I am stuck in some kind of alternate reality that I don't think exists...but I don't think it's a bad thing.
I have been in college nearly two months, enrolled at stem cell research capital, University of Wisconsin-Madison. It is a good school...and there are lots of people here, my classes are challenging and interesting for the most part(you can only expect some much from chemistry:). I have already developed a medium sized group of fairly close friends. I am happy. Ecsatically happy...at least 90% of the time. Nothing in the world is wrong.
Except me. I do not feel real. I am floating around in a state of summer camp-iness where friday is going to come and all the fun will be over. Except that it won't. This is my life. And damn if I am not confused and worried about some unforseen pitfall. Isn't there a rule about not being to happy? Aren't I supposed to have at least a minimal faction of grief in my life?
I should say that I do have some grief factor in my life. The horrific destruction of the World Trade Center was certainly very morally shaking, I miss my family, I miss certainty(at least a little), and I have boy problems/internal conflicts with a few friends and associates who went to high school with me and also go here. The latter are by far the most disconcerting... but funny thing is, I will get very upset about it for a matter of 10 minutes...and then the problem just.... goes. It doesn't matter.
Is this normal? Am I a freak? I remember a time in my life when people used to constantly ask me why I was always happy and I never had a reason... then bad stuff happened and I wasn't happy anymore. Senior year of high school was by far the worst...I was miserable all year and nothing made any difference. Have I merely reverted to my former self without realizing it? Is it such an astouding difference that I feel perma-high all the time and outside of my normal personality self range?
I am Dagny Taggart being brought into Atlantis.
I am confused...but it is a good thing.
Have a wonderful day whomever you are that is reading this node. This is my attempt to share my happiness with you. I wish everyone could feel like this with me.
Sigh.. Another day, a day where I stayed up late and slept halfway through the afternoon, a day where I shared some of the most enjoyable /msgs,, then hid under the bedding in the warmth and comfort, and slept. A day where I was able to be antisocial, yet still spend plenty of time on Everything. In general, a very enjoyable day, but from the relaxing, tomorrow will be stressful. Sigh.
Still no class tomorrow, so there is enough time to study for class Wednesday and the test on Thursday, especially if I get up before noon. Sleeping more would be nice, really nice, but if I do not get up reasonably early, I will not get much done.
Tomorrow will be a day of stress. Much studying to do, much to learn, but also, tomorrow is the day that all the auctions I am currently running on ebay end. There have been bids on three of the books, cheap ones, and nothing more than that. I have never sunk this type of money into books before, and I would like to think that I can get it back. The guy at the bookstore was kind enough to offer to let me return the most expensive one, but I feel embarrassed to do that. And I like the books. Sigh. Will all be over tomorrow afternoon or evening - then I will know whether my worries are for any good reason or whether I am being unreasonable. I sincerely hope that I am just worrying too much.
Trying to figure out what to think about A. She is, in some ways, such a nice girl. She likes me, is smart, attractive, reasonably close to my height, generally a good person. She is even a student at Hiram College. A. is the first woman I have found in about...forever who likes me and who lives within a reasonable distance. (Too many women that like me, and that I like, live on the opposite side of the country, or worse.) As is life, there are problems (mine).
She disagrees with the way I express my political opinions. She thinks I should not be so vocal in regards to my opposition of the war, the death penalty, and other things. She thinks I should not go to war protests. She think that I should not go to the School of the Americas protest in November. She certainly has the right to this opinion, however much I may disagree. It is clear that we cannot get along, because of these things - it should not even be an issue. But it still hurts.
It hurts because I have not found a woman like this in four years, it seems as though I may not find one similar for another four. She likes me, and probably would date me, if not for my principles getting in the way. Why, then, could I not date her and continue to behave as I have? Because she cannot accept that. She cannot accept that I am who I am. And I am unwilling to change.
