For the love of God, I am not a homosexual!

... though sometimes gay friend would be an apt description.

• I'm always ending up in the friend zone.
• I've lived with cats.

What is it that makes people and co-workers misperceive someone's sexual oreintation? I don't think I come off as gay. I don't think I have a gay-sounding voice, or a gay walk. Yet it continues to happen.

Is there something about a man with short hair and one earring? If I wore my hair in a mullet would I still have this problem?

Is it the glasses?

Is it because I pay attention to what people are saying?

Is it because don't own any hockey jerseys?

I'm a dad for chrissakes! I've been married, sired two children, divorced, dumped a string of hopeless girlfriends, had a torrid affair with a good friend's SO...

I mean, heck! I guess there might be things about me that are slightly suspect.

• I did learn to sing from Don't Shoot Me I'm Only the Piano Player.
• I did sometimes overhear the epithet "Elton" when introducing myself in London.
• I like to dance.

But if there's one thing I truly love (I mean can't-stop-thinking-about-it love) it's women.

I know I don't appear androgynous. I've taken pains to make sure of that.

But through some miscalculation of style, do I somehow seem gay?

props to Alpha42

SO YOU'VE BEEN MISPERCEIVED AS A HOMOSEXUAL

or, "Am I a fauxmosexual?"

What is a red-blooded heterosexual male to do? Herewith The Management presents a guide to help men in such straits (*snort*) better present their true natures:

To convince your homosexual friends that you are not playing for the same team as they:

• Always say no to a rim job. Even if offered by Angelina Jolie.
• Disavow any disposition toward the performing arts. Under no circumstance are you to empathize with any female performer's tragic life, unless said performer is Britney Spears or perhaps in a pinch, Shania Twain.
• Chew tobacco. Messily.
• Never ask for a back rub from another male ... straight or gay. You're just asking for trouble.
• You hate disco. You hate 80s music. As far as you're concerned any band that hit the scene after 1975 (and before 1965) is made up of nothing but drugged-out faggots.
• Yeah, Elvis too.
• Avoid all public restrooms. Just do it.
• Never dress to flatter your own body.
• Don't overcompensate and get married; don't even think about having children! That's just not dealing with your denial (see Tom Cruise).
• Likewise, don't ever join the Church of Scientology (see John Travolta).
• The only true sport is American football. Basketball is an acceptable choice if you live in an urban area.
• Everyone in Europe sucks cock. You know this, and avoid Continental pursuits at all costs, even if that means you have to move to America.

To convince your heterosexual friends of your good standing:

• Chew tobacco. Messily.
• Sport a mullet, especially if you have fine, thin, greasy hair.
• Fix cars. Greasily.
• Wear clothes you think flatter your body.
• Never let your straight friends know you have gay friends (see "Seinfeld" and the "Worlds Collide" syndrome). You're just asking for trouble.
• Gillian Anderson is always a safe fantasy to share with other heterosexuals. She bears no gay "stigma" a la many other female performers (see Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, The Backstreet Boys Britney Spears et al) and she's viewed as an attainable image worthy of emulation by other women).
• Under no circumstances are you ever to dance, unless it's under extreme duress and forceful protest. Unless you're Patrick Swayze. Even then, you must do a movie in drag as penance.
• If you do find yourself in a situation that requires dancing, make it unromantic, clumsy, and painful.
• Commit suicide if you discover that you are the last male dancing.
• Every woman sees you as the paragon of masculinity. Even lesbians. Especially the lesbians in porno. Most especially lesbians who say they hate men.
• Never, ever declare your heterosexuality in any defensive tone of voice. Sooner or later someone will knowingly smile your way and state they think the lady doth protest too much (See J. Edgar Hoover, Roy Cohn, et al).

Or, to easily satisfy both sides of the fence when challenged, politely smile and say, "I apologize, but I don't believe my choice of partner is any of your business... if, in fact, it were any of your business, why, YOU'D ALREADY KNOW."