I sit here and I talk, or type if you prefer, to her. I feel such the fool doing these things. I spend my days dreaming of her, thinking of her, and when she comes online, when I can actually talk to her, I can muster nothing to say. My brain goes dead and vegatative. The only thing I can think of is how much I love her, but I can't talk about that. I can't just blurt it out onto the screen. It's wierd and creepy, or at least I'm afraid it will be. She talks to me about all the wonderful things in her life, and how happy she is. And I sit there blankly mute. I should have something to say to this, for God's sake, besides:
"Cool."
But My brain refuses to spit out anything but this constant feeling of longing and awe. I try desperately to come up with something interesting, a way to make her forget that she is tired, so that she will stay and talk to me. But the machines in my head refuse to run, and soon she notices that she is sleepy, and that she wants to go to bed. I desperately want to say to her, "Please, don't go". Stay just a bit longer and talk to me. What good would it do though, when I have nothing worthwhile to say anyway? So, I say farewell, and she is off to sleep, off to her next day, with her boyfriend, her family, her friends that she can see in person, and here, here was me. I was this tiny, five-minute piece of her day. I had a chance to be maybe a couple of hours, and sometimes I am, but today I was nothing, a waste of time perhaps, or just a superficial hello to a friend far away. Every time that I communicate with her, and feel that I have added nothing worthwhile to her life in those moments, I feel like a failure. Why do I suggest all those songs to download, all those books to read? Only because I want to take everything I have ever known in my life which was somehow beautiful or special, and share it with her. I want her to be able to see these things too, and know how wonderful they are. I want to make her life better, more beautiful. That's why I hate it when I am drawing a blank and trying to speak to her. |
