Indigenous peoples of downtown Wal-Mart

While many subcultures exist, the indigenous peoples of downtown Wal*Mart can be categorized into two major tribes. The larger, the N'kie (pronounced neh-KEE), are more technologically advanced, exhibiting a mastery of disposable cameras and portable radios. The smaller, the Kobere (pronounced ko-BEH-ray), place a greater emphasis on culture, owing no doubt to the friendlier tropical climate (near the central heating system).

The two tribes have differing manners of dress. The N'kie choose clothing primarily based on function, opting for the solid-colored cotton T's on sale this week (3 for $9.99!!!) over the flashy prints the Kobere favor. The Kobere adorn themselves with clip-on earrings, sometimes as many as three on one ear, and derive social benefit out of the creation of colored paper-clip necklaces and bracelets. Both tribes prefer to be fully clothed at all times, usually owing to the 24-hour surveillance hidden cameras and a sense of modesty.

Interestingly enough, both tribes have deified the black nodules which contain the cameras. The Kobere speak of the nodules as "Ta kimo-nesk da Mirobah," translated, "The black eyes of The Armed One." The N'kie refer to the same nodules as "Sa Mitoban la vu nesk'm," translating to "The Silent One's hidden black eye," suggesting, perhaps, a common origin linguistically and culturally somewhere in the two tribe's history.

In terms of everyday life, the two tribes differ considerably in approach. The N'kie tend to be adventurous, having explored as far as the freezer aisle, bringing back exotic treats such as Snickers ice cream bars which supplement the regular N'kie diet of chips and salsa. They have also forrayed as far as checkstand 1, where the "God of the red flashing lights" prevents them from leaving, due to the metallic strips in their shirts. Since they mainly inhabit the harsh terrain of the soap and detergent aisle, this exploration is necessary for their survival.

The Kobere, in contrast, spend much of their day lounging in the folding chairs of the outdoor section, enjoying a good laugh over lemonade, Spam, and bread while drawing pictures with Bic ballpoints, which they harvest in 10-packs. Since food is plentiful and nearby, there is little incentive for the Kobere to migrate, though Kobere myth does speak of one hero, "Wiiliam," who wandered off beyond the candy bars and was never heard from again; it has been supposed this myth hearkens back to the common ancestry of the two tribes.

Relations between the tribes is peaceful but limited generally to the exchange of natural resources found in one another's territories. Commonly, the Kobere supply water in return for soap and salty snack foods of the N'kie. Myths in both tribes speak of great wars with another force; although it is unclear whether such myths implicate the other tribe, or the force of Wal*Mart employees and shoppers that constantly invade their territory.

Understandably, both tribes are incredibly agile and nimble, allowing them to hide from those the tribes both call "the Blue-coats." They tend toward nocturnal patterns, though there is little distinction between night and day in downtown Wal*Mart. Seasonal changes are recognized most noticeably in a change of diet; for example, the Kobere enjoy the late-January, early-February blooming of candy hearts, and a festival of pink and red roses usually accompanies that blooming.

Further research needs to be done to evaluate the effects of piped music on these peoples; further, it is currently unknown what effect a 10% increase in periodical volume has had on the tribes, which both share the magazine aisle.