I'm trying to do this essay but I'm on e2 instead, it is hard to concentrate in my university's library because there are constant disruptions. Firstly there was a group of mentally disabled people who have come in to borrow videos, their supervisor is suggesting movies such as 'The Matrix' and one of the disabled people ask what that is about and who is in it, the supervisor says 'Keanu Reeves' however he pronounces Keanu wrong and goes on to say that Keanu is a action type man. The disabled guy isn't too sure, the supervisor continues to suggest all the movies that are on the shelf and he mentions 'Mrs Doubtfire', the disabled guy starts jumping and screaming 'I want that, I want that, I was looking for that' the supervisor gives it to him and the guy holds onto it for dear life.
Now it's the second disabled person's turn to pick a video, he is not so easily satisfied, he asked if there was any 'Elvis Presley' but there wasn't, finally after searching through nearly every video, he starts again from the beginning and picks 'Albert and Costello'. After they leave I'm left to quietness again until a group of developers come in and start talking amongst themselves about plans to break down that wall and put these entrances and have space over there for this and that.
They leave...
Ahh finally peace and quite again...
Another guy enters the study room ...
He sits down..
Seems harmless, not noisy or disruptive... I go back to the essay writing...
There is a flicking of something type of sound
The guy is flicking his pen through his fingers, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY fast! So that it sounds like a constant ticking noise!
* sigh * the most littlest things annoy me
Bah! I have a headache :0(
Now, enough about the stuff on the radio about American Civil Liberties jeopardized by an indefinitely long War On Terror. And enough about Prophet Stair's chastizing folks who is whinging about not being accepted to live on his "Farm," and forget going into detail about even Jack Hayford (who was Pat Boone's Pastor of the Four Square Church on the Way in LA --nice little rhyme--.) ({Of whose denomination I once attended -- in fact baptised in} it was in this crooner's swimming pool that Bob Dylan was baptised) who is talking about water baptism, and the Lordship of Jesus (in addition to Savior)...
Instead I have an anecdote (told by a co-worker when comparing our 40 some-odd year ago summers.)
The Epic of the AC from NC
Charlie remembered it was especially hot and sticky in Greenville, North Carolina in the summers. And, yes, parents would not spend money on Air Conditioning in the 1950's and '60's. I agreed, I was lucky to have a fan, and you were still covered with the warm dew blown in during the night (and I had to get up early for my paper route.)
Well, it seems Charlie saw the sale down at the appliance store, and they had a special on window air conditioners. He got a summer job and saved his money, and told his pa: "I saved up to buy me an air conditioner for my room..."
"Oh, no you can't," replied the father, "You know how much the electric'l cost!"
Well, not to be daunted, Charlie worked a little harder, and a little longer that summer, and finally came to his dad with: "I'll pay my share of the utility, can I buy my own cooling for my room?"
So, that was the right combination. He bought his marvelous device home and it had his room an Antarctic-like Haven....which actually it became; as the whole family would come in there for refuge from the sauna outside.
Now, maybe you are thinking what I started to at this point of the tale, where's the justice?
Act II
"I charged my family for the share of the electricity they enjoyed," was the anticipated, but maybe not expected reply to my mental inquiry. "That was a great unit, it worked for years, I even took it with me when I married and went to Maryland. I had it for my first apartment there."
finis
I waited patiently for the denoument of this odyssey, and was not disappointed when I learned, "But, when we put it up in the window, it wasn't braced right, and it fell... ."
Of course I had to know if this amazing work of ancient/modern technology survived such a Humpty Dumpty event, and alas, "No, we were three floors up, and that was the end of it's useful life."
I laughed, and said, "What a great ending to that story!"
