Brodie Bruce: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows his load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his kid?
T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
Brodie Bruce: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
Mallrats script - Kevin Smith
Brodie is wrong. Let’s look at it again: “The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.”. So a Kryptonite condom would kill him. Dead men cannot fuck people. He might, perhaps, manage to do it as he was dying, but that’s a hell of a price to pay for sex. Also, I cannot imagine that it would be very enjoyable, as the symptoms for Kryptonite poisoning seem to be pretty nasty.
So Green Kryptonite impregnated birth control devices are a no-no. But those people at DC could not have been so cruel as to create a superhero that can’t get laid, could they? Well, they probably could, but in this case they haven’t. There are some situations in which Superman could have sex with a human being without killing them.
- Red Sun Method - Superman is super powered because the cells in his body are charged with energy by the light from our yellow sun. If he took a trip with his loved one to a planet with a red sun, he would be reduced to a normal human level. He would then be able to screw like any other person. If Lois got pregnant and they were being extra careful (see last paragraph), Lois could carry the baby to term on said planet.
- Red Kryptonite Method - Superman could expose himself to Red Kryptonite and hope that he gets lucky (ha ha) and experiences the mutation that gives him a non-super powered groin for 24 hours. Then Supes could take the day off and have some quality time with Lois. This method is somewhat dangerous, as the mutation that Superman will get from the Red Kryptonite is unknown until he gets it. I have heard that Red K was abolished in the Crisis on Infinite Earths/Zero Hour event. Thus, Superman has one less way to get the job done.
- The Ejaculation Control Method - The title may not be snappy, but this is probably the best and most likely method that Superman could use. Superman would simply have to learn how to delay or stop his ejaculation at orgasm. This is allegedly possible for us mortals, too. Clark Kent is sometimes said to have spent years travelling the world, and learning from obscure monks in Tibet, etc. If, on these journeys, he met a guru of Tantric sex he might have learned this. Of course, as Superman would have a super strong ejaculation reflex, so it would be super hard to stop, but he also has super will power and super perseverance. I’m sure he could do it. If Clark and Lois wanted to have their own little super kid, then they would have to use artificial insemination.
You can see that I have only dealt with Superman’s ability to have sex. But what of Brodie’s human-Kryptonian pregnancy worries - “What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his kid? ... If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach ” - ? Well, worry not. Even if enough light could get through to the super-foetus, it wouldn’t matter. Superman’s powers grew to their full strength through his adolescence, so it seems unlikely that a super child would have super strength straight away.
DejaMorgana notes the famous scene where baby Superman lifts a truck off Kent Senior, proving that he is super powered to some extent from the beginning. If this scene is still cannon, then some risks are posed to Lois. On the other hand, this child will be only half Kryptonian, and presumably its super-ness will be halved also. And, as before, this baby will not be exposed to sunlight untill it is birthed.
The conditions within the craft Supes was coming to Earth in are unknown. Was he recieving doses of yellow sun goodness before he reached Earth, or was his early display of super strength from a charge there since conception?
dscotese suggests the use of Kevlar condoms/ diaphragms. This might work, but, in the case of a Kevlar condom, for the Kevlar to be thick enough to work it would probably make sex much less physically stimulating for Superman. The diaphragm could be disastrous for Lois, if an unrestrained super-jaculation were to hit it. It might be propelled backwards, causing severe internal damage. Urgh.
All comments are welcome.
My apologies to Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster