Barbershop: Corporate Sabotage
All roles are gender neutral. As many characters as the director wants, just requires chairs for all customers (those waiting and one in Barber's chair). Props consist of a pair of scissors, magazines, and coupons (all of which can be mimed if necessary).
SCENE: A Barbershop. There are people waiting (From here on referred to as Waiters, one of whom is Coupon) in chairs reading magazines, and one customer in a barber's chair getting hair cut (Chair) by Barber.
(Enter Customer.) Customer: Excuse me. Barber: Yes? Customer: How long is the wait? Barber: About an hour. Coupon: There's no waiting down the street. Customer: (To Coupon) Then why are you here? Coupon: Oh, I'm just waiting. Customer: (To Barber) How much for just a standard cut? Barber: Twenty three. Coupon: It's cheaper down the street. Customer: Really? Coupon: Yup, in fact here is a coupon. (Coupon gives Customer a coupon) Customer: Thanks, but why are you giving me this? Coupon: I work for the place down the street. (Customer exits. Barber stops cutting Chair's hair and confronts Coupon.) Barber: What are you doing here? Coupon: This... (Coupon pulls a handful of coupons from each pocket.) Coupon: Coupons for everyone! (Coupon throws the coupons in the air. The other waiters scramble, picking up the coupons and run out following Coupon.) Barber: Prick! (Barber goes back to finish on Chair. Coupon runs back in.) Coupon: Half off on highlights! (Chair jumps out of the barber's chair and runs to Coupon who hands him a coupon.) Barber: Hey! (Chair and Coupon run out.) END SCENE
60 Seconds To Live
Again gender neutral roles of any type.
Scene: Two people One and Two are tied to two chars back to back. There is a small box on the floor, the bomb.
A MAN and a WOMAN sit next to each other on a sofa, facing the audience. She is leaning into him, and he has an arm around her shoulders in a casual, comfortable embrace. His eyes are closed and he is the picture of contentment. The woman addresses the audience; the man does not hear her.
WOMAN : He looks so... content. We've been sitting here in silence for a while now and it's such a contrast to his nervous chatter back when this was so new and exciting. But now, look at him; relaxed, secure... happy.
That's why this is so difficult. I know, now, past the flirting and the giggling, past the blushes and the awkward stares, I know now that he's not my future. The way he looks at the world; I can never be like that.
And we've been sitting like this for a while now. It's a silence begging to be broken, and I know, I KNOW how he's going to break it, and I'm not ready, but this time, for the first time, I don't think I can -
The MAN opens his eyes and looks at her. She remains facing the audience.
MAN: I love you.
She looks at him, for a beat, and then away.
A man, the VENDOR, enters, with a suitcase. He puts it down and looks around furtively, waiting.
A second man, the BUYER, enters. They eye each other warily.
VENDOR: Er. Hello, are you here for, you know, the, er, the, er, the, well, um...
BUYER: The suitcase full of pornography.
VENDOR: Ah, yes, yes, exactly.
BUYER: Yes. Here's the fifty quid.
He hands the vendor some notes.
BUYER: Pleasure doing business with you.
He reaches for the suitcase. The vendor pulls it away slightly.
VENDOR: It's not, ah, it's not mine, you know. It's a funny thing, hahaha, you see, I moved into this new flat, and in the cupboard, I swear to god, I find this suitcase, you know, full, FULL of pornography! A whole suitcase! It was, you know, quite big, and...
BUYER: This suitcase.
VENDOR: Hahaha! Yes, yes, of course, yes, precisely, this suitcase here. But, anyway, I just want to say, I'm, not, you know, I'm not some kind of pornography vendor. I mean, haha, I am selling you this suitcase, yes, but, see, I just felt I should get rid of it somehow, and this seemed the best way. I haven't watched it or anything, you know, someone else's pornography, it seems... distasteful... not that you shouldn't watch it, of course! You know! Enjoy yourself! Erm. Or don't, you know, really. It's none of my business.
BUYER: Right.
The buyer reaches for the suitcase again. Again, the vendor pulls it away.
VENDOR: Of course, since I haven't watched it, there could be anything on there, so, er, be careful, kind of thing.
BUYER: None of that, you know, shit with animals?
VENDOR: Gosh no! Well, I hope not. Er. I haven't watched it. Actually that'd be illegal, wouldn't it, me selling you that? Hahahah. Actually look have this back.
VENDOR gives the notes back to the BUYER.
BUYER: What?
VENDOR: I have to, ah, survey all this stuff before I can sell it. Meet me here again in a week?
