Some people just don't understand the importance of proper ass-wiping
technique. "Bah!" You might say, "I've been wiping my ass for years!"
But hold on there, friend, ass wiping is an an ancient discipline, lost in
this, the age
of technology, where computers and machines feed our every whim. Follow
the steps set forth below and free yourself from skid marks, poop
stains, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:
1. Choose Your Wiping Medium. What to
wipe with? It's the question of the ages. Some are blessed with bountiful
supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton tissue (in particular Kleenex Brand Cottonelle Ultra Soft Bathroom Tissue), woven into rolls which hang
conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, fret not - for
there is stuff aplenty to wipe your ass with!
- Paper Towels - If you don't have toilet paper you probably
don't have paper towels, but if you have just run short on TP, be sure to always
buy Viva Unprinted Paper Towels. They are the softest.
- The Morning Newspaper - The newspaper, with its convenient home
delivery, might seem like a good idea, but I assure you it is
not! Not only are you in danger of wiping your ass with some poor person's
obituary, but by smearing newspaper ink across your nether regions, you could be in danger of
quarantine if a person of the medical profession gets a gander at your naughty
- The Phone Book - Ah, the phone book! O thick sheaf
of thin pliant pages, how do we love thee, for thou art bountiful and free!
Remember - When you get the letter Y (X if the whole family is using it)
it's time to call the Phone Company and reorder - it takes 2-4 weeks to
- The Bible
- I don't recommend using
the Bible even though the pages seem well suited to ass wiping. Guests may
become offended. If you absolutely must use the good book for the foul deed, use
the book of Leviticus.
- The Mail - Marshall McLuhan wrote "The medium is
the message", and how right he was! He may have been talking about
something that has nothing to do with this subject, but it sure fits here. Just be
careful of the little windows in the envelopes of your bills.
- Your Hand - "Ew!" You might cry "Ew! ew!" - but it's
washable. Man up, ya buncha sissies - it's only poop for Pete's sake!
2. Find Your Ass. For some, ass finding comes
naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still
others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of
it. As the great Master Swapon Singh Rubenstein said, "There is no wiping
3. Wipe, Wipe, Wipe Your Ass, Always Front to
Back. Carefully Carefully, Now You've Got The Knack. This little song
(sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through
the final ass-wiping process. Developed by the Doctors at Duke University in
1991, this, along with I Am A Super Duper Pooper and I Use My
Potty When I have to Pee are featured in the exciting and highly recommended video
It's Potty Time.
To break down ass wiping into it's most basic
mathematical expression we could write:
YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X
4. The Finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your
neighbors, friends, and coworkers. If you are level 6 or
above, you might even want to post a picture of your ass on your home node for all
to see. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. In the name of all
that's decent, good and holy resist. We are counting on you to keep your ass to yourself, clean or not.