i've got nothing but anonymity and nothing in the space shared by people who aren't similar aren't lovers aren't friends aren't even co-conspirators. and i mean no offense, but i wish for my girls, who came in even and assumed no pretenses and came and went as freely as i did and were so full of conversation and questions because..

we began the same, we ended the same, but it made us part of something different.

i can't fragment from them now, or forgive your mistakes in wishing that your man was here and i wasn't. because i've never loved women like i loved my girls and it's hard to revert to seeing you, this woman who is alone without her man, with whom i can share nothing but superficial parties with friends who aren't even mine and bottles of beer and the mundane loops of recycling and cleaning the bathroom.

we'll never speak or know each other beyond the titles of the classes we engage ourselves in to fill the spaces left by insecurity. and all these things, i could discuss with the girls, over coffee and cheese fries, but not with you.

it makes me wonder, would i benefit by inviting you out for drinks? because i don't know women, though i pretend to be one, and i don't know how to initiate the intimacy of temporary companions with someone i knew from the beginning i'd find disagreement with. and while i can joke about personal difference with those on my level, you're far too embedded in what you want (playing house) to see that, shit, this is the place where we experience, our last chance to change. for better or worse. the last chance to see that there's always more to learn and more people to vicariously steal experiences from.

no.. i'll walk through the common room on feet like your cats, i'll hide my things in closets so as not to infringe. i will not attempt to assert myself into the home, love nest, you've made for yourselves on this deserted alleyway. i'll wait for my girls to come back and remind me that women can be trusted and not feared. i'll be happy when you're gone and anxious when you're here with the man who speaks that language i can only swear in.

and i'll try to type quietly as i write this, because you go to bed too early and hide your soul and it would be rude to offer a place to unburden it.