I feel sick, as if someone slammed a sledgehammer into my gut.

She left me, and boy did she go out of her way to make it hurt. When I woke up this morning, I tasted something horrible. Motor oil. All over me, the bed, the carpet, the walls, everything. The entire house, the house we bought two months ago, was covered in motor oil. She must've used gallons of the stuff.

It took me forever to wash the grimy stuff off in the shower (which was also covered with oil, by the way), and when I got out and grabbed a towel out of the cabinet, I realized my mistake. All the towels were drenched in motor oil as well.

I decided to forego the towel and drip dry.

The phone rang. It was a police officer. Apparently, my car had been involved in an odd accident. It had fallen off a cliff into a shallow stream in the woods, about eighty miles from my house. I checked the garage. Yep, the car was gone. And I had a sneaking suspicion that it didn't just zoom off on its own volition.

I have a feeling this is going to be a very rough week.

Interesting end to the past 3 days.

The second annual EAST Partnership conference has ended, and I'm not too sad.

It's essentially an exhausting run where 10 select students get to display their projects for the year, with one being selected to represent the school. My school's project covered something of a "Smart House" for Habitat for Humanity, but wasn't presented all that well.

The day started with a bit of "abuse" of our equipment (dvd laptop + projector = mini-theater), and watched the first half of The Matrix before the conference began officially at 9:00. We ended the day the same way, only we got to where they have to go back and get Morpheus, and we had to stop.
This year was unusual, because in one year the conference almost doubled in size, expanding from about 50 schools last year to 98 this year. Most of the schools are from Arkansas, with a few from Alabama, Louisiana, the Chicago area, and 3 schools from Hawaii.

Projects were judged and awards were given out yesterday. I can't remember the exact winners(I was way too tired to care at that point), but I do know the prize was a plaque and a nice shiny new Dell laptop.

Oddly enough, as impressive as the conference is (booths filled with computer equipment, touting software ranging from microstation to Softimage 3D), it's a little subjective as to what is impressive. One class wrote a TCP/IP chat program in VB. Whoopee. I built one during the summer at work. Logged on to IRC with it too. Then Avid Software was there too, with their latest machine built for them by IBM. Nice machine, but our p2-300 with Ultra160 LVD SCSI matches it frame for frame, only we use Adobe Premiere (and their machine is a p3-933 with 128MB of RDRAM).

That reminds me. I swear that every booth looked like a freaking TRADE SHOW. Every presentation and booth listed EVERY peice of software they used, from Microsoft Word to the latest high-end peice of 3D wizardry that cost them $18k. Had Microsoft been paid $1 for each time they were mentioned, they'd easily have made $100k+. That brings on the subject of another rant.

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Rant ahead.

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I'm serious.

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Turn back now.

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Alright, you asked for it...

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It's WAY TOO MICROSOFT ORIENTED. In webpages, everything is done towards IE. Everything is done using NT/2K Server. Everything is done with VB/MSVC++. Only ONE person there I saw was using anything but, and they were using Borland C++ 4.5 and the DOS IDE. And as far as I know, my lab is the only one with a non-windows box. I was tempted to go up to the all-around-NT guy (he's big among the EAST group, he had a fit when he found out our lab was running a linux box), and say "My Linux box says 'Hi'"

Not only that, but some EAST student from the previous year, whom I had met and was pretty cool with, told me one thing as I started to talk with him. "Linux Sucks."

BOFFO! And he's supposed to be a representative for the highly technical half of one of the state colleges.

Personally, I hate NT. It's a bit of a headache to manage at times (we have rebuilding a machine down to an art using Norton Ghost), and tends to be inflexible. 2K I respect more, but it's still not something I like totally. But when people are often actively deferred from using something else because they WANT to try it, and maybe develop something incredible with it (use of non-ms OSes is often actively discouraged on the list serve).

The ideas, and reasoning behind the "East Initiative" are good, and for the most part respectable, but I think that it needs a major overhaul in attitude and administration, and cover more than just windows-based stuff.

End Rant Mode

This sucks.

I'm going to be working for IBM come May after graduation.

This also means I have to find someplace to live.