VENDOR departs at speed with the suitcase, leaving BUYER standing.
One Teacher, and up to seven Students. Setting requires enough chairs for the students, lined up, with the Teacher at the front of the room.
Two onstage, gender neutral. One offstage, to enter on cue. No props. Characters will be refered to as One, Two, and Three
Catnip
Two men are peering into a largish cardboard box which, assuming you don't have a contact at Industrial Light and Magic, the audience can't see into.
Fred: It looks like a kitten to me.
Ted: well, maybe, but...but it has wings.
Fred: But it's so cute!
Ted: ...Lizard wings.
Fred: And that nose, and the whiskers. It's adorable.
Ted: It looks like a Gremlin.
Fred: See? There you go. Gremlins are cute.
Ted: er.
Fred puts his hand in the box.
Fred: Aww, look. It's licking me.
Ted: It has a forked tongue.
Fred: Ok, so it's smelling me. Whatever.
Ted: And its eyes are freakin' me out.
Fred: Why? They're so big and dewey.
Ted: They close sideways.
Fred: Yeah, well...I guess that is a little strange.
Ted: Thank you. Now please, can we -
Blackout as a scream is heard.
Fred: (gasps) You do tricks, too!
Three Words
Two people, a guy and a gal, sitting on a bus stop bench. No props necessary. The guy should be played as deadpan as possible and the girl just, well, confused but intrigued.
Guy: (conversationally) There are three words in the English language that /
Girl: (interupts) Excuse me?
Guy: There are three words in the English language that begin with D W. Name them.
Girl: Who are you?
Guy: I'm a guy waiting for a bus and I'm bored out of my mind. Who are you?
Girl: I'm confused.
Guy: Pleased to meet you. Just go with it. There are three words in the /
Girl: (interrupts again) I heard you.
Guy: Buying time to think?
Girl: No. Maybe.
Guy: Only three. Come on. Play along.
Girl: You're such a dweeb.
(pause)
Guy: There are FOUR words in the english lang -
Girl: TAXI!
(blackout)
The stage lights go up. A man and a woman, both in aprons, stand facing the audience. Both of them are in three-quarter stance, mirroring each other.
Man: "Doesn't that just get you?" She is confused, and arches a single eyebrow. Woman: "What?" He gestures to the scene before him. Man: "The beauty." She scoffs. Woman: "You and your beauty. It's just arranged differently." Man: "No, it's beautiful." He makes a sing song expression with his hands. Man: "Just the way it is." Woman: Whatever. She chews the inside of her cheek, and looks up, and to the left. Woman: "Flowers?" Man: "Fresh cut, for her highness." Woman: "No antagonism, not today." He waits a beat. Man: "Sunday?" Woman: "Abortion day." He makes a sour face. Man: "Gross. Why is that any of our business?" Woman: "She wants support in her decision. She wants a family." Man: "Then she should skip the abortion." Woman: "Not a family she has to take care of." Man: "Just people to do things for her?" She nods. Woman: "Precisely."
Lights dim.
Players: WOMAN: talking to her mother on the telephone MAN1: talking to MAN2 MAN2: talking to MAN1
Scene: WOMAN and MAN1 have just broken up. WOMAN is talking to her mother on the phone while MAN1 talks to MAN2. While WOMAN is lit, MAN1 and MAN2 are unlit and frozen and vice versa.
WOMAN is sitting on a couch looking at a photograph while MAN1 and MAN2 are sitting in chairs (presumably in front of a television set. The TV is not necessary, only that MAN1 and MAN2 not be directly facing one another). Each man is holding a bottle or can of beer.
Lights come up on WOMAN.
WOMAN: Mom, what am I going to do? We were together for almost three months! GIRL sobs. He was tall, and strong, and dependable. How am I going to get to my classes...or the store? There's just no point anymore. He was all I had. We went out every weekend, ate dinner together every night; we were always together.
Lights go down on WOMAN and come up on MAN1 and MAN2.
MAN1: ...and when she wanted me to quit smoking, I thought it was only for health reasons. I had no idea how many things were wrong with me!
MAN2: But quitting smoking *has* made you healthier, and you're not with her any more. Don't you have another girlfriend anyway?
MAN1: Yeah, Tami's great. Of course, we've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks. Hopefully she won't find so many things wrong with me.
MAN2: (jokingly) Of course she will. More even!
Lights go down on MAN1 and MAN2 and lights come up on WOMAN.
