Some people just don't understand the importance of proper ass-wiping technique. "Bah!" You might say, "I've been wiping my ass for years!" But hold on there, friend, ass wiping is an an ancient discipline, lost in this, the age of technology, where computers and machines feed our every whim. Follow the steps set forth below and free yourself from skid marks, poop stains, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:

1. Choose Your Wiping Medium. What to wipe with? It's the question of the ages. Some are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton tissue (in particular Kleenex Brand Cottonelle Ultra Soft Bathroom Tissue), woven into rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, fret not - for there is stuff aplenty to wipe your ass with!

  • Paper Towels - If you don't have toilet paper you probably don't have paper towels, but if you have just run short on TP, be sure to always buy Viva Unprinted Paper Towels. They are the softest.
  • The Morning Newspaper - The newspaper, with its convenient home delivery, might seem like a good idea, but I assure you it is not! Not only are you in danger of wiping your ass with some poor person's obituary, but by smearing newspaper ink across your nether regions, you could be in danger of quarantine if a person of the medical profession gets a gander at your naughty bits.
  • The Phone Book - Ah, the phone book! O thick sheaf of thin pliant pages, how do we love thee, for thou art bountiful and free! Remember - When you get the letter Y (X if the whole family is using it) it's time to call the Phone Company and reorder - it takes 2-4 weeks to receive a new copy.
  • The Bible - I don't recommend using the Bible even though the pages seem well suited to ass wiping. Guests may become offended. If you absolutely must use the good book for the foul deed, use the book of Leviticus.
  • The Mail - Marshall McLuhan wrote "The medium is the message", and how right he was! He may have been talking about something that has nothing to do with this subject, but it sure fits here. Just be careful of the little windows in the envelopes of your bills.
  • Your Hand - "Ew!" You might cry "Ew! ew!" - but it's washable. Man up, ya buncha sissies - it's only poop for Pete's sake!


2. Find Your Ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. As the great Master Swapon Singh Rubenstein said, "There is no wiping without finding".

3. Wipe, Wipe, Wipe Your Ass, Always Front to Back. Carefully Carefully, Now You've Got The Knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. Developed by the Doctors at Duke University in 1991, this, along with I Am A Super Duper Pooper and I Use My Potty When I have to Pee are featured in the exciting and highly recommended video It's Potty Time.

To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:
          YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ ( p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3
          Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X

4. The Finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. If you are level 6 or above, you might even want to post a picture of your ass on your home node for all to see. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. In the name of all that's decent, good and holy resist. We are counting on you to keep your ass to yourself, clean or not.

I am very dissapointed to see that you have failed to mention some very important aspects of the wiping ritual! Namely:

  • Quantity:
    The quantity of TP or other wiping medium is a very delicate and personal choice. Too little and it's just not comfortable getting that close to your ass. Too much and you lose stealth and maneuverability! Your wipes are less efficient and you have less control since the feedback from your ass is considerably damped! Personally I use 2 squares of stock standard extra-soft 2-ply TP.
  • Folding:
    Folding may seem insignificant, but what is origami? Precisely that - Folding; and nothing else! Just like the quantity, the folding style is a personal choice and can either make or break a successful wipe! Personally I like to fold my 2 squares in half at the perforation, and then in half again. This produces a long, sleek, shape ready for 'application'! I have also heard that with those who like to use 5 or more squares, folding 'like a map' is a popular choice.
  • Checking:
    How do you know when you're done if you don't maintain a tab on your progress? After all, there are those magical moments when the wiping medium comes back so immaculately clean that you consider putting it back for later use! I typically extend the stroke of my wipe in an upward direction to sneak a peek and assess my progress.

One question remains, Do you wipe your ass Standing up or Sitting Down?

The answer at first seems trivial and obvious but if you ask around you will find that many people disagree with you!

Around 40% of the men I surveyed wipe while standing and 50% while sitting, the remaining 10% either refused to answer, gave me a funny look or gave smart assed replies.

Note this survey only applied to men, as women ALWAYS wipe while sitting down

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