Ok, so you have your jar of Icy Hot, and you think....damn this stuff is soothing. You also have your penis, to which you also think...damn this stuff is soothing. Being the genius mathematician that you are, you put 1 and 1 together and hatch this great idea.

So you slather it on and begin your wrist exercises. It tingles. Its cool. It burns like all hell.

After finishing the dirty work, your penis feels supersensitive to the point of pain. The active ingredients in Icy Hot is Methyl Salicylate and Menthol, which causes an inability to lose your erection. So now you have a rock hard painful erection, which is now turning blue and purple because of the chemicals that you decided to play with.

Once again, being one who thinks with their brain, you decide to wash it off with a nice hot shower. Jumping into the steam, you now have a new understanding of pleasure vs. pain. Although you eventually washed it off, it was not without periods of jumping out of the tub for fear that your penis was on fire.

For the rest of the day you are condemned to walk around with a bright, glowing red, and semi-erect penis. Maybe next time you'll remember that masturbating with Icy Hot is a bad idea.

Well, I can tell you one thing right now: If you ain't got a shitload of money, and you live outside of the proximity of the northwestern United States of America, you're gonna go broke trying to masturbate with Icy-Hot.

I tried, my friend, and it's a losing proposition. First of all, you got to find the little minx when her phone line is clear. You ever seen how much time she spends on this godforesaken web site? But you finally manage to get her on the phone, and then you gotta convince her to whack off with you.

I know there's some silver tongued devils out there that could probably talk Regis Philbin into a prostate exam in the back of a beat-up Thunderbird, but words don't come that good to me. Specially when I'm talkin' long distance to a girl I don't even rightly know, except from a couple of chats on the evil Everything IRC.

But, can't nothin' fail but a try, right? So I finally talk her into it and I'll be a gay rodeo clown if she don't start laying out guidelines.

I can't talk about her private parts and I can't talk about jessicapierce's hot ass and I can't talk about nothing 'cept the weirdo guys that are always trying to pick her up when does her fuckin' laundry or goes to the grocery store and shit.

I finally, after two limps, two revivals, and $72.95, said, "to hell with it."

My advice? Like them folks above me here said already: Don't mess with it.


This happened to a man I knew in the Army. Before going to boot camp at Fort Benning, Georgia, new recruits spend an undetermined amount of time in what's called reception battalion. This is where they teach you how to shine your boots and polish floors, while you wait for an open space in basic training. It's sort of like a big waiting room, and it can last a very long time. I spent three weeks in Reception Battalion.


The living quarters were enormous as we were divided into large groups while waiting. Each open bay was filled with about 100 double bunks in four rows. We shared an equally large communal bathroom with 10 or 15 toilets and about 20 sinks. In a bunk on the end of the row slept an individual who's name was Blaho. No joke, that was his last name. He was "special". The kind of guy that didn't really have any handicap but must have come from a VERY close family.

One evening Blaho allegedly rose from his bunk just after lights out and crossed over to the bunk in front of his. Blaho then asked the bunks occupant if he had any "jack-off cream". Presumably Blaho was feeling froggy and needed release. The other man, who's name escapes me, told Blaho to come back in a few seconds and he would see would he could find. Soldiers are very helpful when a compatriot is in need.

Upon Blaho's return he was offered a healthy squeeze from a tube that was unidentifiable in the dark. Blaho returned to his bunk with his prize and began to tent his blanket.

As he performed his solitary task his bunk began to squeak with his exertions. This activity alerted the Fire Guard, who responded by jerking the blanket from Blaho’s bunk and exclaiming, "What the hell are you doing!".

Blaho, to his credit never missed a beat. He looked in the Fire Guards eyes and replied, "Uh... Uh, It's starting to, Uh... Burn. It burns! Owowowow!"

Blaho lept from his bunk, and in an astonishing display of frantic movement, careened towards the latrine while trying to fan some cooling oxygen over his assualted genitalia. Upon reaching the latrine, he attempted to flop his penis into the sink and run some presumably cooling water over his enflamed manhood.

He succeeded, the water made the burning worse, or so I presume because he immediately fell to the floor and curled into a screaming fetal ball of crying and shivering muscle spasms. He remained that way for some time.

Later after his recovery we discovered that his accomplice had given him Ben-Gay as a lubricant, thinking it would be funny. Well it was actually. Blaho, in his defense claimed that he "thought it was toothpaste". To this day I don't understand how that would have made it any better.


A few years ago, during those difficult teenage years, when around 75% of the conversations between male friends concerns their increasing interest in girls and/or masturbating, a friend of mine revealed that he had recently been suffering from a 'sore area' twixt his legs.

Apparently he had been 'enjoying' a run-of-the-mill wank in his bedroom when he decided to spice things up a bit. He admitted that he recently taken to using various bathroom products to aid lubrication (shampoo, conditioner, shower gel etc) but on this occasion made the rather foolish decision to rub in a handful of 'Deep Heat' to his nether regions (Deep Heat in case anyone doesn't know of it is an ointment used to relieve muscular soreness, aching bones and muscular inflammations and is NOT to be applied to open wounds or sensitive areas).

The result of his ill-thought out scheme was the rapid onset of a chronic burning sensation to his organ that forced him to writhe around his room in silent agony (his parents were in the next room) desperately trying to cool himself off with any water based products he could find.

Inevitably he was not quiet enough and when his mother knocked on his door, all he could do was to exclaim in a very shrill voice that he had a bad case of cramp in his leg. Luckily she didn't enter his room to see him doubled over clutching his very red and extremely sore penis.

If anyone has applied anything more ludicrous to their reproductive organs (sulphuric acid for instance), then I would like to hear about it.

Aaaahhhh, so you call it icy hot do you? In which case I unreservedly apologise for this waste of node-space, will instantly request an edit of this node-title to go with the other nodes of far higher quality that deal with this issue and take my downvotes with as much dignity as I can muster, sorry!

I once took a bet that I wouldn't cover my nutsack in Icy Hot for 200 dollars by one of my roommates at Berklee.

I said let me see the cash. He produced it. My more delicate, gay roommate looked on in horror as I took out the giant fistful of Icy Hot and covered my nuts in it. The second half of the bet was that I had to leave it on for fifteen minutes.

Some people will tell you that the longer you leave it on the worse it gets, but they're wrong. At the five minute mark, it's about as bad as it gets.

I won. My gay roomate asked me why I would ever do such a thing.

I said, "So I can go home for christmas, Danny. That's why."
How indispensible E2 is in matters like this. Hehe.

Anyway, another substance that is not advisable to use in masturbation is hot sauce. I heard a radio show similar to MTV's Loveline at one point, and some guy called in and said he's tried the act with this substance - as well as shampoo.
I'm no expert in lubricants of this sort, but I'll just say for the record that I would at least not try it with hot sauce, or anything else that would make my eyes burn if I got it in them.
So this guy says that in the course of pleasuring himself, he got some hot sauce in the "hole" (better known as the urethra) and seemingly, it stung pretty bad.

I all I can say is, ouch. So while you're adding Icy-Hot and Ben Gay to your list of things NOT to whack off with, put hot sauce on there too. You can thank me later.

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