WOMAN: Yeah, I think I'd like to come home this weekend. Maybe we can go shopping? Or get some ice cream and catch a movie? I just want to feel better.
MAN1: I don't know how you can want to be with her. You saw what she did to me.
MAN2: Whatever, man. I'll cut her loose if she tries to change me, but until then, somebody's better than nobody, you know?
MAN1: You've got that right. Now, if I could just get Tami to quit calling me when she doesn't have anything to say, she'd be perfect.
MAN2: Hey, there's always something to fix, right?
WOMAN: It's just so hard. He quit smoking. I finally convinced him to wear the nice shirts that I bought for him, and I got his annoying friend to quit coming by so much...
WOMAN: ...I was almost done fixing him.
Lights come up on MAN1 and MAN2 as WOMAN says "fixing him."
MAN1: I should be able to fix her in no time.
Lights go down
WOMAN and MAN. Average people in a successful long-term relationship.
two CHAIRs -- The chairs should have flat, square seats, so they can be pushed together to resemble a sofa
a small, low TABLE -- serves as a coffee table
a woman's COAT
a woman's PURSE
a NEWSPAPER
a gunnery TARGET with a nicely clustered set of bullet holes. This may be represented by drawing the shape of a human head and torso on a large sheet of sturdy paper. Color in the head and torso black with a magic marker. Alternatively, make a ringed target. For bullet holes, burn some holes with a cigarette. (Or, if you have trouble with that, message me and I'll mail you a real target.)
WOMAN wears clothing appropriate to a business environment.
MAN has the day off and wears very casual clothing; perhaps even barefoot.
1. INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING FADE IN: The LIVING ROOM is represented by the paired CHAIRS and the TABLE in front of them. The TABLE has a loosely folded NEWSPAPER on top of it, along with the TARGET, which should not be prominent. WOMAN, wearing a COAT and carrying a PURSE, enters from STAGE RIGHT. WOMAN (somewhat harried; calls offstage) Hey, love, I'm home! The WOMAN removes her COAT, puts down her PURSE, and visibly changes gears out of the ratrace, happy to be home. She begins to flip through the NEWSPAPER. The MAN enters from STAGE LEFT. It is his day off, and he is smiling a slight, yet noticeable, post-orgasmic sort of smile. The WOMAN looks up from the NEWSPAPER. She is tired and has not yet categorized the smile. WOMAN Hi, hon! The MAN sits next to the WOMAN and returns her greeting in a soft murmur. (Response may be audibly adlibbed but should be very affectionate.) They kiss. The MAN massages the WOMAN's shoulders. The WOMAN expresses appreciation and the NEWSPAPER is forgotten. WOMAN (luxuriating) Have you enjoyed your day off? MAN (still smiling) Mmmmm-hmmmmm.... How was work? WOMAN Enhhhh...okay, I guess. I missed you when I came home for lunch, though -- where were you? A beat, then the WOMAN processes the weird smile. She cocks an eyebrow at MAN with vague suspicion. WOMAN (confused) What... have you been doing? MAN (grin brightens; rubs the front of his right shoulder during these next lines as though it were sore) Jason and I tried out his brand-new AK-47. He just kept setting me up with more rounds. Man, that thing has a kick like you wouldn't believe! (MAN's voice trails off, happily. It's a guy thing.) The light now dawns for the WOMAN. She rolls her eyes to herself a tetch; perhaps a bit of relief that that's all it was. WOMAN (boys-will-be-boys tone) So, was it good for you? MAN (smile broadens) Ohhh yeahhhh.... The MAN takes the TARGET from the TABLE and proudly displays it to the WOMAN. The WOMAN reacts. WOMAN (relieved, amused, and sardonic all at once) Nice grouping. The MAN beams happily. The WOMAN touches the MAN tauntingly, lightly tracing the MAN's right shoulder (where he had been rubbing earlier) with fingers. The MAN reacts; they embrace and kiss. FADE TO DARK, AS WE HEAR: WOMAN This time, I wanna fire the AK-47. END SCENE
Note: This is a mostly true story. After the writing, I learned that the gun was actually an AR-15, which, with talent, allows far tighter groupings than the AK-47. I left it as an AK-47 in the play, though, since it's a much more widely recognized gun.
PLACE: Indoors.
TIME: The years 1980 and 2005.
CHARACTERS:
Person: An adult man or woman.
Audience: A person representing a young, highly impressionable child. Audience should watch the interchange of other players as if watching television.
Traditional Cookie Monster and Modern Cookie Monster: The cookie monsters can be played by one or two people. If two people are casted, the person playing Modern Cookie Monster should have larger hands than the person playing Traditional Cookie Monster. The players could use food coloring to dye their dominant hands blue if desired, but otherwise, just crouch down (use a barrier if possible) and have at with a sock or your bare hand. They are to be emulating the classic "Cookie Monster" of Sesame Street (tm) fame.
PROPS:
A large COOKIE.
A small ITEM -- a cellphone or pack of matches would do; it is meant to represent a blood sugar testing device.
A CARROT, with greens attached; score it with a sharp knife to make it easy to break up.
1. INT ROOM - DAYTIME
Lights up on PERSON, TRADITIONAL COOKIE MONSTER, and AUDIENCE.
PERSON: I have something for you, Cookie Monster!
TRADITIONAL COOKIE MONSTER (eagerly): Is it coooooo-kies?
PERSON: Yes!
PERSON gives cookie to TRADITIONAL COOKIE MONSTER.
TRADITIONAL COOKIE MONSTER (eating with exuberant abandon; feel free to adlib): Ahhhh!!! Num-num-num-num! COOO-KIE! Me love cooo-kie!
AUDIENCE reacts during this sequence.
LIGHTS down.
LIGHTS up on PERSON, MODERN COOKIE MONSTER, and AUDIENCE. MODERN COOKIE MONSTER isn't well.
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER (heavily): Is it coooooo-kie?
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER: Me no eat that right now. Can you help me test me blood sugar?
AUDIENCE reacts.
PERSON (taken aback): What? Um... sure.
PERSON takes ITEM, presses it against MODERN COOKIE MONSTER's wrist.
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER: Ouch!
PERSON: Sorry. It's (peers at ITEM) a bit high.
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER: Damn. Me feet hurt. Me tired. Me have sores that won't heal.
PERSON: What can I do?
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER: Give me that instead?
PERSON pulls CARROT into view.
PERSON: You mean this?
MODERN COOKIE MONSTER (rousing interest): Now that's what me is talking about. (grows energetic) Arrrrr!!! NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM.....
LIGHTS dim, but do not go out.
AUDIENCE reacts. (Adlib, if anything is said.)
END SCENE
Casting Lots
Cast JESUS, martyred King of the Jews. Three ROMAN SOLDIERS: FLAVIUS, SEXTUS, and LONGINUS.
Props
JESUS stands on the chair, stripped to his underwear, his arms held out in crucifixion pose. He has been there a while, and his head hangs low, muttering to himself.
Three ROMAN SOLDIERS kneel on the ground nearby, throwing DICE. Next to them lies a pile of CLOTHES.
FLAVIUS Yes! First dibs! I claim his shirt.
LONGINUS Really? I'd take the cloak.
Sextus elbows Longinus to keep quiet.
FLAVIUSI think it's a magic shirt.
SEXTUS Get out.
FLAVIUS No, I hear he's supposed to be some kind oflaundry mage. Got stuff whiter than white.Bet you don't even have to wash it.
SEXTUS So he's a magical washerman? That doesn'tsound too bad. What's he up there for?
FLAVIUS Politics, I bet. The bleacher's guildelders couldn't be too happy.
LONGINUS Shame. Listen, why don't we ask him?
The other two make noises of agreement. Longinus stands up, picks up his SPEAR, and walks over to Jesus.
LONGINUS Hey, um, we were wondering about your shirt...
Jesus merely lolls his head a bit.
LONGINUS Hello?
Longinus pokes Jesus in the side with his spear.
JESUS Yeaaaaaaaah!
Longinus jumps back a step.
FLAVIUS I think that was a "yeaaaaaas".
SEXTUS What if he's messing with us?
FLAVIUS Why would he do that?
LONGINUS Well, we put him up there, I bet he's a little ticked.
FLAVIUS Hm. (pause) Well, what if they're magic pants?
A TRAGEDY IN ONE ACT IN ONE MINUTE Based on A True Story
BACKSTORY
Sixty year-old life-long bachelor Johannes Brahms was Hamburg born, but for most of his life had his residence in Vienna. He had a intensly musical and platonically intimate relationship with Robert Schumann's widow, Clara, for 40 years. It was stormy many times in both regards. In 1896 it ended with her death from a stroke. He also lost best friends Theodore Billroth, Hans von Bulow, and Agathe Grimm ne Siebold in the last two years. Brahms' health, following the subsequent events, involving 40 hours of travel, would fatally fail in a year.
CAST:
Stage Directions:
There should be at least two chairs, preferably two pairs or more, in two sections of center stage which will be dark until one of the sections is lighted as needed. One section is seating on a train, the other seating is in the train station.
At RISE:
Spots brighten gradually on one chair (or preferably one group of chairs) stage right. A rotund bearded man (Brahms) walks out of the darkness from stage right, while another man (the conductor) enters the lighted area from stage left.
SCENE 1
CONDUCTOR
Ah, Herr Doktor, here is your seat, are you well?
BRAHMS
Nein! I barely made this train in an hour to take me to Frankfurt. I must go to my lifelong friend Clara Schumann's funeral, of which I only found about in a telegram delayed two days. Of course this necessitates my connecting in Attneng, and since I'm exhausted I'll need you to wake me for that.
CONDUCTOR 1
Ya! Guten nacht. (Clerk exits stage left.)
OFF STAGE VOICES
{Excerpts of Brahm's Lullaby--Cradle Song is heard while the lights fade to black.)
Close your eyes Now and rest May these hours Be blessed
SCENE 2
(Suddenly the spots come back on, revealing a sleeping Brahms who sits up awake.)
Ach! I'm heading the wrong way! I've slept through my connection.
CONDUCTOR 2
This stop Linz! (The lights fade from the train section, and fade in on the other station setting, with Station Clerk present as Brahms moves to it at stage left.)
I must catch the next train to Frankfort!
STATION CLERK 1
The train to Frankfurt does not leave until morning. (Exits stage left.)
(Brahms takes a seat, and bends his head down to his knees.)
OFFSTAGE VOICES
{Excerpts of Brahm's German Requium is heard while the lights fade to black.)
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
SCENE 3
CONDUCTOR 3
(Conductor moves into stage right to where the next train will be leaving.)
All aboard for Frankfurt!
(Again, as the spots come suddenly back on, --both sections-- revealing a sleeping Brahms who sits up awake. He moves to stage right where the lights fade from the station setting and remain on him on the train. He then wearily takes a seat, nodding his head down.)
{Excerpts of Brahm's Four Serious Songs is heard while the lights fade to black.)
Therefore I saw, that there is nothing better, than that man should be happy in his work; for that is his lot. For who shall bring him to that place where he may see what shall come after him?
SCENE 4
CONDUCTOR 4
Frankfurt Station!
(Again, as the spots come suddenly back on, revealing again a sleeping Brahms who sits up awake. He moves to stage left where the lights fade from the train setting and remain on him into the station. The station clerk moves into the section --and the light-- from stage left.)
Mein Gott, man. (Then he mutters aside): --Though I've believed in none but myself. And, Hell is truly real here. (Then outloud): Quick! Call me a coach to get to Frau Clara's funeral.
STATION CLERK 2
Ach der lieber, Herr Doktor, it is in Bonn! You can catch that train, but you will have to travel all day. You will probably be a bit late and raggedy, no?
(Brahms moves stage right, where the lights fade in takes a seat, and kicks back exasperated. Lights fade to black.)
My lieders, my requiems, my robust health, now horrible prophecies. Billroth, Bulow, Agathe, and now Clara gone. Where is He who would comfort as a Mother?
CURTAIN
For Gone in Sixty Seconds 2005 - A Theatre Quest
Note: To get this under a minute, much simultaneous lighting and offstage voices must be done. There should be crisp, fast delivery of the lines as well. Kind of surrealistically moving like a dream that takes a minute to compress hours of time.
humbly submitted to Gone in Sixty Seconds 2005 - A Theatre Quest by WaldemarExkul
Foreword: This sentimental comedy in one very short act is a collage of lines taken from stage directions in various plays by Chekhov, ranging from the very familiar to the downright obscure. (In other words, it consists entirely of material in square brackets; very appropriate for E2 if I say so myself.) These are spoken by three or more performers: a man ("He"), a woman ("She"), and one or more persons ("Off") who make various peculiar noises off from time to time. As they speak their lines, the performers mime the actions described in them, using no props or scenery.
