manly hug

A hug shared between adult males who are secure enough in their masculinity to realize that they can express their affection for one another in a physical way without fear of intimacy, assumptions being made about their sexual orientation, etc.

(1) Insult your heterosexual hug partner. "Bill, you old bastard", "Bobby, you old son-of-a-bitch", "C'mere Bill, ya repressed proto-Christian", "Gimme a hug Bobby, you no-life, cattle-loving, inbred caveman", etc. Extra credit if your insults are based on homoerotic fantasy and you completely fail to see the irony ("Bill, you cocksucker", "Bobby, you assmaster", etc.)

(2) Stance is one of the most import parts of a manly hug. Your right arm should be raised upwards, the left downwards. Make your hands into fists, just in case the hugee is a fruit and tries something.

(3) Contact. This is the most important point. Your hugee MUST be in the stance outlined above, ensuring that your arms form a diagonal line across his back. This is ESSENTIAL, because otherwise one of you will end up with your arms around the other one's waist. And how fruity is that?

(4) If it is a close family member (father, brother or son - no cousins), or it's an emotional moment (death of a spouse, The Rock becoming WWF Champion), then you are allowed to hug tightly for exactly three heartbeats. After that, or if none of these criteria apply, proceed IMMEDIATELY to step 5.

(5) Start slapping. And not any girly, limp wristed slapping. Imagine you're friend is a prize trout you've just caught who's about to flap out of the boat, and the only way you can kill him is to beat him to death with your bare hands. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow the final slap to become a rub on the back. If you do that, you might as well hang lace curtains in your car window and start drinking wine.

(6) Disengage as soon as possible. Your buddy won't be too upset if you let go too early. You're doing him a favour. Extra credit if you manage to make some joke about having sex with the hugee's mother.

(7) Cry in your sleep about living in such a repressed society that your sexual identity is in conflict with your human needs. Fail to remember next day. Continue to complain about "damn fags".