-make peanut butter sandiwches with at midnight -crawl into bed with in the late afternoon just to sleep -laugh at stupid magazine articles with -look pretty for -walk to class with -call from a payphone just to see how his day went -write a letter to, snail mail style, -not study with -eat gummy bears with -think about instead of falling asleep in lecture -call me. I never get phone calls -email me. I never get emails either -buy me a flower. Just one -think my affinity for math is, cute -make me tea when I'm sick, because he is not afraid -think I'm beautiful. Even when I'm screaming at him -never make me want to scream at him -snuggle with on a rainy morning. We have alot of those here -be the first thing I smell when I wake up. He has to smell good! -be the last thing I touch when I fall asleep -not ditch class to hang out with me. School is more important -want to read my online journal. Every single entry. -is ok with me being crazy
The list is endless, but I dont want to take up the entire E2 database so I'm going to stop now. I miss...
The thing about it being my birthday is that I was rather required to drink a little last night. After about 7 pints I was a bit tipsy, and got to singing quite rowdily with Simon, my roommate. I assume that I then must have intended to go to bed. That's where the memory stops.
At about 6.30 I got into a shoving match with the person next to me in the bed. What? Why's someone in my bed? Er... um... This isn't my bed. Excuse me.
The fact that I woke up sharing a bed with a first year was a little disturbing both to me and the guy whose bed it was. I don't know how I got there. I have been assured that I just walked in at about 2 am and climbed into bed. The guy was too scared to kick me out! But I don't believe it. I must have been carried... or something.
The day started a bit less normally than I would have liked and got odder. Before breakfast (yes, someone had to try very hard to waken me from my own bed) I went to the school theater and watched The Wizard of Oz with pedrolio and some other non-noders. Not only our eyes were bombarded with splendour in this operation, but also our ears, as we played Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon AT THE SAME TIME!!! Apart from a few bits, the synchronicity was amazing. Obviously, it isn't coincidence.
The day has been getting better but I am still waiting for my headache to wear off and for someone to jump out and say it was all a joke... or a bad dream...
Today was another boring day of being a substitute teacher.... At least it was a school and a class I know, there's nothing like walking into a class and not knowing where the stupid teacher keeps all of his/her crap. Of course we know that students are responsible and will keep everything that is handed to them.
I hate the teacher that helps out with the "special needs students... They get out of everything, in fact most of them use it as an excuse for doing nothing all hour. "I'm with Mrs. Lund (the special needs teacher) so I will do it all with her." You mean, she will do everything for them cause these kids are different. They have 504 plans and IEP's that you have to follow and a whole bunch of crap. Man if I was a student again, I would be a 504, get out of a lot of work.... Well back to study hall, I mean class
Why am I so tired?? Because I was up half the night reading and thinking about Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel, an absolutely fascinating book about human society and why history happened as it did. The premise of the book is explaining how and why European people expanded and conquered so much of the world, instead of it being the other way around. An example he gives of this is: Why did the Spaniards go to Mesoamerica and conquer the Aztecs, and why did the Aztecs not go to Spain and conquer the Spaniards?
The simple answer is, of course, that the Spaniards had steel swords, guns, and germs which decimated the Mesoamerican peoples. But why did the Spaniards have these, and why did the Aztecs not have them? Diamond answers the question with a reasoned and factual, step-by-step breakdown of the factors which lead to Europeans developing guns, germs, and steel, while barring other races from the same advancements. He debunks the popular myth of underlying genetic racial differences, and shows (at least in my mind) that the limiting factors were mainly geography and climate.
The beautiful thing about this book is that as I finish each chapter and read his conclusions, I immediately think "Well of course, that's obviously the reason." And then I have to make myself remember that at the start of the chapter, the point was not at all clear or obvious. It's truly a testament to Diamond's amazing explanatory ability and his well reasoned and supported thesis.
I'm halfway through the book now, and I'll probably be up again for half of tonight reading this wonderful tome of knowledge. Unless the second half is a rant about the price of lunchroom cookies by an 8 year old, this is about to become one of my favorite books, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone with even the slightest interest in history. I mean, not only do I waste half of my sleep time reading it, I waste time here at work writing about reading it (I figure this daylog is worth about $50 in company time).
