This node was occasioned by remarks by William F. Buckley, Jr. in his Blackford Oakes series. He points out that while the majority of unmarried people in the postwar era didn't have sexual intercourse, they were more than skilful at what he called "the caress" : mutual masturbation, or what was otherwise called "heavy petting" (the term, somehow, fails to turn me on). Oral sex was considered a perversion: you engaged in that only after you were comfortable fucking. Nowadays, it's different: most girls give blow jobs to boys before they even have a clue as to what they would like themselves. Giving a man a handjob is easy: the thumb-and-forefinger grip and rhythm are de rigueur for any experienced lady. However, female handjobs aren't quite that logical, or even predictable, and the ideas below are merely suggestions, culled from years of experience, much research, and more than a few interviews. Your Mileage May Vary.

This node was originally entitled "How to give a woman a handjob". However, bad press by several persons (plus overwhelming popular demand) has forced me to retitle the node several times. However, not having it around is worse than the retraction, apparently, so I present without further ado...

(By a woman for men....take notes, guys...)

First, it's a lot easier to do a good, or passable, hand job on a woman than even a bad blow job. Lots of guys I know seem to think that cunnilingus is some kind of magic: simply by announcing they're willing to do it and zeroing in narrowly on the clitoris will make a woman writhe and scream in ecstasy and conduce them to doing Whatever The Man Wants. Well, most times I'm screaming, but it's more out of rank overstimulation than pleasure. "If the guy only knew how to give a hand job", I'm thinking...Also, for the man, it's a great way to get to know their way around a woman without the distraction of their own stimulation. If either one of you is just not in the mood for fucking (heck, it could happen) a good handjob can be very soothing. If she's a little ill, you can give her a little rub in bed... a real treat!

Two words: pistol grip. Then straighten your thumb. The thumb is for the clitoris, the middle two fingers, if straightened, can explore the vagina, the remaining two (especially the pinky) are for the anus (should you be both so inclined). Your hands should be clean and your nails trimmed; a bit of hand cream should help, too. Apply Astroglide or other lubricant (to your hand) liberally.

Clitorally, you should, in the words of Frank Zappa "apply some rotation to her sugar / plum". You'll know where that is, it's in the arch formed by the labia. Getting right smack dab on the head isn't as important as a general sense of where it is -- experiment with up-and-down, side-to side, and other movements. When you're both comfortable with that, you might want to try the clitoral shaft, a little-known bit just below the clitoris -- it's quite exciting to feel the tiny cylinder of flesh (it's just like a bitty baby cock, guys!) right under the skin.

Don't be concerned with the G-spot right now: some women have it ready to hand, some don't (like me). Relax, it's not a contest, you're pleasuring a woman, not on trial for impotence. Mostly, keep the focus on the outside of the woman. The vaginal walls aren't all that sensitive, sad to say, though you might imagine a woman feeling you in the same way you feel her, it just ain't going to happen. Otherwise, the petal-on-petal texture is more than sufficiently interesting. Get to know the vagina and its various moods -- on occasion, it can be dry, moist, wet, budding, blossoming, blooming, and fading.

At the bottom of the silk purse is a hard little treasure -- the portal of her womb. This IS sensitive -- in fact, it's the uterus, and its contractions, that really rule the show! Some women are very sensitive to cervical manipulation, some aren't. Work on her nipples (with your free hand) will stimulate contractions also (it's a reflex that has to do with nursing, birth, and all that...). As she gets more excited, it's common to have the last third of the vagina expand, to make room for the penis and various secretions.

I mentioned anal stimulation before. Do be gentle...you're better off with little teases of the area than going in for the Big Plunge here. The anal sphincter goes on for a longer way than you think (it's like Sansabelt waistbands) but if you're both ready for it, why not?

The second you feel or see her get rigid, torque it back a bit....you'll soon learn to distinguish between it and real pleasure. Orgasm isn't always the way it is in the movies: some women flush, sweat, and moan, others merely close their eyes. In terms of giving a hand job, it's no secret when it happens: your fingers can often feel the contractions. Depending on your joint mood, you can either enter afterwards (it's goooood to have a cock slide in there right then), or lift her shoulders for a great big finale kiss! She'll be sooooo grateful.....

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