[The title of the play is announced.] He: He is half-lying in a heap on one of the forms, and is quietly playing on a concertina. She: She has unslung a rifle from her shoulders and is putting to rights the buckle on the strap. Off: A shout of Co-ee! in the distance. He: Gets up, confused. She: Does not hear. Off: Shouts of "Yo-ho!" are heard behind the stage. She: Slings the rifle. They go aside and both look round. He: Follows her. Nervous. She: An awkward pause. He: Making haste to use the ensuing pause to advantage. She: Not giving him her hand. He: Tries to kiss her hand. She: Takes her hand away. He: Kisses the cupboard. Off: Looks in at the door and moos. He: Clutches at his heart. She: Hardly able to keep from laughing. He: Takes the pills, turns them out into the palm of his hand, blows on them, puts them into his mouth, and drinks some kvass. She: Covers her face with her hands. Controlling herself. He: Angry but amused. She: Points to her bosom. Laughs. He: Wipes his eyes, smiles. She: Takes out a handkerchief. Wipes his face. He: Confused, afraid to show his pleasure. She: Embraces him. He: Kisses her hands, tenderly. Off: Band plays a flourish. He: Bows in all directions, in great emotion. She: Throws a kiss in the air. Bows. Off: The musicians bow and go away.
[The title of the play is announced.]
He: He is half-lying in a heap on one of the forms, and is quietly playing on a concertina.
She: She has unslung a rifle from her shoulders and is putting to rights the buckle on the strap.
Off: A shout of Co-ee! in the distance.
He: Gets up, confused.
She: Does not hear.
Off: Shouts of "Yo-ho!" are heard behind the stage.
She: Slings the rifle. They go aside and both look round.
He: Follows her. Nervous.
She: An awkward pause.
He: Making haste to use the ensuing pause to advantage.
She: Not giving him her hand.
He: Tries to kiss her hand.
She: Takes her hand away.
He: Kisses the cupboard.
Off: Looks in at the door and moos.
He: Clutches at his heart.
She: Hardly able to keep from laughing.
He: Takes the pills, turns them out into the palm of his hand, blows on them, puts them into his mouth, and drinks some kvass.
She: Covers her face with her hands. Controlling herself.
He: Angry but amused.
She: Points to her bosom. Laughs.
He: Wipes his eyes, smiles.
She: Takes out a handkerchief. Wipes his face.
He: Confused, afraid to show his pleasure.
She: Embraces him.
He: Kisses her hands, tenderly.
Off: Band plays a flourish.
He: Bows in all directions, in great emotion.
She: Throws a kiss in the air. Bows.
Off: The musicians bow and go away.
Afterword: No, the gun does not go off in the third act (nor, for that matter, does the concertina); that's because there is no third act, and also no mantelpiece.
Jeff: You know what Stu? I think I am going to give up dating. Stuart: Why? Jeff: Well, I just can't satisfy women. They say that I see them as objects and only want them for their bodies - and when we do have sex, I just satisfy myself! My last girlfriend said that I didn't call her enough - didn't listen to her enough. Stuart: Well, was she right? Jeff: Yeah... so I am going to be a "nice guy" instead and just be friends with women. It's better for everyone. Stuart: Okay. Jeff: You know, I think I'm going to give up on having opinions too. Everything that is worth thinking of has already been thought - then discussed and written. Look at all the information out there. There is nothing more to add. Stuart: I guess so. Jeff: I think the world would be a better place if everyone quieted down their opinions and just relaxed. Stuart: Okay. Jeff: You know, I think I am going to give up talking, because I realized that most of my talk is just about opinions and women anyway. Stuart: Wait... that sounds like an opinion... Jeff: Yeah, you're right, I guess I should start now. Stuart: Okay... do you want to go get a pint somewhere? (Jeff lifts his right finger and opens his mouth to say something - but remembers he can't. Stuart stands there waiting while Jeff is unresolved but eventually walks away. Jeff, frozen, looks disappointed and confused.)
(Scene: Music is playing. A pretty girl is standing and smiling. A guy confidently walks up to her.)
