I have had this strange all-encompassing obsession with fertility lately...
For the past two weeks, I've dreamed about nothing but babies. In a few, I was nursing; a few others, actually giving birth; and in the most startling, I was trying to give birth, but the nurse told me that my cervix had been sewn shut and that the twins I was carrying were, in fact, dead inside me. Everywhere I go, I think, "How would I be as a mother? Why am I reminding myself so much of my OWN mother right now? If my children were to do such-and-such, how would I react?" The other day, I was at a Super Bowl party, and there was a little boy about 7 or 8 years old there... all of a sudden, this huge wave of instinct hit me. I got him a piece of cake, I gave him a napkin so he wouldn't wipe his hands on his clothes, I wiped his chin when he was done, I got him one of his toys, etc. I felt better.
Everywhere I go, whatever I'm thinking about, it's all linked somehow to pregnancy. I know I'm not pregnant (at least, not anymore), and I know I don't really want to be pregnant-- so I'm starting to freak myself out a little here. It would be fine if I were 30, but to have the biological clock ticking this fast at 19? |
