Never rely on an Artificial Intelligence to save you from fiery death

It occurs, upon ponderance, that in the event of a sudden domestic blaze the more alternative-thinking may decide not to call the emergency services and instead opt for a more unorthodox approach. In this situation, it is very easy to think of the best people to call; a neighbour for instance, whose instinct for preserving their own property (if nothing else) will exhort them to surprising extents of kindness and heroism. However, for completeness, there must be an opposite end of the scale; people so inherently unhelpful that to call them would not only effect no positive cause but actually cause your survival chances to go down. The local arsonist springs to mind, or perhaps the butcher. Neither would be of much use. However, upon reflection, the worst possible course of action (other than navigating an insurance company automated phone system, but we restrict ourselves to earthly perils) must surely be to log onto the internet (not AOL, for aforementioned reason) and attempt to elicit assistance from an Eliza program.

Such a primitive AI would likely find great difficulty in comprehending the mortal peril in which you are enmired, particularly as one of the imposed criteria for intelligence is fear (or at least comprehension) of death. In order to better illustrate the futility of this course of action, the conversation below represents a simulated plea to such a virtual avatar. May this discourage any careless reader from choosing their saviour so hastily.