letter I never sent

I have now faced the extremes on both ends of my "letting it all get to me" scale. As you know, in the last two weeks I have covered everything from not sleeping for unknown reasons, to sleeping soundly--but only because I was drugged. I have ranged from crabby because I wasn't sleeping, to resigned because I went to bed every night knowing that I wasn't going to get any sleep, and I got up every morning knowing that I had had no respite from reality for 24, then 48, then 72 hours.

(insert name here), tonight I prayed about this for longer then I have prayed about anything for a very long time. I think it was the first time I wasn't just going through the actions of it, because I knew I "should". Praying has become for me what eating has been for me for about 4 months. . . something done out of habit. I won't deny that praying is a great habit to have. . . but if you are doing it to, I don't know, BLESS yourself or something, and you aren't doing it as a line of communication to God, then you aren't doing it at all.

Just before I went to camp this summer, I committed my life to God, and after I did I suddenly could FEEL everything. It was like whatever I did or saw, or someone else did or said, cut straight through to my core. .. the very center of who I am, or was, or . . .well you get the point. The fact is, that it hurt. Even feeling HAPPY hurt, feeling sad hurt, FEELING hurt. I went to Ross Point being hurt, and I somehow found a happy medium ground. I felt, but it no longer consumed me. I came home on a sort of "feeling" high. I could feel, and I used that in every way I could. . . I was on fire for God, and I was going to tell the world come Hell or high water.

Then came you. For a second time you entered my life, and at first I was proud to have you as a friend but then things changed, and with the change came a sort of irrational fear. I could feel yes, but now I was charting unseen waters I was trying to go somewhere I had never been before. . . I have, since that day systematically shut myself off from everyone but you. I shut myself off from GOD, and I kept in contact with you. I shut myself off from Gienie, and then Jessica, and then Aaron, not to mention about 7 or 8 other people that I hold in high regard. For a while I even cut you out of my circle.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I was here, and I listened to you and every word you said. . . I went along with a smile on my face and continued as if nothing had changed, but the fact is that something HAD changed. I had completely shut myself down. I had gone from feeling EVERYTHING, to feeling NOTHING.

I started out by letting everything get to me, and then I changed. I didn't let anything, or any ONE get to me, and that is what has finally taken me to where I am.

So. Here I am, back at square one. I must now attempt to build myself a middle ground, and I am going to build it with God as it's core. I know I don't have to ask, (insert name here), (just like I know that you have questions) but please pray for me.

I have some serious rebuilding to do, and I am doing it as I attempt to comprehend just what, and more importantly WHO, I lost when I broke the foundation I was standing on. I have to go backwards, and start at the beginning.

I need to break myself, and allow God to do some serious construction work.

As for answers to possible questions you may have:

1.) What brought all of this on?

A: Remember when we were talking about what I "need" from you, and I asked you to always be real with me? I got to thinking about it, and I suddenly realized that I will never be able to ask you for anything unless I am prepared to give you the same thing. I needed to be real with you, and to do that I needed to be real with me, not to mention God.

2.) Why didn't you say anything to me about all this stuff?

A: Come on (insert name here), you know me. Perhaps better then I do sometimes. I rely on words for so much, and I had just reached a point where the words wouldn't come. I knew they would come, but I couldn't force them to come out. . . It would hardly have been fair for me to say "Oh yeah (insert name here), I have something very important and possibly life changing to say, but I am not going to tell you." You would have walked around forever wondering what it was, and whether it was going to involve you . . . and then you would have run yourself insane wondering what it was, and how I was dealing with it. . . which again would hardly have been fair because I would have been unable to tell you.

3.) Insert knowing tone of voice here as you say "Courtney . . ." and then proceed to explain just why I SHOULD have told you.

yeah. . . this is where you are thinking to yourself "heh" because I tried to make a joke that was pretty stupid (even if I WOULD be willing to bet that I am right), right after saying a bunch of heavy stuff. I would call you . . .but you told me not to.

(I know, I know, "I would have made time for this, Courtney.")

The fact of the matter is that I will still say the same things tomorrow as I have said today, and a one day wait isn't going to do either of us any harm, and I want you to actually get something done tonight. I am pretty sure that If I said any of this to you at this point it would successfully ruin your concetration.