If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Yossarian's School of Badassary is for you! Located in downtown Beirut*, Yossarian's School of Badassary has taught some of the finest Bad Asses the world has ever known! Just look at what some of our alumni have to say:
Mr. T: I pity the fool who doesn't go to this school!
Hulk Hogan: I learned a lot about myself, about spirituality, and about my bad ass. Thanks, Yossarian!
Saddam Hussein: Finally, a school that teaches something I can be proud to bring home to my children.
Janet Reno: Janet like!
Mother Teresa: It's the best fucking school in this god damned world!
My school is staffed by only the finest badasses in the world!
Don't delay! Send away for more info today... or we'll kick your ass!
* Sister campuses in Trenton, New Jersey and Happy Valley
It is key that they not only want what to do what you demand, but they also want to pay you for the honor. It's a service. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.
Would the faculty of Yossarian's School of Badassary please report to the main office some time before the end of the week in order to pick up your tiny paper umbrella's, ridiculously (exceedingly, even) large knives, and translucent, high quality straws. There will be only three programs to complete before you will be "ready" to distribute the coconuts properly, as I can't be expected to complete this arduous task on my lonesome.
Slicing Big Ass Coconuts, "How to": The knife must be positioned just so, for there really is no room for error in such instances. Do not allow coc'y hairs to fall into milk (common sense lessons), and why lemon juice is not used to rinse eyes, as a rule of sorts. Lacing, "No Softcore Drugs Here": Some people are hesitant to distribute cocaine laced coconuts to their students. Even more so, some have trouble with the harmless drugs, such as heroine. You are not required to lace the coconuts yourself if it conflicts with your religious beliefs or moral standards, however, a note from the Dean of Sharp Objects will be required before you may be excused. Proper lacing techniques will be revealed with labelled diagrams and shiny pointy lasers. Distribution, "No, officer, these are not my coconuts": There may be slight legal problems that arise from time to time. Disregard them. "F$@# da police!" Word. Distribution of these drug laced coconuts, merely available for their educational value, is not the same as "drug trafficking". You are not the criminal here. "THE MAN" never did anything for you! (That is to say, this last course deals with... brainwashing!)
hamster bong, Dean of Drug Laced Coconut Distribution amifloating@coconuttynutnut.org
Applications can be mailed to:
Yossarian's School of Badassary, Brooklyn Campus Dep't of Beating the Crap out of Anonymous Users c/o nocodeforparanoia 224 Grand Ave 314 Brooklyn, NY 11205
Course Listings:
All potential students must take an oral examination to prove their worthiness. They must memorize the departmental motto:
"My bitch better have my money" My bitch better have my money, through rain, sleet, or snow. My hoe better have my money. Not half, not some, but all my cash. Because if she don't I'm going to put my foot dead in her ass.
In addition, we are accepting applications for other Professors. Please /msg GFG for more information
My Bitch Better Have My Money" taken from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka
printable version chaos
Everything2 Help
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