A lot of people think they know bad movies. Many people even go so far as to claim that Plan 9 From Outer Space is the worst movie of all time. These people are very mistaken. Manos, the Hands of Fate is by far the worst movie every made. Anyone who has seen it and claims otherwise has probably only seen the MST3K version which makes it somewhat watch-able.

Hal Warren was a fertilizer salesman. He had no film experience (and it shows). Yet somehow, he came up with the idea to make a movie. He recruited locals to act (I use the term loosely) in the film, and rented some camera equipment. The camera he rented only had a 30 second film capacity, so you'll notice there is no scene in the movie longer than that. Also, he had no sound equipment, all of the dialogue was recorder later in his home by himself and his wife (that's right, they do all of the voices).

The movie begins with a couple and their daughter driving. And it stays there. If you enjoy footage of corn fields shot from the window of a moving car, this is the movie for you. The first 30 minutes features just driving, with little dialogue and only a few short interruptions including a tense encounter with the local law enforcement. Eventually, they end up lost at a shack in the middle of nowhere. As it's too dark to return back (who can drive at night?!), they approach the cabin to seek shelter for the evening. There they meet Torgo, who lives in the cabin. My name is Torgo. I look after the house while the master is away. Torgo is an odd man, with what appear to be horribly deformed kneecaps. Actually though, Torgo is a Centaur but his hooved feet were hidden in the MST3K by the rows of seats.

Then, general wackiness ensues. Torgo develops a thing for the woman, but she apparently isn't into half man half beast type guys. The leading man (played by Hal Warren himself), stumbles across some sort of alter with a bunch of women falling all over the Master. We learn that the master worships the god Manos. This is where things get really weird. To make it short and sweet, there's a lot of seducing, a lot of women dancing, a lot of the Master and his robe, some sacrifices, some dead dogs, a lot of cool music, and much confusion. I'm not going to give away the dramatic ending, you'll just have to see it yourself.

The non-MST3K version can still be purchased from www.moviesunlimited.com for $19, however I caution you to get the MST3K version if you value your sanity. Yes, this movie is bad. It's worse than bad. It's the worst of the worst. Go see it today!

Note: Shortly after this film was relased, John Reynolds who played Torgo commited suicide...

While many have seen the edited version of "Manos" The Hands of Fate via its inimitable showing on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" in 1992 and later on home video, few have seen the unedited version that Hal Warren released, amid much mockery, in El Paso in 1966. That is because, until 2003, the original version was almost completely unavailable. I still don't know where Best Brains got the copy that they screened on MST3K, but they were reportedly among a very small collection of people to have seen the unedited version before its commercial release.

In 2003, film distributor Alpha Video got ahold of the distribution rights for the original (sold to them from Hal Warren's daughter), and promptly released it on DVD. Thanks (or curses?) to them, I am watching it as I write this.

If you thought the MST3K treatment of this movie still made it unwatchable, then you probably wouldn't be able to watch the uncut version, with its stark, endless roadside landscapes and ripped-off, tinny jazz soundtrack without the familiar, comforting row of theater seats superimposed over the lower portion of the screen. You'd be right if you thought the uncut version would be the absolute bottom of the barrel as far as 20th century movies go. It is far worse than any of the other bad movies you can think of off the top of your head. Ed Wood doesn't even enter into it. He was Orson Welles to compared to Warren. Hell, Coleman Francis and Uwe Boll don't even enter into it. It's that bad.

Granted, given that the complete unedited version is only 69 minuntes long, most of it was kept intact for MST3K's treatment of it. Most of what was cut out was the overlong driving scenes at the beginning (which, in the unedited version, take up the first nine minutes of the film, from the start until they happen upon Torgo). Originally, in Hal Warren's vision, the driving scenes at the beginning were meant to have the opening credits superimposed on top of them. Where'd they end up? No one knows, but they're conspicuous in their absence. The thing I noticed the most is that in the unedited version, there are an awful lot more instances of the audio becoming unsynchronised with the video. Mostly this occurs when the score swells and all the dialogue abruptly cuts out to make room for the music. The music, by the way, also gets all out of sync pretty often, too. We'll be shown something meant to be "shocking" and the camera will just wallow back and forth over it for a few seconds, then the eerie score will kick in and then cut out just as abruptly.

Everyone in the film could be spokespeople for attention deficit disorder; all of the principal actors continually flub lines, miss cues, stare into the camera, or aren't aware that they're on camera for the first few seconds of a great many scenes. If you watch carefully, you can also make out Hal Warren mouthing the word "cut!" a few times just before a scene transitions to another. There is also a veritable bouquet of uncomfortable silences as the actors stand around waiting for, and apparently not receiving their cues as they're committed to film. It is almost palpably painful to watch.

Perhaps uniquely for a film that was edited into MST3K, the edited version doesn't really leave out any major scenes (the most major is probably one in which the Master beats one of his wives, or rather, swings his fists while staring into the camera in a tight close-up); most of the cut footage is of pointless conversations and of people standing around. That leaves most of the cut version still in a (debatably) watchable condition. Given that the Alpha Video DVD cost me only $5.00, I thought a more complete review should be noded. (Admittedly, I have pretty poor judgment capabilities, and now this awful series of images is forever burned into my brain. The things I do in the interest of completeness.)

This film, interestingly enough, and the circumstances surrounding its filming, is full of various little stories, trivia and further evidence of incompetence.

• Four of the actors that appeared in this film had all committed suicide within the year following the film's release. They were John Reynolds (Torgo), Diane Mahree (Margaret), Joyce Molleur (the cough syrup/heavy petting girl), and Sherry Proctor (the master's first wife). I've read that none of their supposed deaths, other than Reynolds', can be verified, so they may still be alive. No one seems to know for sure.
  
