmer panics, since the family had depended on this cow, and, hoping that his life insurance will support his family, he gets his gun and shoots himself.
The farmer's wife, hearing the shot, then wakes up. She goes outside and finds both their precious cow and her beloved husband dead. In a fit of grief, she decides she can't go on and hangs herself.
The oldest son hears this, and wakes up. He goes outside to investigate, and finds both his parents, and the cow, dead. Overwhelmed by this loss, he can't go on, and runs down to the river to drown himself. In the river is a beautiful mermaid. She says to him, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 5 times." Unable to resist such an offer, the son accepts, but is only able to do it 4 times. So the mermaid drowns him in the river.
Shortly thereafter, the middle son wakes up. He goes outside, sees his parents and the cow dead, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is there, and says, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 10 times." The middle son accepts, and after 8 times, is completely worn out. So the mermaid drowns him in the river.
Finally, the youngest son wakes up. Like his brothers, he discovers his dead parents, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid says, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 15 times." The horny little 13 year-old says, "Only 15 times? Why not 20, or 25? Hell, why not 30 times?"
Hearing this, the mermaid is shocked. Skeptical, she replies, "All right. If you can have sex with me 30 times, I'll bring your entire family back to life and in perfect health." They're just about to go at it, when the boy stops, and says, "Wait a minute...how do I know 30 times won't kill you like it killed the cow?"
The doctor walks into the examination room. There is a very beautiful woman lying on the table. The doctor begins his exam, and lets his hands wander. He strokes her neck, and asks "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies "Your checking my lymph nodes."
He moves his arms down, unbuttons her shirt, and fondles her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Your checking for breast cancer" she replies. The doctor figures since the woman is obviously depressed and being very complacent, he'll try his luck.
So he pulls it out of his pants, takes off the patients skirt, and goes to work. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "Your getting Gonorrhoea, thats what I'm here for."
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