| My god!
I walked into your apartment thinking you were a nice, sensible guy. You talked, you paid for my latte, you made me laugh, and on top of it, you are gorgeous! Now I'm standing in your bedroom. While you're freshening up in the bathroom I gaze stunned into a box full of cock rings. Big ones, little ones, plastic ones, home-made ones, ones you made in wood shop in 7th grade...
Now we're about to go out to a movie. I sure hope it doesn't have anything to do with marriage in it, because if that groom puts the ring on the bride, I will either laugh or scream. My God, Billy. How many cock rings do you need?!
Big ones, little ones, chocolate ones, plastic ones! Oh my god. Dr. Seuss would have written a book about this entitled 'Silly Billy And His Ring Thing'.
We're now sitting in a restaurant, chatting it up over appetizers. I, of course, order onion rings. I've never been much of a cock ring fanatic but now find myself unable to get you and your damn sex toys out of my head!
Oh, great. "I'm going to Salt Lake for the 2002 Olympics," you say. "Hold on, my cell phone's ringing."
You're still a nice, sensible guy. However, your cock ring collection disturbs me. There's something unnerving about seeing a man wearing one of the things. "Um, it's going to explode," I would say. "Didn't the ancient Romans do that to their slaves?"
You're still on your phone conversation. "Don't just circle around the issue," you bark at your business associate. "We need a firm, long lasting grip on this market! If we go limp on this one, they will surely fuck us as long and hard as they can before finally choking us to death. We must grab the bull by the horns and establish stamina and staying power!"
I SCREAM.
The whole restaurant is now looking at me. All is silent, except for a couple plates one of the wait staff drops on the floor.
"Hang on," you say. "137."
"137?"
"I know what you're thinking... about the cock rings."
No shit, Sherlock. "W-w-well, it's interesting, really..."
"Did you see the cloisonne one?"
"Whoa.. No.."
"Or the one that's a lilliputian tambourine?"
"No way!"
"Well, shit."
I look deep into your eyes. 'Close To You' starts playing in the background.
"The other kids played with TransFormers or Barbies. I had cock rings. The only one I'm missing is a rare Balinese ring fashioned out of.."
"...Jade and tiger eye!" we exclaimed in unison.
When I was a tyke, I went on a 10-week safari with my parents. One of the natives handed me a weird ring. I held onto it all this time. Now I know why! Legend has it that this ring will yield good fortune and true love.
Tearfully, you say: "You... complete.... my cock ring collection..."
Aaa-A-AAahhhh, close to you.... | 
