Pimp: 1. A controller of others. 2. A talent that is either genetic or acquired. 3. The act of being smooth while trying to gain the affections of your prey.

Prey: 1. A person of the same or opposite sex that is desired by the Pimp. 2. A conquest.

Pimping is a fine art mastered by only the very elite few. You can recognize these elite few where ever you go -- they're the ones that catch your eye, or the ones that get all the chicks or have all the guys wanting them. These few are the Pimps of the '90s. The tips that are to follow, if you take them to heart, should turn you into an insta-pimp. Follow the directions carefully and there's no way you can go wrong. I suggest you print this out, highlight it, take notes in the margins, possibly write a summarized version to carry in your wallet, memorize every word, write an essay on what you've learned, start a journal and track your progress, make flash cards, record it into subliminal messages so you can listen to it while you sleep, learn to say it in 10 languages, and get it tattooed on your forehead.

1. SMILE.
I know I know, everything you've ever read has told you to smile and you've tried it a thousand times and saw no results so you've given up on it, but TRUST ME. It works. I don't care if your teeth are crooked and oozing green puss and when you smile your lips curl back and you snarl and fire comes out of your nose, smile anyway. Wait, correction, if your teeth are oozing green puss just shoot yourself because your chances of becoming a pimp are quite slim.

2. COMPLIMENT.
Give your prey a compliment. Avoid being cheesy or stupid because this will cause you to lose amazing amounts of pimp points. Appear to be sincere whether you are or not. Suggestion #1: "Wow, what's a brainy chick like you doing at a place like this?" You may want to avoid saying "chick"; use good judgement. You can tell if she's the type to get offended at the usage of the word "chick" within the first 2 minutes. Suggestion #2: "You're the most intriguing guy I've met all night. Why can't they all be like you?" Ooooh... fear the smooth pimp skills in that one. Be careful not to use it unless you're SURE you like him, because there's no way this one can fail.

3. LAUGH AT THEIR JOKES.
Giggling is good; even a chuckle or a simple "Heh" is acceptable. At the very least you need to smile (refer to #1 for help on that subject). If you don't laugh they will feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, and within minutes this will lead to them despising you and moving on to the next person trying to pimp on them. (And I assure you, the next pimp will laugh at their jokes. It's Murphy's Law.)

4. CALL THEM BY A PET NAME.
Be VERY careful. Avoid "Babe" and "Chick". They're VERY bad. Instead find something that is unique to them, mention something about their uniqueness, and call them by that. Make sure to check their reaction to see if they're annoyed by this. If they're annoyed, ABORT PET NAME MISSION. Suggestion #1: A guy is blatantly trying to pimp on some other chick, so you point it out by saying "That was Smooth." From then on start to call him "Mr. Smooth". Suggestion #2: You catch some girl alone in the park singing "You Were Meant for Me", so call her Jewel. (This would work best accompanied by a wink, but that's a dangerous move. Only attempt it if you're very sure of your pimping skills.)

5. EYE CONTACT.
You may spot your prey across the room talking to someone else. You have only one chance with prey that are across the room, and that is the eye contact. If you don't make a good first eye contact impression, all is lost. Make sure it's a mysterious, playful, seductive look. If you succeed, he/she will continue to look in your direction periodically. Make sure you catch their eye as much as possible, and always look seductive. (Read extra note on seductive looks.) This is usually followed by a smile (Refer to #1) or a nod (Refer to #6).

6. NOD.
This one is so amazingly pimp it's almost an instant winner if you can pull it off. I suggest you practice many times in front of the mirror to ensure that your technique is perfect. This can be utilized in one of two ways. The first: you're walking down the street and someone that could be prey is walking towards you. When you make eye contact (refer to #5), nod your head upwards a little in a short, sharp manner. Make sure you practice your technique. If you don't, it may come across as a nervous twitch or a muscle spasm or a mental retardation, and the only way to recover from such a failure would be to appeal to his/her sympathy and claim some horrible disease or unavoidable problem you have and hope they want to take care of you. The second use of this skill would be in the scenario painted in #5 (EYE CONTACT). When your prey is across the room, give them a little nod hello. They should come to you (it's a standard response). In this situation if you're very confidant that your prey is already enthralled with you, you can attempt the getting-up-and-walking-out-of-the-room move, but not before you give a short "follow me" nod accompanied by a seductive look. (Refer to #5 and Seductive Look Note at the end.)

7. TOUCHING.
Do everything you can to touch your prey, but BE SMOOTH. Tickling is very very bad and should only be used by extreme dorks that cannot master any other pimping skill. It only results in your prey becoming uncomfortable which leads to them despising you (refer to #3). My favorite move is the my-feet-are-cold move introduced in the film Clueless. Works best when you and your prey are sitting on the couch. (Be sure to wiggle your toes periodically.) Be creative with the touching, and above all be SMOOTH. That's the key to being a pimp. If you're awkward and your actions appear premeditated, you will fail as a pimp. (Refer to #1 for what to do in this situation.)

SEDUCTIVE LOOKS NOTE: Practice your seductive looks in the mirror to make sure you have good technique. Begin by lowering your chin so far that to look around the room you need to look directly up and you can hardly see what you're looking at because your eyelashes are in the way, and you start to get one of those headaches under your eyebrows. When you're looking through your eyelashes, make sure you open your eyes as wide as they will go. Try this in the mirror to make sure you don't look like a frog with a crick in its neck. When your eyes are perfect, try raising one corner of your mouth a little so you look like you're "smirking". It also works to bite your lip a little or run your tongue across your top teeth. Be cautious with the tongue on teeth thing though. If you're not careful it will look like you have food stuck in your teeth and you're trying to pick it out with your tongue and that isn't really seductive. (At least not to me, but maybe I'm just weird.)

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