Guy: Hello, I just wanted to say that you are the most beautiful girl here - wow... Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Thanks (dismissively - Takes Drink) Guy: Are you from Toronto? Girl: Yes. You? Guy: New York City. I'm here on business. Girl: Me too... why did you come over to talk to me? Guy: Blonde hair, straight back and non-stop smiles! Girl: (pause) That's sweet. (pause) Oh no. Guy: Did I do something wrong? (Girl switches from a dismissive tone to a genuine one) Girl: : No... it's you. It's us. What happens if we go out - have everything in common - have incredible, intense sex and I fall in love with you? See, I can't separate sex and love... Guy: It's okay hon... Girl: What if we fight - it ends... and... I go on dating other guys who are nothing compared to you? What if - night after night I dream of us reuniting to have wild sex again? Guy: Well, that doesn't sound too bad... Girl: What if I e-mail you love letters for months and years later and you never respond? What if you call me on a Sunday afternoon to say "I love you"... then you disappear? Guy: But, I'm JUST a guy you met at a bar! Girl: And you JUST want me for my body tonight. Wait. No. That's not it. I'm so confused... Guy: Me too. You can call me. (gives her his card) Girl: I have to go. (they kiss - she walks away)
Professor: I feel like an impostor. Here I am, teaching others when honestly, I don't feel like I have the answers myself. Pretty Girl: I know what you mean. I feel like a fake too. People look at me and think I'm happy all of the time, but I'm not. At all. Actually, I feel empty most days. Doctor: Well, it's the same for me. I see patients every day and tell them with certainty that I can help them. Certainty and authority are important components of bed-side manner - since a large part of healing is psychological. But in truth, medicine has a lot of grey areas, and what we advise is not always certain. Professor: But, clearly the world is better off because of medicine. And you... your looks make the world more beautiful and that's important. I know it makes me happy. Pretty Girl: Thanks... and you help us understand the world... making it more bearable... Professor: Perhaps we should just accept our fate as impostors, and see the world as a stage... Pretty Girl: But who is in the audience?
INT. GARAGE - DAY "FRANKIE" is an older, slightly greying Italian man, who looks like a mobster and has the inflection to back it up. This is because he *is* a mobster. JOEY, an "associate" of his, is a bit more the nervous type, oftentimes citing his lack of experience for his cautious disposition. Both sport Italian accents, but Joey's isn't nearly as obnoxious. Both are sitting around a battered wooden table in a concrete garage with little else in the room, except for a few tools hanging from hooks in the walls. The table looks as if it's been used for activities other than eating from it... small, red splatters verify this claim... What's left of dusk's light streams through the clouded windows of the garage, illuminating JOEY and FRANKIE's faces, casting them in a 'light' of foreboding melancholy. (Obviously for the sake of a single minute play, nothing's really needed- not even chairs or the table. Work with what you have, etc, etc.) JOEY: Man, I-(pauses real real quick) I hope this goes well. FRANKIE: "Well"?? JOEY: Ya..ya know, (stammering, slightly, obviously nervous) as... as planned... FRANKIE: What do you mean you 'hope'? In this business, there ain't no such thing as 'hope'. You *know* this thing going down is going down "well", or you shouldn't be a part of it at all. JOEY: Business? We kill people, Frankie. I don't exactly think we're traded on the 'en-why-es-ee'. FRANKIE: You miss the point, my friend. JOEY: Well, forgive me for trying to conjure up some much needed optimism- FRANKIE (quizzically): Opti-what? JOEY: Optimis- FRANKIE (holds hand up, to stop him): Let's keep it to tree claps JOEY: Three... ...claps? FRANKIE: Yeah, like when you was in grade school... And you had that fat broad who'd stand up front- J (interrupting): The.. teacher? FRANKIE: Yeah!, da teacha. JOEY: (Stammering, very slightly) My... my grade school teacher wasn't fat. FRANKIE: For the sake of dis here an-ec-dote (he claps the syllables to 'an-ec-dote'), she was JOEY: But she *wasn'*- FRANKIE: (punctuated, quickly interrupting) She's fat. She's a broad. (makes vague case-closed hand motion) Leave it. What, you don't remember how she'd clap the words out... She'd clap for each of dhose... whaddaya call 'em... syll... JOEY: Syllables? FRANKIE: (claps again to:)Sizz-a-bles, yeh. So when I say keep it to tree claps, don't go usin your words with the four claps, ya follow? JOEY: Sure, I get it. Three claps.
Dramatis Personae A man. A woman. A wait person. Another woman.
INT. A DINER
A woman is seated alone at a table. A man is seated alone at another table nearby. They ignore each other. A wait person stands to one side.
The man surreptitiously takes a small ring box from his pocket, opens it to check that he has the ring inside, and then pockets it.
Another woman enters. She proceeds to the man's table and sits down. The wait person offers her a menu.
WOMAN: (impatient) No. I'll only be here a minute.
She waves the wait person away. Exuent wait person.
MAN: Honey...
WOMAN: Just shut up and listen.
She pulls out a check list or Palm Pilot and begins ticking items off as she reads each bullet.
WOMAN: OK. I changed the locks this morning. You can throw out your key. My service is now blocking your phone calls. I dropped your spare clothes at the Goodwill on the way here.
She hands him something.
WOMAN: ... and here's your toothbrush. (laughs cruelly)I, uhm, wouldn't use it.
MAN: But ...