If you've ever been to Poughkeepsie, you know what I'm talking about. Theres no place decent around here. Most of the places look like ass. Those that don't, are full and dont plan on any opennings. For here, its basically completely yuppie or living like white trash. There is no inbetween.

all i'm looking for is a nice, 1 bedroom apartment which is big enough to house 2 people, a 20 gallon tank with two snakes, and my computer. Only places available are places which are all dilapidated and falling apart. Theres a nice place behind our price chopper, but its yuppie. not to mention full of people who already work for ibm, and they dont plan on leaving soon.

i think i'm going to be living under a bridge.

Last Friday, I got what would be the start of a cold. It had been since November I had gone without a cold. Starts in the same place every time: the glands. Goes from the throat to my nose to my chest, like clockwork. It got so bad that my co-worker, Sandi, suggested I take a day off this week and get some rest. Normally I tough out a cold, considering it to be the least proper reasons to call in sick. I came home Monday night, bought some NyQuil, and conked out. I was interrupted by a call from Carson, who lives with me. He was still at work and couldn't get his car started. We had just come back from the noder gathering in Atlanta with no problems, so I wondered what was up now. He asked me at first if I could come get him, but I had no idea where in the city he was working and wasn't confident enough to rely on my recently drugged mind to navigate, since there was no way to call him if I got lost. I talked him into calling a cab. I barely remember the time frames between him coming home and going to bed, I was that plowed.

The following morning, I decided that calling in would be the best thing, since the dust in the body shop doesn't help when you're coughing from your sternum in an effor to clear your lungs of green phlegm. While I was at home, I called a tow truck to go get Carson's car and he took mine to work. I sat at home again and dosed myself, wanting to suck up as much sleep as possible. I should note here that I was picking the worst time to quit smoking and had subsequently ripped up the last half pack of cloves and poured them into a bowl and set it on the counter in the kitchen. I caught myself lighting a few of the butts before I doused the bowl with water, leaving it on the counter as a testament.

So today I get Carson to get up with me at 7am (when normally he wouldn't get up until 10 or so, since he doesn't have to be at work until 2pm) and drop me off at work. When he put his keys in his car for the tow truck driver, he locked them in the car (doh!) out of habit. So when I got here, I had to get them out only to start the car up with no problems. Oh well. While the car was here, I might as well get the other things checked out. His trunk wouldn't close after a while and he was worried his CV joints might be going bad. Well the good news was that his CV joints were fine. The bad news is that he needs a new rack and pinion and steering pump, because it's leaking. The good news is that they don't have to be replaced right now but there's no real sign to indicate when they will need to be.

I was able to get the trunk lock re-welded (since from forcing it shut while on the Atlanta trip, we practically ripped the mount out of the sheet metal) for $100, and that's pretty good. Working in a body shop is often a good thing. And as much as I complain about it, working in a car dealership with a full service and parts department is also a very very good thing.

As I got into the car to go home, it wouldn't start. I tried jumping the battery. The interior lights came on, but nothing more than that. I got a bigger charger. No dice. I get a mechanic to tap on the starter with a hammer while I turned the ignition. Nothing.

Greg, remember when I just now asked for a battery for a 92 Taurus? Well, you got a starter back there, by chance?

I have to say, I love service technicians who work the late shift. We got out the little tractor and towed the car around, and right now a mechanic's popping that baby in for me.

You have reached the home of Laura Uhl. I'm either not at home or online. Leave a message. Thank you very much. BEEP.

Yeah, Carson. If I'm not home by the time you get this, come to the dealership and bring some money. I'd say $100 would be good. We're putting in your starter. And oh, the parades are running in Metairie. You may have to find another way here.

Yep, that's right, the Mardi Gras parades run in the suburbs too. Ain't life grand?

Lately, I feel like the wall between myself and the rest of the world is ten feet thick.

Too many acquaintances and too few friends doesn't even begin to describe it. Thinking of the people I talk to in the halls (fellow weirdoes, people I had a class with once or twice), I might know half of their names. This after 12 years of going to school with them.

I've had 18 years, and I've been in one relationship, lasting three days. She compared my personality to a brick wall, and she was the one who wanted to be with me.

Fuck this. I'm barely able to type out a half decent writeup to E2 right now, but I'm going to change, and it's happening really fucking soon.

