| Mission to Mars: The Condensed Version
EXT. Backyard
A party is being held. A bunch of people we don't really
care about are talking about things which we don't really
care about.
GARY SINISE
Wow, these Pringles are great!
Once you pop, you can't stop.
TIM ROBBINS
Aren't you upset that you can't
lead the mission to Mars because
your wife is sick?
GARY SINISE
Oh. Yeah. But these Pringles really
make me forget my problems.
DON CHEADLE
Hey guys, I'm not even the most
famous person in the movie and
I'm leading the Mission while
GARY SINESE stays home!
GARY SINISE and TIM ROBBINS just look at each other.
EXT. Mars
Rather than work up boring character development and a
cohesive story line, we skip 13 months and go directly
to the Mars Mission already in progress.
NOT-YET-DEAD-ACTOR
Hey guys, I found something wierd
using the rover, and even though
it is clearly a sharply pointed
structure coming out of a mountain,
it must be ice therefore we should
go investigate.
DON CHEADLE
Yes! But first, we must sing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINESE
ANOTHER-NOT-YET-DEAD-ACTOR
Great, let's get in our Rover, which is
made by Kawisaki and protected with
Penzoil motor oil. That's right, Penzoil,
because on Mars we only trust our Rovers
to Penzoil Motor Oil.
They sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to GARY SINISE. Predictably,
the crew is sucked up into a giant special effect EXACTLY
like the one seen in the previews. The rest of the cast,
including GARY SINISE, must go rescue them even though it
will takes months to get there and they don't even know
what happened or who is alive.
INT. Spaceship
JERRY O'CONNELL
Ouch, some sort of rock has sliced
through my hand.
TIM ROBBINS
Oh no, meteorites have pierced the hull.
Luckily your blood will pinpoint the location
of the leak.
GARY SINISE
There must be another leak. How can we
find it?
CONNIE NIELSON
How about if we spit and see where it goes?
GARY SINISE
(ignoring her)
I know, let's use Dr. Pepper. That's right,
Dr. Pepper is the official soft drink used by
NASA to locate small leaks in the hull of
spacecraft. Dr. Pepper, it makes the world
taste better.
In an overly contrived plot twist, JERRY O'CONNELL, TIM ROBBINS,
GARY SINISE, and CONNIE NIELSON end up floating through space
above Mars.
EXT. Space
TIM ROBBINS
The only way you can survive is if I
die.
CONNIE NIELSON
But I love you, because the script
says you are my husband!
TIM ROBBINS
In order to make you realize that I
must die, I will now remove my helmet.
For some reason, TIM ROBBINS removes his helmet, at which
point his head instantly freezes. Half of the audience
leaves due to lack of exploding heads.
INT. Spaceship
DON CHEADLE
I must kill you all!
GARY SINISE
Please don't.
DON CHEADLE
Ok.
INT. Alien Spacecraft
The crew, including GARY SINESE, find an alien spacecraft
and an actual alien who looks like every other alien does
except that he is wearing Levi jeans, Nike shoes, and is
smoking Marlboros while pitching 10-10-321.
ALIEN
(points around)
GARY SINISE
These martians started all life
on Earth!
CONNIE NIELSON
Yes, that's what the poster said.
GARY SINISE
I have found my purpose, I must
go with this ship to where the
aliens have gone. Because my WIFE
is dead.
DON CHEADLE
Whatever dude, we're gonna go
home now. Later.
Due to an extreme lack of excitement over having met
aliens and learned that all life on Earth was created
by them, DON CHEADLE and CONNIE NIELSON go home.
THE END
Rating: 1/5
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