WOMAN: (emphatic) No buts! You're shallow. You don't communicate. You're never spontaneous. And you can't commit.
MAN: Look ...
WOMAN: (angry) We're over, mister! Don't call, don't visit, don't bug my friends.
She stand up and leaves. He sags back in the chair and exhales noisily. The woman at the next table turns toward him.
OTHER WOMAN: Wow.
MAN: Yeah.
He gets out of the chair and goes to one knee in front of her.
MAN: Will you marry me?
CURTAIN.
Jeremy: Fascinating. and you are?
Harry: Jeremy.
Jeremy: Harry.
They shake hands.
Harry: Nice to meet you.
Jeremy: Likewise. You were saying?
Harry: On this website, they asked us to write a play that can be executed in 60 seconds. (To audience) Of course, by "US" I mean the author of the play. He should have referred to himself in the 3rd person, but hey, he wrote the play and I just say what he tells me to. By the way, I'm a cross-dressing pansy.
Jeremy looks at Harry in disbelief for a second and then makes a 'please continue' motion with his hand.
Jeremy: Moving swiftly forward.....
Harry: (To Jeremy): Anyway.... this guy who calls himself Footprints wrote this play just to advertise a story of his called Lesbian Robot Vampires : The Case of the Radioactive Cat.
Jeremy: What do you mean "THIS PLAY?!" We're just actors in a play?
Harry: Yup.
Jeremy: But I can't act!
Harry: I noticed.
Jeremy: Bloody hell. And we're just here to advertise that story to this audience?
Harry: Actually, I think he just wrote this just for the people who read it on the website.
Jeremy: So he never actually meant for this play to be acted out?
Harry: I don't think so.
Jeremy: Bloody hell.
Jeremy shakes his head in disbelief and they begin to walk offstage.
Jeremy: (Mutters) Bastard!
Exeunt, chased by a pack of rabid werewolves
Harry returns
Harry: (To audience) Seriously though - go read it.
Exit, chased by his own ghost
Of course, the above play will most likely not be acted out as it incorporates E2 prominently. Therefore I have written another play which, although it has fewer layers, still brings home the point of the actor acting in a play in which he doesn't know that he is acting. And it's still all about the layers. And a bit about the lasers. But mostly about the layers.
Hector: Yo, Victor, check this out.
Victor: What is it?
Hector shows the script to Victor, and they both look at it.
Hector: It's a script for one of the plays today.
Victor: Is it any good?
Hector: I don't know. Do you want to read a bit?
Victor: Sure. Let's see - You read Hector and I'll read Victor.
Hector: Okay. You stay there. I have to enter from the right.
Hector goes off stage (to the right) and comes back on.
Victor looks up at Hector.
Victor: Is that it?
Hector: No, there's a bit more over the page.
Hector flips over the page.
Hector: That's it.
Victor: It's not very good.
Hector: Maybe you just don't get it. Maybe if the actors are really good, it'll be a really good play.
Victor: What, with an ending like that? No self-respecting actor will ever act in that play.
Hector looks up from the script
Victor: What, with an ending like this? No self-respecting actor will ever... aw crap.
Curtain falls
SON: Well you see, one day Pa got a bug in his butt that he was "gonna go shoot hisself a 'bar". So he went out and bought a "'bar shootin' gun n' some 'bar shootin' duds n' some 'bar shootin' bullets with the big tips to be sure to turn that 'bar inside out".
SON: So Pa and his friend went out into the woods. They were out there one hour...
SON: Two hours...
SON: They "wuz out thar a looooong time!" So finally Pa gets the idea to stand up on a tree stump "so's he could get a better look around."
SON: Just then, some black bear decided that Pa had gotten just close enough to her cubs, and came out of the woods right behind Pa. BEAR: ROAR! SON: Well, Pa spun around and emptied eight rounds of "punkin' shot" into that "'bar" as fast as he could!
SON: Pa insisted he had killed a bear, but was never sure because it ran into the bush. Turns out, Pa's friend told me the same story a few years later...
SON: You see, once that bear roared... BEAR: ROAR! (FATHER spins around with a face of total terror.) SON: Pa spun around like he had never spun around before and proceeded to pump the shotgun eight times as fast as he could (The action is still in slow motion, played for laughs.), but never firing a single shot! Well, it was hard to tell who was more terrified: the bear or Pa.
SON: That was how I knew I was finally becoming one of the guys. Dad's friends were telling me that he was in fact capable of making a fool of himself... and Dad would only smile whenever I asked him to tell me the story again.
