....Feeling Tired all the Time ?
....You suffer the constant nagging pain of Low Rectal Temperaturitis ?
....You've tried every miracle cure, but they just leave you sore, twitchy and blind ?
....Your latex companion has developed that tired, worn out look ?
....You...well enough already, you are without doubt fucked up!
Wait.....We CAN help you !!!!!!
The house of ToasterLeavings takes great pleasure in presenting to you....
This exciting new development in the world of therapeutic furniture represents one of the most exciting developments in the world of therapeutic furniture, in the world...this month! What's that ? You say you've always wanted to Combine the relaxing, vibrating, ass pummeling effect of a reclining massage rocker, with the soothing, reassuring, and re-vitalizing forbidden pleasure of a warm Lard Enema? Really ? WOW!!!
Well....finally, your prayers have been answered in the form of ....
The Lardyboy Colonator 5000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lovingly hand-crafted by ex-eastern bloc machinery, the Lardyboy Colonator 5000 comes in a variety of exciting colour stylings, including 'spanked pink', 'burning elvis red' and 'existential angst repelling grey'. Building on the tried and true classic banana lounge design, we here at ToasterLeavings have created an attractive yet functional piece that will not only be a pleasure to look at, but also a joy to use ! We only use REAL aluminium tubing, and ACTUAL plastic.
With a fully reticulated rectal wand, a turbo-charged lard injection/suction unit (built from ACTUAL decomissioned cruise missile components), and a 500 watt lard warming reservoir (for the big jobs), The LardyBoy Colonator 5000 is guaranteed to reach those hard to get at places. Forget the garden hose, or those expensive and embarassing trips to Star
Moonbeam Woodflower at the holistic herbal treatment and wellness center. Why suffer the indignity of rectal leakage during your post-irrigation bus journey, when you can relax and enjoy the experience of a HOT FAT ANAL SURGE RIGHT AT HOME !!?
With every LardyBoy Colonator 5000 purchased for 12 monthly payments of $99.99, you get the following wonderful items ABSOLUTELY FREELY BUILT IN TO THE PRICE :
**50 litres of PREMIUM ex-McDonalds thickshake medicinal grade AROMATIC lard, in an attractive re-usable decorative print barrel. That's right.....we don't just use any old lard...this is practically 60% free of bone chips, bristles and hide scraps ! You have a choice of the traditional 'lardy' smelling lard, as well as the exciting new fragrances 'vanilla pig', 'funky butt chocolate', 'hunk-o-hunk-o-burning lard musk' and 'herbal influx'. Mmmm.....good enough to eat !
**you also get the educational video "Hot Steaming Pig Fat Action in the Orient, IV". Sit back, relax and expand your mind as the LardyBoy Colonator 5000 massages and purges your cavities with pulsating splooges of hot pig grease!
**A collection of the scientifical musings of Dr. Gurt Spung, an international leader in lard enema research. Read as Dr Spung describes in detail his OWN PERSONAL THEORY of Colonolardic Synergy, and the once mysterious intestinal organ, the "Lardovascular Plexus", which is not only vital to normal health, but is also ONLY ACTIVATED BY CONTACT WITH PULSATING WAVES OF BOILING PIG FAT! He estimates that possibly 99.6% of people have an INACTIVE Lardovascular Plexus, and as a result COULD DIE PREMATURELY1.
The LardyBoy Colonator 5000......
Call 1-800-BOWELFAT, and scream insanely at the operator " I WANT A HOT LARDY SURGE OF BLISS PUMPED UP MY ASS AT SUPERSONIC SPEED..........RIGHT NOW !!!!" for a three dollar price rebate.
Just take a seat, and PLUG IT IN ! It's SAT-ASS-FACTION guaranteed2.
1some time before the age of 110. Effects involving deaths due to intestinal explosion, chronic fatty blockage, and acute bowel incineration removed from analysis.
2guaranteed to vendors satisfaction and at vendors discretion.