Went to an AHL hockey game tonight. The Crunch beat the (not so) Mighty Ducks of Cincinnati 4-1. I haven't gone to a pro hockey game since the San Francisco Spiders were around. The only NHL game I've been to was on my 18th birthday with my Dad.

It's funny, I won the tickets in a dance contest yesterday night. First prize was a free body piercing, which went to a girl. She was bugging the D.J. all night to run the contest, so I think he just gave it to her. I'm not bitter though. After she left the club the D.J. admitted that I was the better dancer. Vindication. I'd have rather seen the hockey game anyway.

He also gave me a free drink ticket which I didn't use.
Bummer.

if one more man that i happen worship kisses me, then reveals how he is too fucked up, how the time is not right, and how the place is all wrong for anything to grow between us as a way to break my heart, i think i'm going to kill myself. no, wait. not myself.

him....

this has happened too many times this year. maybe this newest case is a chance for me to prove i learned from the last one, but i think i'm too fragile now to be that strong. i've been so sad so long now. not that long maybe. but longer than i have been in a while. if i string this out and talk him into being with me it'll just hurt more in the end. i think i learned that from you, dear. i think i did. but i keep on holding out, hanging onto the tremble in his voice and the way that he too talks of someday, and i want to love him anyway, and want him to try no matter his misgivings. aren't i worth that?

maybe that particular question is the problem precisely.

i bet you i'm worth more than that. and that's why it has to hurt like this for now.

So my new Business Cards arrived the other day. I was looking forward to it since at my last employer there was a policy against printing Qualifications on business cards and I was finally looking forward to using my letters at last.

When the cards arrive however, my letters are conspicuously absent and it is explained to me that Object Oriented has just recently instituted a policy against qualifications on business cards too. What the fuck is going on?. This policy is following me. No one ever seems to be able to explain the reasoning behind it either. Its like some sort of giant business card conspiracy.

They also came back listing my title as 'Consultant' rather than 'Software Engineer' as I had asked. ( Well actually I asked for 'Computer Geek' but I settled for Software Engineer ). It's true that I consult but then these days people who sell mobile phones in the street are called consultants. sigh.

Im going to stop obsessing about it now because Im starting to sound like Patrick Bateman.

09:50

I'm... sort of tired but awake.

Last night I finally found a good NES emulator, FCE Ultra. "Good" in a sense that the sound quality was good, it used full-screen double-size mode, and it had a frame limiter. Byebye nestra and iNES =)

Hmm... Metal Gear has the same "game over" music as Metal Gear Solid training missions.

Today... well, I hope something interesting will occurr eventually.

16:29

No, I didn't get to go for the second phase of driving school. The course was full.

Wow! grip finally supports Ogg Vorbis! This is probably cooler than my old Rexx script for CD ripping...

Oh, yeah, the first CD from which I ripped music from? TaRuTe's Before the storm. (Yes, I sort of like this stuff. In its own way. =)

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Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Metal Gear FCE Ultra svgalib Grip

Updated: DK Rap

I'm sketching this note on a stray computer, in the corner of the newspaper office. It's a late night.

It's a campus paper, and the late-breaking story, full of cover-ups and inconsistencies, deals with the upcoming student body president elections next week, so all in all, it's not a big deal in global terms but still... I find my body full of electricity. Margie makes another connection, and we all, the four or five of us still here, we smile, we urge her on, we laugh at the poor, pitiful fools that are going to be nailed down by the unerring eye of journalism at its best. But it's late.

Another forged signature. Another admission of guilt. The candidate almost conceded tonight, just after midnight. I was there.

I'm not a journalist by trade. I happened onto this job rather haphazardly. I was, well, I still am, a music major, playing oboe, but that past seems so far behind me now. I wrote columns and then I was promoted, not unwillingly, to an editor position. So all this news-making -- all this "this just in!" -- it strikes me as novel, I'm still not used to it. But the electricity is wearing out.

We're a weary band of galley-slaves, the six of us. Krysia waits for the final pieces of the design; Margie is writing the last news story; Brad is writing the editorial, which I will then edit and send to Jeff, who will do a final check and send it to Krysia, who has left a big, gaping whole on the opinion page. Then I'll make sure the editorial fits, and print it off for April, who will make sure the page is just...perfect.

