One long, bizarre night many years ago, I came up with a new concept, helped by some friends, and large quantities of alcohol and dope.

The conversation came down to a simple question. What would happen if you managed to piss off Spock? Suppose you relentlessly teased him about his ears, shaved his eyebrows off, or were somehow actually able to break through his cold, Vulcan exterior and really annoy him? Would he crack, would he lose it and go apeshit? We didn't think so. We thought it was more likely that he would threaten you in a logical, grammatically correct manner, while raising one eyebrow. That night, Vulcan Insults were born...

The best way to insult someone in a Vulcan stylee is to take an existing insult, and modify it so that it sounds like something a Vulcan would say. Vulcans wouldn't use foul language or slang, they would merely explain what they were going to do to you if you didn't shut up.

Therefore, the Vulcan Insult "Kindly fornicate in a direction that increases your distance from me, and then expire" actually means "Fuck off and die". See, they have to be polite as well, for some reason.

Interestingly, you can use this method of creating insults if you ever needed to annoy a Vulcan - and maybe provoke them into giving you some good ones in return. After all, they're not likely to understand "you motherfucker" but if you said "you have, at some point, either made love to your mother, or had carnal relations with her in some way" any Vulcan is going to know exactly what you're talking about.

Here are some more:

Vulcan (male): Please perform fellatio upon me at once.
Translation: Suck my dick.

Vulcan: I strongly believe your mother to be in such an obese condition, that were she to shatter her femur and the bone were to pierce her epidermis, a combination of warm beef stock and flavourings would emerge.
Translation: Your momma so fat, if she broke her leg, gravy'd come out.

Vulcan: If you do not refrain from your childish behaviour towards me, I will be forced to remove your head and defecate into your oesophageal passage.
Translation: Stop that, or I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck.

Vulcan: If my domesticated canine possessed a countenance similar in appearance to yours, I would remove the hair from the vicinity of its anus and instruct it in the art of perambulating in the opposite direction to which it was facing.
Translation: If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.

It's easy once you get the hang of it. Anyone who can do "What do you do for a face when King Kong wants his arse back?" wins a special prize...


Nice! Peppermint wins the star prize: the Eiffel Tower! Please go to the nearest French Embassy to claim your winnings, and tell them I sent you.


Update: Tem42 - good point, but if a Vulcan had gone down the road of actually losing their temper, who's to say they wouldn't resort to vulgarity, or sexual innuendo? If they knew the only way to insult you was to imply that you were ugly, or to invite you to suck their dick, then they'd probably go for it. Finding our viewpoints illogical isn't insulting, they say that to every human they meet. The green blooded fools...

For the record, yes, I understand that Vulcans are fictional characters. But Klingons are real.

Those aren't Vulcan insults -- these are insults made up by humans who like the way Vulcans talk. Vulcans wouldn't use so much metaphor, and wouldn't use references to the nether regions or sexual intercourse to refer to problems with your personality or intelligence.

A Vulcan insult works like this:

I find your viewpoint illogical.


Ironically, some actual Vulcan insults were on display in the 2009 J.J. Abrams rebooting of the Star Trek continuity (taken with whatever grain of salt one wishes to throw in when discussing that contribution to the canon of the franchise). In this version, several Vulcan schoolboys attempt to bully half-human Spock by insulting him -- the conversation goes like this:
Vulcan bully: Spock.
Spock: I presume you've prepared new insults for today?
Vulcan bully: Affirmative.
Spock: This is your thirty-fifth attempt to elicit an emotional response from me.
Vulcan bully: You're neither Human nor Vulcan and therefore have no place in this universe.
Another Vulcan bully: Look, his Human eyes.
Vulcan bully: They look sad, don't they.
Yet another Vulcan bully: Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimulae.
Vulcan bully: He's a traitor you know? Your father.
Another Vulcan bully: For marrying her, that Human whore.

At this point, the Vulcan bullies indeed succeed in eliciting an emotional response, manifesting as Spock whaling on them and drawing green blood. Oddly the bullying itself can only serve to provide a rather perverse emotional gratification to the bullies, who have quite obviously pursued the matter with a relentlessness betraying an emotional investment in eliciting such a response. The first insult is an invalid syllogism; the rest are simply exercises in the use of emotionally charged negative characterizations. And so, perhaps Spock's better comeback would have been to point out that their efforts were most illogical.

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