A famous celebrity walks in the room. " You know, some people say drugs are fun. You're right. But if the fun worth the cost? Masturbation is completely free. And almost as good as drugs. And, if you're caught, it only costs you some reputation. Drugs can cost your life! Next time you need to have fun, promise me you'll blow the nose of the underwear elephant, or explore the caves of the panty grotto. Slip into that fantasy that you're on a deserted island and women in polynesian grass kilts are rubbing currant juice into your pores while an Irish man sings "Oh Danny Boy" on the karaoke machine in a g-string and yes he's looking into your eyes as those women stretch themselves over you with their delicious currants and mangos, sucking juices from one section of your body and spitting them out on another. Get into it. Because your life depends on it. " This public service message was sponsored by Johnson & Johnson, makers of Vaseline and other fine products.