Sadly (but blissfully so), this is the only thing going on in my life right now.
That is how today feels. My roomate is out of town and I am here taking care of the house and the animals. With a cold and a TV that doesn't work when it rains. And it's raining.
Nothing tastes good, nothing smells right and my energy level, never particularly good, is now zero. I am getting to know my couch quite well. The air smells stale and the music on the radio is scratchy and unclear. The newspaper is full of terror stories and I don't see any movie I want to go see. I've got a bad taste in my mouth I want to get rid of, but can't. Yet. I need some Captain Crunch. Or something.
Today is my birthay.
Today is my first time writing here.
Today is mild and sunny, warm and refreshing.
Today is like any other day except that even though I am in this beautiful, wonderful place, I am wishing I was with you.When I blow out my candles I will be thinking of you and what you may be doing at that exact moment. Luckily i know that you are probably thinking of me as well. I couldnt bear it any other way.
I don't know exactly where I expected to be at this point in my life. All I do know, is that it wasn't here. It wasn't this. Yet, it's okay. I'm not as dissapointed as I am ...well...surprised, I suppose. I feel my head swimming with emotion. It makes me dizzy and I feel about to come undone. Like my heart would burst out of my chest from the swell rising inside. I sit and try to make the world stop spinning, but I have to keep moving. I move faster to avoid being still and I grow weary. True to form, I cannot find a happy medium. It is always one or the other.
I wonder which birthday will find me settled and happy? That year frightens me as much as it soothes. I have a better idea.... Let's go. Just hold my hand and run with me. We will go to Greece, Spain, Africa. We will go to the moon and beyond. We will go everywhere we've ever wanted to go and it will be wonderful. It will be magical. It will be you and I on a journey of love.
You say, "What about money, dear? How will we survive?"
The truth is I dont need any, I need only you. Maybe some socks. I can put them in my pocket. And a pad and pen to sketch your face while you sleep. I'll take a bag. What else do we really need? If i could only convince you of this.
"Next year, maybe" you say.
Well how many years can that be said before it's not possible anymore. Before we have roots and chains.
I've been in pretty decent touch with all my loved ones, quite a few people are coming to stay during the holidays, that is if they have not already been down to visit. Ahhh...that's nice. People seeking ME out for a change. But then again, there's still the anthrax. "Oh, I'm so glad you decided to come visit....I wanna make your stay as comfortable as possible...can I get you a drink? Something to eat? A little anthrax?" Sheesh.
On my plate are a coupla things, the most bizarre being the return of a very old, very good friend. I'm busy with applications for college, running a liquor store, getting enrolled for a coupla classes in the Spring here, and generally just hooking up with old haunts and old faces. I had a dream one night about a month ago, that I met my first love and his sister in a bar. We talked about, well...dream things, and how much had changed. Then all of these people came between us, carrying him away, and I spent the rest of the night hopping from dream to dream looking for him.
I woke up at 8:14 on the dot...completely uncharacteristic of me, and sat down to write one of the most cracked out letters I have ever written: "I just wanted to let you know I have never forgotten about you....I just want to make sure you're safe and happy...that your life has been good to you....that you're happy with your wife....and if it were at all possible to see you, just for a bit, I think everything in the world would suddenly make sense."
He called me the next day, and after a bit of phone tag, we decided to meet the following Monday, September 10th. I was scared, I was scared, I was scared! I didn't think any of the old feelings would be there, hoped they wouldn't be, that's for sure.....I guess I just really wanted some closure, what with my cleaning up the rest of my life bit by bit. I knew I would never have a chance to seek closure from Rob....but Scott??? Just maybe it had been long enough. "That, and he's married." I thought. Ha. Guess again.
More later.....I gotta go sling cases of Scotch whiskey around for a few hours.
I have been sick since Sat. night (today is Tuesday) with a really awful cold that has poisoned my entire body. I even had chicken noodle soup for goodness sake!
