hating myself is all i know how to do anymore

created by CzarKhan

(thing) by trybonun (3.2 hr) (print) ? (I like it!) 2 C!s Sat Jun 11 2005 at 5:00:03

On How I Induced a Miscarriage

A little history. I found out I was pregnant. I'm married. I'm polyamorous. I'm on birth control and have three children. My boyfriend has his first child on the way, and I've got endometriosis, so I'm not supposed to be able to get pregnant. I would love to have another child. Neither my husband or my boyfriend want one however. Due to lots of things in my life, weighing heavily all the options, and believe me, the choice agonized me, I decided to get an abortion. Then we found out I was about 11 weeks along, and the amount of money it would cost to get one was way out of our league. Almost 800 dollars. So I tried herbs, which didn't work. A friend of mine who had been in a similar situation pointed me towards Women on Waves and offered some of her leftover misoprostol. I accepted.
This is my story. It's very graphic. I apologize to those who might find this offensive. But I did what I felt best for my marriage, my children, and my boyfriend and his family. Not maybe what's best for me,and definitely not what's best for my unborn child.
I got the cytotec May 22nd. Took it around 1. Started cramping within 20 minutes, bleeding within the hour. I passed what appeared to be deteroriated flesh after much bleeding around 4 and a huge clot. Thought that was it. I grieved, had the tissue in a box that my boyfriend and I could bury.
The pain, however, got much worse around 6:30, bad enough I drew a hot bath and pushed a lot just to see if there was more blood, but got almost nothing. My husband kept coming in and checking on me and giving me Reiki, which made me hungry (he made me popcorn with butter) and also made me cramp worse. I took another hot bath. Still in way too much pain. Was actually considering going to the emergency room, but I decided I didn't want that much medical intervention and I could handle a bit more pain. Figured my uterus was trying to cramp down to its normal size and I'd just forgotten the pain of after labour because I always had a child to hold as a reward for all the pain.
Took a Tylenol pm around 9 and lay down with my husband while he cuddled me. I started to slip into sleep and he headed into the bathroom to take out his contacts. I startled awake to a feeling of something in my vagina and knew I needed to get off the bed and into the bathroom. Was heading for the bathroom when there was a *pop* and I flooded my pad instantly. Felt it going down my leg so I dragged myself into the shower and got undressed in there. Turned on the hot water and just stood there washing off and letting the water beat down on me. The pains got worse, so I pushed to see if anything would come out.

Then with this nasty smacking noise, a fetus comes out and hits the shower floor.

I lost it there for a second. I thought I'd already passed a baby. I thought I was done. I was NOT prepared for this, I thought the massive quanties of Vit. C plus other assorted herbs had killed it and it had started re-absorbing already. Then I get a baby. Little fingers starting to separate, see through skin, little black dots for eyes. A bloody hole where it's umbilical cord should have been. What looks like the beginnings of a penis. Little toes forming. I can see its heart. E gets me toilet paper, I wrap it up gently, then he puts it in the box for me. A few minutes later I pass the placenta. If I'd been thinking clearly, I would have known that was next, but I wasn't and I didn't so it really flustered me out for a second. I didn't want E to have to do that for me, but the other choice was getting blood and water all over the floor to handle it myself. E got more toilet paper and flushed it. I can't believe the man who passed out while I gave birth found the strength to do that. I can't tell you how much it means to me that he stuck by me and helped me. I really can't. I didn't expect it, I expected food and drinks and watching the kids. But not that.
In my belief system, souls choose whom they will come into life through. I aplogized again and again to this child who grew in my womb, explaining the circumstances. I imagined all sorts of scenarios where the world would turn perfect and I could keep this child. Grief became part of my life, and I'm still having moments where it's hard to come to terms with myself. No matter really that I did it for the best of reasons. When I'm absolutely using the harshest of truths on myself. I'm a murderer. I killed my own child. A child I love. Nothing anyone can say to me can take away this grief or this awful anger with myself. No one can be harsher on myself than I am. I give this to you as a reminder I suppose. To choose wisely. To cherish that which you have. To let others know that there are alternatives to abortions at places like Planned Parenthood. So that others like me will know that they are not alone in their grief. But I find I cannot be silent. The self-hatred will fade. But the memory and the grief will not.
In the weirdest sort of irony, Alice in Chains song 'Down in a Hole' just began playing on the radio. "bury me softly in this womb, I give this part of me for you............Holding red flowers in a tomb"

printable version
chaos

Misoprostol	polyamorous	He who has enough to eat does the hungry not believe	What do you say to someone who has just had an abortion?
Women on Waves	endometriosis	abortificant	Reiki
Information wants to be deleted	Getting to know you noders fucking sucked	How to get an abortion when it's illegal to do so in your country	self hatred
How to disappear completely and never be found	To Christina	I get high on Jesus	Letter to baby, from mama
I said I was sorry. Then she looked at me.	Hit by the realization that they are all getting to know you nodes	How do you know a girl wants to smooch?	Take Off My Pants and Tell Me You Love Me and I'll Laugh in Your Face and Call You a Slut
abortion	reincarnation	letter to my daughter	Am I insane, or is it just wishful thinking?

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