| Full of lies and deceit, I am, and shamelessly honest
about it. This me you have met is not the me I present to
other people. Yes, you know this, yes, we are
all different with different people. Beyond that.
This name I have given you to use for me, it is not
my name. It is not my legal name and it is not what
my family calls me. It is not what they call me at
work and it is not the name I give to my friends.
This name is a different one, a persona I plucked out
of the box at random, because I felt it might suit. Because
I would have liked it to suit, and because I have used
it to make it suit.
Of course it suits, you say. You could never
be anyone else. Because I have become this name,
and it seeps into everything. Today I am the person you
know, which is only one facet of myself. And I as you
know me am leaking over into work, and home, and other
friends.
It is something I always wanted to do, and did a few times. Different new places were great for choosing different new combinations and bastardizations of my names, allowing different parts of me come to light. I mostly did not like the person I became, given a different nick. Once, I did not feel capable of living the name to the fullest. This time is the first time I have picked one at random, because I like it, as opposed to it being part of my real one. And it fits real well.
It is not full deceit to choose a different name, and let
myself explore. It isn't. It is, however,
disturbing at times, to discover my edges having gone
harsher or softer all around, blurring into myself.
Disturbing to find myself referring to me by this new,
chosen name. And confusing, I'm sure it must be confusing.
It takes meeting people out of context to a new plane of
discomfort.
Oh, no, I could never be anyone else. Of course it
suits. Of course it does, because it is me, only
another part of me, complete with all sorts of name
associations, those that I bring to the name and those
that you choose to receive.
I'm still me, only defining my differences with
names, good or bad.
| 
