The debilitating start-stop traffic of rural Pennsylvania's state roads gnaws at my insides. Why doesn't this woman turn? Why doesn't he go? Move already! Mention of "rural roads" tends to bring images of wide open mountain roads, perfect hairpins and fast sweepers to the front of one's mind. This is rarely the case. If these roads ever do look like that, it's late at night or early in the morning. Whenever you actually need to use them, so does everybody else, particularly the 75 year old retiree in her Buick LeSabre doing ten under on her way back from the arts and crafts store. The frustration builds. Clutch in, clutch out, slight gas, don't ride it, clutch in, clutch out, slight gas, don't ride it...and on. God I hate my life.

Fortunately for people like me, there is still hope. That brief moment of automotive tranquility where open throttle is not only allowed, but is beneficial to the safety of myself and other motorists. The on-ramp. The slip-road. The acceleration lane. Regardless of what you call it, the perception is the same: a little slice of heaven built into the endlessly dreary work routes of millions of people. The breath of fresh air felt as we fall from the frying pan into the fire that is the interstate at rush hour.

Not that it's that big of a deal. Most people don't even notice the acceleration lane; they're so concerned with little things like watching out for traffic or not getting a ticket that the glorious lane simply blends into the backdrop of the rest of the highway. They don't even realize the amazing opportunity they have to take their vehicle to its limit, both legally and safely. They're so utterly trapped in the monotony of red lights and "right of way" and "defensive driving", air bags and seat belts and car seats, pedestrian crossings and speed limits. Such a shame.

Thus I propose a change in the way we Americans drive. Possibly some new legislation. From the second you enter the acceleration lane to the time you are actually on the highway, the full potential of your car should be used, i.e. wide open throttle. This rule would obviously not apply if their was any kind of accident or traffic disturbance on the lane itself, but otherwise a flat foot should always be used when entering a highway.

There are several justifications for my proposed law. First off, far too many people out there that simply do not know how to merge onto a highway. People enter far slower than the speed of flowing traffic, and thus cars on the highway must brake or move over to allow the incoming car entry to the highway. This is a major safety hazard. I've been pretty close to death several times because of people like this, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Secondly, America's "obesity epidemic" is getting worse every day. A sedentary lifestyle combined with horrible eating habits and a stressful environment significantly contribute to Americans being overweight and unhealthy. The proposed law not only helps reduce stress by creating an outlet for our pent up rage, but can also count as a cardio workout. High speeds cause our Suprarenal glands to dump massive quantities of epinephrine into our bloodstream, thus speeding up our heart rate. This could, by unconventional definitions, be considered a type of cardiac workout. Who doesn't want to add some quality cardio to their daily drive?

And lastly, the proposed law would essentially create a semi-race environment, right here on real roads. Every car that enters the highway will be racing against the cars behind it and in front of it, and will thus be ruled as either "fast" or "slow". "Slow" cars will be taxed extra for holding everybody up. Incredibly slow cars will be impounded. This will entice the average Joe to build a super speed machine, so as to not be embarrassed by the sluggish throttle response of his 05 325i that he takes so much pride in. This law would also serve justice to the hordes of teenage Honda Civic drivers that pollute our streets today. Maybe they'll stop putting massive wings and stupid neon lights on their shit-mobiles when they realize how incredibly slow their "baby" really is. Speed settles everything. Any debate regarding the merits or demerits of a particular automobile can and will be solved by my proposed law. Also, this law would essentially cause most cars to enter highways at 100+ mph. Needless to say, this much speed takes a certain amount of cajones to achieve. Pussies and little girls will be thrown in jail, and idiots will die from braking too late. This will in turn reduce the amount of stupid drivers that cut people off in traffic as well as the cowardly drivers that simply let EVERYBODY in, thus making the roads safer for everyone.

So let's follow our President's footsteps and create some real CHANGE in the way we drive our cars in the acceleration lane. Let's go really fast, because it's safer that way. Let's ban old women and cowards from driving like they do, and let's get rid of some of the truly shitty cars on our roads today. Let's show the ricers what speed is really about. Even if we can't get this bill pushed through congress, let's make it understood that the Acceleration Lane is for serious drivers only. If you can't handle the speed, get off the road.

Disclaimer: I do not really advocate entering highways at 100+ mph.

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