I was loafing at my ease around the staff accomodations where I lived in Banff
when one of my sleazy roommates said he had something to show me. With an anticipatory grin he slipped a battered videotape into the vcr. Porn
: a run-of-the-mill blowjob scene, featuring the obligatory teased-up hair on the actress, the dodgy set (an office, of course), the muscular and nattily quoiffed male and the requisite boom-boom-chick! boom-boom-chick! and xylophone soundtrack. 'Big deal,' I snorted. 'Wait,' said my roommate. Tension resolutely failed to mount as the money shot
approached. It was only when the actor - the rightly famous Peter North
, I was to find out later - finally came - and came, and came, and came - that I understood what my roommate was so excited about. This was ejaculation on a world-shaking - nay, cosmic - scale. As the actress sputtered and gasped in the torrents, I let out a long, low whistle of admiration and fear. Here was another reason to feel inadequate, I thought. Perfect.
My own ejaculations have never bothered to trouble the charts. When my friends sat around discussing the tremendous velocity and trajectory of their various orgasms
, I kept quiet about my own slow-motion and uniquely unimpressive accomplishments. They were able to hit their own armpits, the door, the lightbulb, the streetlamp outside, while all I could ever manage was a languid welling-up, like a bullshit volcano
, with, if I was lucky, a wee trickle down the side. The glamorous, windswept, mulleted life of the porn actor
was out of my reach forever, I thought. More's the fucking same, too.
Because of this infirmity of mine, therefore, I have always kept one eye open for any hot tips and clues as to how to improve my thoroughly calamitous performances at the point of maximum danger
. This is what I have learned over the years:
Abstinence from orgasm
is the simplest way to increase the volume - if not the power - of your ejaculate. As anybody who's busy 'jack-knifed over his flying fist'
(as Martin Amis has described it) for the third time that day can tell you, the law of diminishing returns could have been invented for the amount of juice you're likely to dredge up for each successive shot. Refrain from releasing your own special edition for a couple of days and the machinery below will cook up plenty more for you to scatter as you will. This method's effectiveness, however, diminishes sharply after only 5 days. Just because you haven't done any fucking or jerking off for 3 months (a likely story), don't think that you'll blow a hole in your partner/wall/city. After five days you're already at peak levels, big shooter
Method two: leafy greens
. And plenty of them. In fact, nothing BUT leafy greens, if what you're after are some really apocalyptic cumshots
. However, who can be bothered eating leafy greens - or anything at all - when there's just so much goddamn cumming to do
Method three: provided you can get your timing right, this is your best bet, as it requires neither eating well nor finding other hobbies. Approximately an hour before you expect to orgasm (which may make this difficult to arrange with any precision if you plan to orgasm with somebody else), nip off somewhere private and masturbate yourself to the very brink. Do not, however, allow yourself to ejaculate. Boom! Pow! An hour later, your primed and electrified circuitry - your sleazy plumbing
- will unleash a veritable tidal wave of sauce
, either for your own amusement and edification or the delight/terror/disgust/envy of your partner. Cheers! You're a better man than you were yesterday! Probably.
Peter North, allegedly, didn't think there was anything unusual about his copious orgasms until he got into the porn industry. The fool.