And today I am back at work and missing Angela more than I can believe - I am apparently very good at deluding myself and distracting myself that I am okay about giving her up.
I'll remember you - too clearly - but I'll survive another day... conversations - we'd share - when there's - no one there.... I'll imagine what you'd say... I'll see you in another lifetime baby... I'll see you in my dreams. but when I reach across the universe - I will miss your company. Rickie Lee Jones....
Damn. This hurts.
Anyways, tonite I'm going over to that friend's place to help her finish cleaning for a houseguest that will be in from Florida for a week. She helped us clean our apartment a few weeks back, so it's only fair - and besides, it's fun spending time with her.
More interestingly, the gamer in me never seems to cease coming up with ideas. Now, most of my ideas are probably pretty bad and should be let go (and anyone who's seen the range of my ideas would agree), but I figured that there were a couple I should try and get written down while they're still in my mind, just in case they aren't all that bad.
First, a random mixture of various things to create something new. The idea? PerlNomic. Take the rule creation and general self-reinvention that a nomic offers, and reformat it into a new environment. Other than a few meta-rules that would be impossible to code, let everything else be controlled by perl code. IE, someone writes the "game", if you will. A method of accepting proposals, voting, and scoring. But the whole point is that the "rules" are what's in the code, and the proposals are code changes. After a proposal has been accepted, the code contained in it is added/changed/deleted to the game code, and things go from there.
It seems to be an interesting framework where people can "win" from perl hacking, and creative coding can get you advantages if the other players don't catch on.
I know I can't do anything like this at the moment. While I might be able to get something going with the code, I have no resources to run such a website, and I dont know of any place to get them easily. Oh well.... maybe someone else will like the idea and want to run with it.
Second... seems like MMORPGs are such a big thing nowadays. The massively multiplayer aspect seems quite fun, but I've been wondering if there's a way to apply it to other types of games. My idea? Well, I also enjoy board games, and one of my own favorites that I unfortunately don't get to play much is RoboRally. So in a way, I've taken a little bit from that and just let the idea grow, change, morph in my mind.
I'm imagining a game with a huge "board", the game world. Yeah, like that's news. Some planet completely overtaken with industrialization and such, so most of the surface is now metal. All regular life is gone from the planet, all that's left are robots, fighting over resources. The robots are divided into various factions.
Each player comes in either joining a faction, or going solo. Players find ways to harvest resources, whether finding what's still available, or killing other robots/machines/etc and collecting the scrap. These metals can be refined into more robots, into weapons, into devices to aid the faction. The surface of the planet can also be reformed, and would frequently be, as walls are built for protection, roads built to speed travel, defenses to guard areas controlled by the factions, and so on. Even tunnels underground could be built, as secret storage areas, secret factories, etc. The variety of things that could be done designed to allow people interested in fighting to go off and do lots of that, while people more interested in building could do that also.
i know there are all sorts of details to work out, it's just an initial idea, as I said, written down so it's at least never forgotten. (if anyone else is interested, I would be happy to work together to flesh out the idea and come up with something more solid... and I could do some programming once I get my DSL back... not like I expect anyone to be interested)...
it's been a while since I've noded. But the sun seems a little warmer mixed with a cool gentle breeze. Or, I could just say the beautiful weather makes me happy. A rare adjective used to describe me as of late.
newest life problem.... I'm 25, two girls are 20, one is 19.
Mulholland Dr...... I get to see a pre-screening of that tonight. I love me some David Lynch.
kb...... I've always been a schwag smoker. schwag just seemed to make more sense. but kb, damn.... that's some killa that gets you blown.
frisbee golf.....played 18 holes today. shot well.
I've got a shitload of noding to do. The last two months haven't changed me, but they've shed a light onto aspects and individuals. And this has created some pretty meaty substance for nodes to tackle.
should I be a robot, or go out and play?
printable version chaos
Everything2 Help
