How to Wash a Cat

When I was very young I used to wash our cat, because no one told me not to. For those out there who get the notion, this is how it's done:

1. Fill the kitchen sink with warm water.
2. Grab your cat upside down by his or her legs, front paws in one hand, back paws in the other. I always made sure my right arm, the strongest of the two, was holding the back legs since a cat can kick quite forcefully.
3. With soothing words, dip the cat in the water as far as you dare. Your hands are full and you can't rub the water in, so just let the nice warm water soak into his fur, . Hold on tight because he is not going to be very happy.
4. Pull the cat out and put him right side up by twisting your arms and lifting the front paws over the back till he's right side up.
5. Keep the cat in place with a firm hand on his back while you drizzle some pet soap into the fur. Scrub with one hand. At this stage some cats will stay, others have to be held against your body. An apron would be handy.
6. Once again grab the kitty, two legs in each hand, and dip repeatedly into the water to wash the soap off.
7. Towel off and you are done!

The technique is easy. You won't get scratched, and believe me, the cat will be okay. This procedure will come in handy if your cat happens to:

• Tango with a skunk
• Rummage through stinky trash, animal remains, etc.
• Have fleas
• Have a bored owner

Here's a tip: Cats can be blowdried. PETA members, please don't kill me, but it's true. Once you blowdry the cat's face, he will settle down and actually enjoy the warm air on the rest of his body, because cats are like that.