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JeffMagnus node count: 3841 (5 new since July 14, 2000) JeffMagnus experience: 7367 (104 more since July 14, 2000) JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.918 XP per node JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.630% JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War
There's been a storm most of the morning, so I went outside. The lightning was like varicose veins in the sky
(If that's not the worst simile you've ever heard, I'd like to know what is)
Earlier it was shooting down from the sky like normal but then it began to flicker and snake parallel in small, random areas. Anyway.
My car stereo still doesn't work, and I've spent a lot of time driving my car around lately, so I keep trying to think of entire songs but usually fail miserably. Why don't I know any complete songs? There always seems to be one stanza that's missing, so I keep repeating the same one or two stanzas like I'm rainman. Maybe I'm just tired.
Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow
11:40 BST
2 anonymous phonecalls already! Maybe I should feel grateful that someone is taking the time to hassle me. If I report this, I wonder if BT and the police will laugh at me because I'm a guy?
This is going to be a hard day. My Withdrawal has crept up on me and wrestled me down. Recovering from painkiller abuse is not nice in any way.
16:40 BST
Feeling better. It's funny how washing and dressing properly can restore a sense of well being. One day I shall node IRC as therapy to try and explain my thoughts.
Outside, my grass has grown to monumental proportions. I wish this crap British Weather would get better; I want to undertake a medium effort garden project sometime soon.
Decision for the day: Should I get a coldframe, spend more money on larger plants or put new fencing up?
22:20 BST
Hmm, Flight of the Navigator was on scifi channel; that is such a cool film!
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Server time: 13:17 Sat Jul 15 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000
* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7
They will be arriving from Italy within a hour or two. I will then be relived of my present duties and will be able to leave for a late night mission in the inner city. This will most possibly be a success, but I won't know how much of a success until tomorrow.
I was 22 years old yesterday, today I am 23. One year closer to death. My major experiences during the age of 22:
Mary Shelley finished Frankenstein at the age of 19. This has haunted me since the age of 20, and yet it is an inspiration: I am old enough to do what might define me as a historical person, but I am also afraid that time is running out.
I will spend tomorrow defining goals for my next year, but so far this is the plan:
It seems to be raining in the world of Everythingians all over the globe. I am no exception. It's been drizzling all day, at some points raining while it's sunny - someone told me yesterday that this means the devil is fighting with his wife. They didn't know the root of this old wives tale, but I don't really mind.
Today, the rain could cause me some real problems. I'm having a barbecue tonight. I do not desire barbecuing in the rain.
But I guess I don't really care about the rain that much.
I'm moving out in a couple of weeks to a place I've never seen, right across the country, so this will probably be the last time I see alot of these people. I guess the big change has made me want to tie up any loose ends before I go. I've been diddling around my house all day but haven't really done anything besides clean and shower. My parties are always a surprise in terms of who comes. There's always more than I expect.
I even invited an old ex that I haven't seen for over a year.
Of course, no one is here yet. I'm not sure what to do with myself - or whether I want people to start coming over yet. I'm restless, but if anyone comes over I'll have to entertain them. I don't think I need that quite yet.
Had two friends from home come to visit me yesterday. My friend Dennis and my ex, George. Weirdness abounded ...
George and I broke up almost two years ago, but we were stupid and didn't really, exactly "break up". We were moving to opposite sides of the United States (Maryland and Washington) and neither one of us was really into a long distance relationship. So, we said we'd see what happens when we were both back for Christmas break.
The last real conversation that I had with him was the night before he left for college. Almost two years ago.
I loved him. I loved him a lot and he was my first real love. It wasn't easy to kind of give up the way we did. I guess that I sometimes still wonder if we could have made it. Probably not.
But I missed him. I missed talking to him, having real conversations about things that we both cared about. He was my intellectual equal, my friend before he was ever my boyfriend.
When they came, I was worried he would ... well, be the way he has been for the last two years. That he would make sure not to sit next to me, so that I wouldn't think he was leading me on. Not have any real conversations, nothing personal with me, and just talk about getting drunk and stupid shit that he'd done.
We had real talks. He finally told me about the girlfriend that he started dating a couple of months after we broke up. He's never even said her name in front of me. I saw pictures of Monica and he told me how much he loved her.
And I was happy for him. Really happy for him.
I can't say that I don't still love him. I don't think you ever get over your first love completely. But I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm just glad to have my friend back.
There was a strange dynamic between them - they were boyfriend/girlfriend with an open relationship, and one of Alyissa's flings was at the con. As far as I could tell, Ben didn't pursue other women. Ouch. You imagine the toxicity of such, I'll pass. His lack of reaction towards Alyissa's flirting with other men surprised me, but I imagine he's had practice. She does seem to care for him though... Perhaps a good personal warning for future relationships, but on the other hand women want me when I'm taken. They were pleasant enough, tho the oil-water friend problem was there in slight amounts.