  
• Reynolds was apparently wearing his leg appliances backwards (goats' knees bend backwards, so he should've been wearing them on the backs of his legs), which is why he doesn't really look a bit like a satyr (not a centaur, as ccunning notes above), which was the intended effect. I've read (but can't confirm) that they caused him some pretty bad pain in his legs, which lead to his suicide by overdose on prescription painkillers (not due to the film's, er, tepid response). Hal Warren, in his infinite wisdom, decided not to tell Reynolds that he had them on backwards because some scenes were already shot and Warren didn't want to do re-shoots. Clearly, the leg appliances just made it look like he'd stuffed a couple of couch cushions into his pants.
  
  
• Tom Neyman, the guy that played Frank Zappa, er, I mean, the Master, actually painted the portrait of himself that appears in film.
  
  
• Neyman's daughter, Jackey, appears in the film as Mike and Margaret's young daughter Debbie. She was the only member of the cast or crew that received any compensation for working; Warren bought her a new bicycle. According to her, Reynolds (Torgo) was almost constantly stoned during production.
  
  
• This film is the result of a particularly ill-advised bet between Warren and Hollywood screenwriter Stirling Silliphant. The bet was that Warren could make a popular, profitable horror movie on a shoestring budget, which turned out to be approximately $19,000. Popular? Definitely (through infamy). Profitable? Not in Warren's lifetime (he died in 1986, six years prior to the MST3K treatment of his film).
  
  
• Torgo was, in the first draft of the script, named Igor. This was changed because Warren didn't want him confused with Dr. Frankenstein's faithful assistant.
  
  
• The production made use of only one (rented) camera, and that camera was severely limited in that it could hold only 30 seconds of film before needing to be reloaded (hence all the jump cuts). It had no sound input, so all the dialogue was later overdubbed by only three people -- two men and one woman -- which is why almost everyone sounds exactly the same. It was used mostly because it could film in color, which was just starting to become affordable to independent filmmakers.
  
  
• The Master's harem of wives were not actually actresses (except for one; see below), even in the loosest sense of the word; they were models from an El Paso modeling agency, contracted for the film due, apparently, to their willingness to wear flimsy chiffon nightgowns, granny panties and rather institutional bras ("That bra is about as sexy as a concrete abutment," according to Joel Hodgson) on camera.
  
  
• Only one of the actors to appear in this film, Mary-Robin Redd (one of the Master's wives), went on to appear in other films, appearing steadily in B-movies until the early 1990s. The rest of the cast went swiftly back to obscurity.
  
  
• Since the budget was so small, the production couldn't really afford outdoor lighting fixtures, which is why the cops near the end limit their search to about two feet in front of their car, beyond which lay the dark of night. Why they filmed this scene, which does nothing but highlight their lack of money, is a complete mystery.
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino reportedly owns one of the very few surviving copies of the 35mm print of the film. He has said it's one of his favorite "comedies."

In 2004, Canadian film students Aaron Allard and James Lafleur made a documentary about the making of Manos, entitled Hotel Torgo. I haven't seen it, but according to the IMDB, it features Bernie Rosenblum (who played the cough syrup/heavy petting guy), and focuses primarily on his recollection of the filming. Had they got an earlier start, they would have been able to interview a couple more people involved in the making of the film, although by 2004, Bernie Rosenblum was the only member of the cast or crew to still be alive and locatable by the filmmakers. (Tom Neyman and his daughter are still alive, and living in Oregon, out of the public eye.) They had scheduled to interview cinematographer Robert Guidry, although he too succumbed, dying about 2 months before the interview was to take place.

Hopefully, Hotel Torgo is released on DVD sometime, but until then, don't expect to see it. Presumably, the film students who made the documentary and their university own the only copies.

Finally, the word "manos" is Spanish for "hands," so the translated title is "Hands, the Hands of Fate." This, if nothing else, should give you some indication of what to expect. Expect the worst, for it is what you shall receive when attempting to watch this turkey.

Sources:
'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1966) -- http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/
Hotel Torgo (2004) -- http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0422433/
Manos The Hands of Fate (DVD) -- http://www.oldies.com/product/view.cfm/id/4251D.html

Manos, The Hands of Fate was a movie created for about $20,000 by a fertilizer salesman from Texas named Harold P. Warren, who wrote, directed, and starred in the film. The auteur unfortunately did not listen to the input from his photographer and cinematographer, and the motto of the movie became, "We'll fix it in the lab." You can tell when they used stock footage from a Disney short on wildlife because the footage is actually in focus for a change.

On to the plot:

While driving towards a Valley Lodge, a family stumbles into what Ravenloft fans would refer to as a "Pocket Domain," a bubble of space and time that is impossible to escape from. The Lost Woods in Zelda, the woods in Blair Witch, and the forests in the Friday the 13th movies all would seem to be good examples of Pocket Domains.

After driving aimlessly for a while, the group finds an old shack by the side of the road. They are met at the door by Torgo, who observes that it will be dark soon and that the Master would not approve of their staying at the house. Mike (who is the dad of the family) appeals to Torgo's human nature, and Torgo relents and allows them to stay. While Torgo moves to get their luggage, his haunting theme music plays in the background.

While inside, Mike and Margaret find an old portrait of the Master and his pet doberman, which is supposed to be terrifying.

One of the rooms in the house sometimes opens up into yet another world, wherein the Master and his wives dwell. On the night of the full moon, the gulf between this alternate world and Earth is bridged and the Master and his wives chase down Torgo, Mike, and the rest of the group and promptly defeat them. Mike is transformed into Torgo's replacement, and his wife and daughter are transformed into Brides of Manos. The movie ends with "The End" and a question mark after more travellers are ensnared by the magical trap.