A silent camaraderie grows between us. We are the final watch. We are the eyes of the student. I didn't come into this job expecting to love journalism, but I find that I do.

Night 13 before I leave California for Germany, perhaps forever. I suppose the packing is going OK. I'm trying not to stress about the particulars and concentrating more on the ways in which my life is in transition.

Last night I had dinner and a drink with an ex-girlfriend, my first love, who, while we only spent a month and a half together ten years ago, has played a main role in my life, sometimes in absentia, sometimes as the source of my pain, sometimes of my hope. I don't mean to get all melodramatic, but you need to know how important she is to me, even though I'm not in love with her any more, at least not in a way that makes me want to be with her.

So during the two beers, toward the end of the evening, it dawned on me that if I ever see her again it will be with buckets of new experience behind me. And this trip to Germany is the fulfillment of a dream I have had for years and tried to realize seven years ago... and failed utterly. This is my chance to make it right, play it right.

And most importantly, the woman I love is waiting for me in Berlin. I am rather afraid of my hope, afraid of my happiness in this miraculous new relationship. The woman I love now was in fact my second love, harking back to 1994, when I didn't believe I could love again, and was blindsided by intense feelings that both awakened my hope and ripped me open from stem to stern. That situation didn't go so well in 1994, but it changed me irrevocably.

So this trip, this move, is a huge transition for me. I smell freedom and happiness and it's terrifying. I need to leave all the bitterness behind, from loves #1 and #2 and my recently failed marriage. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on the events that are coming up, because it can scotch things.

At the end of it all, at the end of last night, I said to my first love what was in my heart, which was "Be well," a sort of goodbye, and walking away I felt a sense of awe. I feel that now. There's a lot of power in me yet. At last I can say to myself (and begin to believe), "Everything's going to be all right."

Whew.

What a difference a day makes.

Didn't make it to work today... Don't ask why, I couldn't tell you.

Wow... got a Lan Party comming up in a few days. Get ready for Wastelan peeps - we're gonna really rock the Sun Dome this month..

Kinda odd, my car's the last place I've got to really listen to music the way i like it. Ended my CD purchasing drought today - acquired _Things_Falling_Apart_ by none other than Trent Reznor and crew. Whoa. Alot better than I'd expected.

As I was thinking about purchasing it earlier today, someone gave me a call. Of course, I was too busy listening to Bjork to hear the phone ring in the other room... But I figured I'd check my caller-id anyway, and she'd called. So I called back.

"Well, I'm gonna go out and pick up a CD, wanna come with?" "Sure, I'm not doing anything... Come pick me up."

So we went to the mall. She knows just about everyone there after working there for quite some time (until about a year ago). Well, that and she's quite the "social butterfly"... Anyway, it was kinda annoying to tell the truth. She even went as far as asking her friend at Sam Goody to give me, someone she didn't even know, her employee discount. Riiight. So we left pretty quick. "I've never done the mall that fast before, hehehe", she remarked on the way out... "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

So we left. And I drove... And drove... And drove..... And we talked. And I listened to Reznor, I think she did too.

Chips and salsa... Tia's employees may not always be the nicest people, but it's one of the coolest places to go if you just wanna chill. Free chips and salsa, and you're set. :) We got to talking and stayed for a few hours, as is the custom with most Tia's visits. Then...

Tampa International Airport. The place where only four types of people bother visiting... One: Those passing through headed to (or from) better places. Two: Employees of the airport's many departments. Three: CIA/NSA/FBI agents looking for international terrorists. Four: Bored Tampa residents looking for something to do on a Wednesday night. As you can guess, we weren't a part of the first three.. We did get a chance to talk alot though and discuss alot of interesting things. I talked about music, Reznor, and Linux, and it really was interesting to hear about all the strange places she'd had sex... But I won't get into any of the aformentioned subjects here on e2.

We left after a few hours though. But while we were there, something must've clicked... The ride back was kinda interesting, and she'd already broke her curfiew. So we went back to my place... And . . . Well ... ... ... yeah.

Life has changed, and I think it's fun now. :)

Somehow things are different now... It's weird too, very little emotional involvement, very little in the way of commitment - simply a verbal agreement to keep things exclusive - and enough physical contact to make the two of us pretty satisfied with life. My morals are in tact and my dignity is still there, so it's not like I did something against my ethics...

