If Jesus (or whatever other name you'd like to label Him with) were with us today, the first thing He would do would be to sign a book deal and sell the film rights. The talk show circuit, cocktail parties and merchandising would all follow in quick succession. He'd probably become a regular guest on Larry King Live. He'd have a house in the Hamptons, and one in Beverley Hills. He'd marry some second-string Hollywood actress, have a child or two and then get divorced after all the tabloids each published "exclusive" photos of Him cavorting with Russian call girls. He'd develop a cocaine addiction, spend the next few years in and out of rehab, and slowly fade into obscurity, while still earning millions each year in royalties. He'd occasionally be spotted in far-flung locales and at film openings, but would be considered by the industry to be nothing more than a footnote, a has-been, only profitable for them to cover on their "Where are they now?" features. His only continuing claim to fame would be the occasional blatant publicity stunt, aimed at selling a few more copies of his books and films.

Then, the cocaine addiction having apparently reasserted itself, He'd turn up dead in a hotel room somewhere, the victim of a massive overdose. Media attention would linger for weeks, months, years, scrutinizing every detail of His life and death, raising anything minutely suspicious as proof that He did not, in fact, die of a self-administered overdose. A massive post-humous cult following would develop, with fans carefully studying, glorifying, imitating every aspect of His life, and mourning the manner in which He had been "cut down in His prime by the forces of evil." More books would follow, some of which would treat Him well, glossing over the bad parts or offering convenient explanations, and enhancing His charitable or heroic actions. Other books would be profoundly negative, showing Him to have been a victim of His own greed, ambition and hedonism and demonstrating that He wasn't the bearded cherub with a heart of gold that so many would seek to indicate. These books, of course, would be reviled and ignored by His "followers," who would stock their shelves with the favourable accounts of their hero's life.

Occasionally, reports would surface that He was not, in fact, dead; that He had been spotted among impoverished peasants in some tropical locale, or buying fish at the local grocery store in Normal, Illinois. His children, relatives and anyone claiming to have been a friend of His would each be granted their fifteen minutes and profit off of the endeavour. There'd be Jesus conventions, where new "experts" would appear to offer their own commentary on the messages of Jesus' life or talk about how they had had dinner with Him the night before He died, and the wisdom He had chosen to share with him. Likeminded fans would meet at these conventions, discuss His life and His word, and engage in sordid episodes in generic hotel rooms after the convention had shut down for the night. There'd be efforts by conservative organizations to clamp down on the Jesus fad, which they would believe to be poisoning the nation's children, but these efforts would achieve the opposite, creating even more interest in Jesus' story and making martyrs out of those followers who fell victim to the conservatives' heavy-handed tactics.

Political careers, the lives of Hollywood celebrities, normal people's friendships and relationships and employments would be made or broken on the basis of their opinions on "this whole Jesus thing." His clothes and furniture and cars and mansions would be auctioned off for millions to unnamed buyers. Jesus followers would make trips to important places in His life, including His birthplace, the studio in which "The Life of Jesus" was filmed, the locations of His spectacular publicity stunts, and the hotel in which He had met His demise. The more enterprising communities and businesses would profit from their place in the limelight, building elaborate interpretive centers and gift shops and signs on the Interstate.

Different groups of Jesus followers, having minutely different takes on his motivations in life, would develop slight differences that they would become very defensive of. For instance, one group would villify/glorify (it would, over time, become impossible to discern the difference) cocaine, evoking uproar from anti-drug organizations and becoming an important secondary client of the cartels. Some particularily fervent followers would take it upon themselves to recreate the manner of Jesus' demise every year on the anniversary of His death, sometimes with predictably lethal results.

And so on and so forth would it go...