We took the subway to the con's hotel - making me one of the few people ever to be helped by the Los Angeles subway system. Entrance was expensive and they forced us to put our real names on the tags. On the other hand, I snagged some coloring pictures - super-deformed Mothra's too kawaii. After meeting up with Branden, we somehow ended up at The Evolution of Godzilla - an hour-long lecture on the different suits used throughout his film career. The sociological lessons taught by the fans' obsessive interest paid to the number of toes in each movie was more interesting than the lecture, and I ended up falling asleep and waking near the end. As could be expected, the majority of G-fans were male. Many were young, and some tolerant-faced parents were in tow. The discussion about which suit was best was great, seeing Japanese phrases being casually tossed between portly 40 year olds and hyperactive preteens. On the whole they seemed very balanced for fans, especially when I compare it to a friend's horror story about anime otaku at a con. Brr.
Food was procured from Hamburger Hamlet, and non-LA people gawked at the stars in the sidewalk while LA people tried not to look embarrassed. The billboard of Angelyne was of course a hit.
We returned to the con for an interview with the director of the Gamera movies. Painful - by the time the long questions were asked, translated into Japanese, answered, and translated back into poor English, we had forgotten the question, making the hard to hear answer an exercise in surrealism. We gave up and fled to the movie room, where Cowboy Bebop was playing in defiance of the schedule. Everyone enjoyed it, and I was reminded of why Yoko Kanno is a musical god.
We once again fled the con to find birthday gifts at a film book store, revealing much fun on the way. There was a Scientology business with staffers asking people if they wanted a personality and IQ test. Mocking ensued, and I took off running screaming "Xenu!" at the top of my lungs. Austen hit me in the arm, asking me if I wanted to be shot by a crazy Scientologist. The assorted Asian tourists, leather-clad clubsters and FUBU funders were amused and amused me in return. The film store surprised me with its academic essays on sadomasochistic erotic horror movies, bad '80s TV show books and John Wayne paper dolls. If it exists, someone's written crap about it.
Present in tow, we returned for the video contest. The first was stop-action and pretty long. The second was by Evan, a friend of Austen's friends and one of the few there I'd call a monster otaku. Slightly obsessive behavior and strange social skills, a slight lack of personal hygiene... It was his dream about Giant Japanese Monster University, with Ben, Alyissa and others playing students. Strange. Then there was a hellishly complicated CG sequence. The last one was an amateur movie of Godzilla duking it out, rubbery suits, exploding buildings and everything. The winner was a claymation titled "Destroy All Annoyances", featuring Godzilla crushing Teletubbies, Pikachu, and Barney. Cute, but it fails the art test - who's going to like it in 10 years? Pah. This was followed by the costume contest - only three contestants, but the two serious ones were amazingly detailed.
By that time the others were pretty sick of Godzilla. The day was ended by a run at the dealers upstairs. X-Files posters for the girls, only Masamune Shirow posters for me, since the booth with awesome Giant Robot T-shirts didn't take cards. And so was the convention - we missed out on all the films at the nearby theater. I'll live.
The rain started not too late in the evening, as i was making a dinner for myself. I was thinking of a movie i had to rent (recommended by P_I) and walking in the rain to get it, and also of my ex-boyfriend, who was probably lonelier than i, and whose happiness was always so fragile and distant, but moreso now. I wanted to call, but knew there would be nothing to say, and my voice would turn hard too quickly. It's not something i can control, anymore. It's part of my new urge for self-preservation. But: he called me. And i was glad to hear him.
Except - that everything was terrible. The problems were far too big for me to solve, and they were/were not my fault. The void that held him reached out and threatened me over the phone. I could hear the city streets below him, and music coming from the windows, and the tears. I turned up the volume to hear what he was saying, and the cacophony only became more intrusive.
When i hung up, i was tight with tears and wanted to hurt something. How unfair that this life, this disease should happen to someone so beautiful. How unfair that his gifts are held back from the world. I can only hope that my desperate resolve will trigger him to help himself. How unfair, how unfair. Maybe there is no reason at all. Maybe there is only will.
I call a precious friend and discuss, try to process what has been said tonight. Inbetween my brother calls and i tell him i will call back. He's all alone at his house, and undoubtedly lonely himself.
When i hang up, i decide to go find that movie. Ought to be nothing like a good eastern european flick to assuage my angst! It's pouring outside, and my concession to the weather is a baseball cap, so i don't have to squint. The guys at the video store remember my name, though i haven't rented there since well before Dan left, and ask how i've been. The movie i'm looking for is there, but someone else has rented it. Oh well.
On the way home, as i get nearer to the underpass where the train tracks go over the road (like a string holding down Northampton, which is a flighty town), i see something small running across the sidewalk. Under the bridge, there is a stone wall on one side, and a three-foot drop to the street on the other ... and a small animal scurrying across, lost, scared. I run to see.. it doesn't look like a mouse. It's a mole, with nowhere to dig.
As i come near it, it runs to the curb, and i lose sight of it. I look over the railing and see it fighting the river that is running along the street below. There's no diggable earth for a long way, and it's almost over its head. So i swing down to the street, and give it something to crawl into, in the form of my hat. Then i close up the hat-bundle, feeling the frantic oh-no! that was a mistake! struggle from inside, and go to look for any kind of unpaved turf.
When I emerge from the alley, my hat in my hand and a smile on my face, soaking, the guy passing gives me a strange look. And yeah- how could i explain? My best part of today has been the rescue of a mole from the street.
There might be something to be said at this point for simple pleasures. Or simple minds. I really enjoyed being wet and walking, a wet, recently-vacated hat on my head; and when i called my brother back in California, he listened to the sound of the downpour in envy.
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