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Update-February 27, 2001: See today's daylog to make sense of the above statements. Well, okay, maybe not make sense of, it'll never make sense.

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And anyway, things between me and Sarah have been over for awhile - it just took me until recently to notice it. She's evidentally got no interest in being close to me anymore, and if she's dropping me like a bad habit I don't see how this is any worse. Not my loss, and not my problem anymore. Still... Should I feel bad? Or even think about the situation with her anymore?

Guess so.. Stopped by her place earlier, and got a lil' taste of why I should. I've still got to be her friend, albeit one that's kept farther away than arm's length. Oh well, what can I do now?

So, yeah... What a day. Got a new CD, got to enjoy myself for once, and managed to keep myself together in the process.

I knew it'd take a certain something to kickstart my life. Seems like it's made at least a temporary impact... Now I feel like I've moved on, even though I moved on months and months ago.

Every day is an epiphany.

BTW, why couldn't I have picked up Telegram five years ago?! Bjork is really something . . else.

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Another post-addition edit... Removed the names of the innocent to protect the, erm, innocent.

I did two things today that I really don't like very much. First, I skipped my scheduled work out. Second is I blew someone off that I really shouldn't have.

The person that I blew off called me on the phone because I didn't show up as promised. They called me twice. I don't know for a fact that it was them, because even though I have an answering service, it doesn't let me screen calls. I'm pretty sure it was them, though. This person is my boss. The place I didn't show up at, is work.

Now, I think ordinarily most people might think this was quite serious and that I might get fired if I did this, but I actually can't get fired, because I'm indispensable. Wow, that sounds so bizarre, even as I type it, but it's true and it just dawned on me.

The really strange thing is I'm not worried, instead, I feel guilty. I let my boss down when he was counting on me. But I feel, that I'm being taken advantage of, and I don't really want to be there.

My stomach churns.

Last week I had an email from my best friend. I hadn't heard from him in a 6 months, today I found out why.

Any of you that know me really well know I like children, I'm happiest playing Uncle. My best friend and his wife lost their baby. Not just a normal miscarriage, but a "missed abortion" at 4.5 months. It meant a complete birth, taking 36 hours, with the obvious exception to a normal birth. This was followed by a miscarriage 4 months later.

My last email had enquiried after "the bump". I feel so shitty.

Gettign in here a little late this afternoon.

Work is smooth... set up contacts with the Financial Times today. Lunch was lamb, green beans and minnestroni.

Not nuch on my mind today... feel like splitting work early and heading home to a big fat spliff.
God I'm such a stoner.
I love this new book I'm reading, given to me by Kristi, called Eureka Street. It takes place in Belfast and is very ironic and sweet and funny.

Kristi is always turning me onto good books. It's one of the things I love best about her other than her mind, body, pesonality, hip huggin Desiel jeans, lack of cooking skills, sense of humor, compassion, insecurities, general sexiness, smile, eyes, lips, hands, feet, tongue, determination, independence, funny accent, specific sexiness, brains, brawn, westling skills, etc {but not in that order}.

Much mellower today, yesterday i was all hyped and amped because i was hitting level 4. now that I'm there i realize once again... it's the journey, not the destination that matters.

TToday i nodded:
Ken Babbs
Grateful Dead
Robert Hunter
Be seeing you E2.

15:48

Once again, I left the conference room feeling incredibly pissed off at my client, boss and just about anyone else I could think of. Unfair criticism, unrealistic demands, lack of faith in my skills... This has become an all too familiar occurrence lately.
But today, after sitting at my desk for a while and cooling off, I understood something. I'm actually angry at myself. I fail to meet the clients' and bosses' demands and schedules due to my own lack of motivation, faulty attitude and good old fashioned laziness. I fully admit I'm not committing anywhere near 100% of my energy and brainpower (the little I possess) to this job. When I think through things as objectively as possible, I can see the people in charge have been more than generous with me, and standed my unprofessional behavior for much longer than they should.

As I see it, I've got two options. One is to give up, quit my job and go live in the woods as a hermit on a vegan diet. The other is unfscking myself, trying to gather whatever motivation and